The Jason Show

Stream of Consciousness Blogging: Piano, An Uninhabitable Apartment, and the Hunger Games

2012-01-29T13:38:00.000-08:00

After a four year separation, I have returned to my piano and my fabulous piano teacher. I quit during a time that was extremely busy and chaotic, but life has calmed down considerably, so we are together again and I am enjoying myself immensely. Sometimes, I need to interact with others. Other times, I need to interact with only myself. Playing the piano provides that for me in a constructive, emotionally satisfying way.

Poor Amelia. She is doing so well in San Francisco, except for the fact that a couple of weeks ago her apartment was damaged by extensive leaks in the building. Actually, damaged is an understatement. In spite of the fact that her apartment is on the second of three floors, the roof leaked so much that it filled up the light fixtures and drywall became soaked. It is now uninhabitable, the landlord is being unreasonable and uncooperative, and she is essentially homeless. Right now she is staying in a hotel (after the generosity of friends), she's looking into a lawsuit against her landlord, and she is hunting for a new place, which is turning out to be trickier than one would think. She's a trooper though.

Well, I jumped on the Hunger Games bandwagon. That is, my book club jumped on the Hunger Games bandwagon, and I am so glad we did! It has been a while since I've read such a page-turner. I'm now reading the second book in the trilogy.

And...one thing's for sure, birthdays on Facebook make you feel like a superstar!

Ready to do a Good Deed?

2012-01-14T09:26:00.000-08:00

I would feel unworthy to call myself a blogger, I would feel unworthy to call myself a friend, if I didn't use what little tiny bit of influence that I might have on the World Wide Web to help spread this message that hundreds--maybe thousands--of people have been spreading around the internet.

You see, my friend, Mark, (on the left) and his husband, Fred, are facing a very real threat to the stability of their family. Fred is a French national and the time is drawing near that he might be deported. Under national immigration law, if an immigrant marries a U.S. citizen, they are given a green card and allowed to live in the United States. That is, IF one of them is a man and the other is a woman. However, since they are a same-sex couple and the U.S. federal government does not recognize their 2008 marriage in California, these four beautiful children just might lose one of their fathers. . . their Papa.

Chances are, you already are familiar with Mark and his family. But if you're not, here is a link to his blog. Currently he is chronicling the latest events in their struggle, including their interview with the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, several newspapers, and CNN. They've also been part of a documentary on the subject, and his blog has embedded clips to those links.

Many people have asked Mark if there is anything they can do to help. This is his reply:

"Because you asked, here is how you can help. You can write to Homeland Security Secretary, Janet Napolitano. And if you live in Pennsylvania, you can write to Senator Casey's office. Both, on our behalf. You can let them know that you read the story on StopTheDeportations.com or that you know of our story from another source. If you do this, I would urge you to, as best you can, write it when you're in a good mood. No one likes a nasti-gram. In fact, Senator Casey's office already knows about our story and his staff has reached out to us. And Congressman Holden's office has been exceptionally helpful. I tend to think that people are generally good and want to help when and if they can. You read my post that I copied from StopTheDeportations.com. You know that we are asking for approval of our green-card application. Or at the very least, held in abeyance and not denied. I will leave the rest to you because I don't want it to sound like a form letter. And in fact, actual letters and phone calls are the best."

Secretary Janet Napolitano
Department of Homeland Security
U.S. Department of Homeland Security
Washington, D.C. 20528

202-282-8000

If you have a minute, here's where the good deed part comes in. Please write a quick letter to Ms. Napolitano, or make a brief phone call on behalf of Mark and Fred, and especially on behalf of these four beautiful children who need both of their parents.

The Word, "Hubby"

2012-01-08T16:08:00.000-08:00

I can't stand the word, hubby. I cringe every time I hear it or read it. I know most people find nothing wrong with it at all, but for some reason I just find it silly. Beyond silly. It brings to mind a husband who is a bit of dopey buffoon. Usually this dopey, buffoon of a husband is also pudgy. And oblivious. And balding, perhaps with comb-over tendencies.. No hubby ever had a nice full head of hair.

So hubby means a pudgy, dopey, oblivious, balding, comb-over wearing buffoon of a husband.

I have a friend who is simply horrified by the word moist. It actually makes her mad. She's a good sport when we razz her about it, but I happen to know that it actually angers her. Another word that she abhors is panties. And whatever you do--don't string both words together!

Are there any words that you can't stand?

The Best of Pinterest, Part 1

2012-01-05T20:27:00.000-08:00

Stuff that's too good (or bad) not to share.

The tattoo craze has taken the world by storm. Selecting that perfect tattoo is such a personal choice. But this?

My pal JLo often tells me, "What's the use of a gay best friend if he doesn't even notice your shoes? (Or your make-up, or your nails, or your new haircut, etc.) Well, I noticed these shoes all right.

And, if JLo showed up to dinner wearing this outfit, I'm pretty sure I would notice it.

How do you like this . .hat?

I do not even know what this is, but I do know that every time I look at it, I get sick to my stomach.

It's a fine line sometimes between beautiful nails and Morticia's nails.

Thoughts?

Pinterest: A Love/Eye Roll Relationship

2012-01-03T11:18:00.000-08:00

Do I like Pinterest? Sure, I like Pinterest. I visit Pinterest every day. I have several different boards of my own. (In fact, if you click the Pinterest button on The Jason Show sidebar, you'll be instantly transported there.) I think most Pinterest users agree that there is something highly reinforcing about pinning something to one of your boards that you like, something with which you identify and has meaning for you.

But shall we be honest? Sometimes I see things on Pinterest that make me think, "Oh my god that is so ugly." Or, "How cheesy and not in a good way!" On top of that, it seems like people make stuff up just for the sake of putting it on Pinterest, not for the value that it has in and of itself. Some of the sayings that show up just make me a little crazy. Things not unlike, "Concrete is so useful," followed with a comment that says love or yes. "I love breathing air. It's the best." Comment: gotta have this.

Okay, okay, not so extreme but I think if you're a Pinterest user you might get what I mean. Or is it just me?

Then there are the fads. The ones that you just get so tired of seeing. I loved the first few KEEP CALM posters, but after a while you just want to punch a hole right through them. And for goodness sake, enough with all of the scarves already! I like scarves as much as the next guy (or gal) but give it a rest! And I swear if I see one more cute little Elf on the Shelf idea I just might hurl my computer across the room.

Several times I have started new boards called Yuck, No Way, or Oh No. I've gotten a kick out of repinning some of these things of which I speak to my these categories, but then I quickly delete the category because, well, how rude is that?

The internet (and the world) are mean enough places as it is. As one who expects tolerance, how can I be intolerant of such simple things as hideous sweaters from Etsy or bathroom remodels that look like they were done out of the garbage dump?

But still. . .I can privately roll my eyes, right? I'm still entitled to my opinion, right?

The Jason Show 2011 in Review

2011-12-31T14:47:00.000-08:00

The Jason Show writers found a great way to recap the episodes of 2011 from Eternal Lizdom.

January

We began the year with a photographic review of the 2010 holidays on The Jason Show. I then discussed my squeaky sinus situation and my physical that was rescheduled by my doctor three times. I gave the world a private peek into my prostate exam, and revisited the topic of confrontation and how much I hate it, although I have gotten better at dealing with it. Explaining to Diego how puppies are made (and human babies) was another major event in January, followed by my borderline cholesterol and my decision to give vegetarianism a try. I bought cigarettes for the first time in my life, and shared the true blessing that a good sturdy electric pencil sharpener can be to a teacher. Ines, Diego's former caregiver, and her eccentricities were the topic of the next post. One of my students selflessly cut off her hair in order to make a wig for one of my students who had brain cancer. Finally, I ended the first month of the year sharing some cherished and funny memories of fishing with my grandpa in the Tetons in Idaho.

February

February started with an update on my newly acquired vegetarianism and then showed people what a breast man really looks like. Next, I perpetuated the biggest hoax of the year by allowing people to think that I opened my own restaurant, while in fact I merely opened a smart phone application called Restaurant Story. Jason, Plumber Extraordinaire, was the title of the next post, in which I impressed you all with my amazing plumbing prowess. The next seven posts were a series entitled "It's 5:00 Somewhere" in which I chronicled what I did each day of the week at exactly 5:00. My sister actually came up with the idea, and she did the same thing for a week on her blog, Squibs and Crackers. I shared and update on the phenomenon of the grout sprout, and I answered one of my student's questions about what life was like back when everything was in black and white. Then I told a (true) silly little story about a silly little man who dropped his phone in the toilet and flooded his entire restaurant.

March

March started off with a bang and an outstanding, yet hysterical It Gets Better video, which I consider to be one of the highlights of The Jason Show in 2011. If you haven't watched it, you really, really should. Madness once again visited Wisteria Lane, only this time, I was the crazy lunatic screaming at two people standing in my front yard. Then we were visited by my sister and her family and we actually went to a, well, a place on Earth. I cracked myself up living one day as a squatter in my buddy JLo's house. Speaking of JLo, I announced plans to go on a fall foliage cruise in 2032 with her and our kooky friend Danielle. I'm the official unofficial historian of my book club, and I gave our (quite comprehensive) annual book list update. I rounded off March by getting on my teacher/parent/human being soapbox and denouncing the Chucky movie franchise and any parent who allows their young ones to view any of those horrific excuses for entertainment.

April

Our family lost someone who we really cared about, especially Diego. I confessed that I have become addicted to playing certain games on Facebook and on my phone. I revisited what it was like to live without hope in respect to cancer and how that has changed for me now. I shared a picture and thoughts about turtles sunning themselves, and I shared my neutrality toward Easter. I talked about Giancarlo's turkey nerves, and then showed off my new Lady Gaga glasses before teaching some very important life lessons from Gaga herself.

May

The word, "hort" was the topic of my May Day post. I wrote a letter to Ricky Martin, in which I revealed to him my detailed plan to get him into bed with Giancarlo and me. One of my other wildest fantasies came true when Giancarlo and I attended an actual Ricky Martin concert along with 5,000 other gay latinos and Mexican grandmothers. Unfortunately, my afterglow was ruined by the compulsory administration of the STAR test. Eyebrows were the next topic of discussion spurned on by the fact that I had accidentally shaved half of my right eyebrow off in preparation for Ricky. May was a month for concerts, for some friends of mine and I also went to see the impeccable Kylie Minogue at the Hollywood Bowl.

June

One of my best friends ever in my life moved away. I shared the ABCs of Me, then reproclaimed my love to Giancarlo in celebrating 14 years of togetherness. Early in June, my brother-in-law, Giampiero, married Donella, and it was such a memorable occasion that Show writers put it into a three part episode, A Jason Show Family Wedding, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. We followed those with a down and dirty inside scoop on what really happened at that wedding! My father-in-law has quite the sense of humor from time to time, especially when it comes to his wife, so I shared a little tidbit of it. The June wrap-up was a couple of posts about the importance of a change of scenery and the fabulous time I had with Amelia during San Francisco Pride.

July
This month started off in a highly unnerving way for Giancarlo, when he heroically administered CPR on our neighbor across the street who had a massive coronary, but he passed away nonetheless. Later, Single Sentence Soup experienced a teensy, eensy revival with teensy weensy comment feedback. The hit ABC Family series, Switched at Birth, continued filming across the street from the Show household. Then, the hardest thing I've experienced in quite a while happened when our oldest daughter began another round of--stuff, and ended up moving to Kentucky with a guy older than me whom she had only met online. This gave us no other choice than to invoke the phrase "tough love." It was awful. I truly believe that one of the reasons I came out on the other side without a visit to the psyc ward was because I self administered some heavy doses of music therapy in the form of OceanLab. We topped the month off with a trip to Utah and Idaho, and in relation to that I discussed how time heals all wounds.

August
Rennen flew back from Utah with us and stayed for a couple of weeks, which was one of the highlights of the summer for us. While she was here, we impressed ourselves and yourselves when we went Glamping. One of my best friends from high school died of unknown causes in her car up in the mountains. School started again and I found that I had a new student who loved to do bizarre things and tell very tall tales, like putting corn nuts deep into in his own ear and then blaming it on the most docile lamb in the school. One of my aunts sent me some old family pictures, and one of them was one of my mother and me just after I was born, that I had never seen before. I continued to try to sort through my feelings about what went on with my daughter. Comic relief came to the rescue when a lady at my school parking lot thought I could help her with her overheated car engine just because I was a man. And lastly for the month of August, I took the plunge and signed up for a huge challenge in the form of organic fresh fruits and vegetables called Abundant Harvest.

September
Teacher Tales came back for yet another season on The Jason Show, and in this episode one of my students was floored to learn that his birthday occurs on the same day each year. Homo Hodgepodge was the title of an episode of Q & A With Your Token Gay, and another Teacher Tales shared more tall tales from corn-nut-in-ear student. I then experienced a very sour experience at my place of employment that upset me horribly, and it seemed to zap my blog mojo into oblivion because it was so much at the forefront of my mind that it was all I wanted to write about, but couldn't. However, taking my son to a football game at the end of the month simply could not be ignored!

October
Posts from The Jason Show as well as readership and comments dropped to an all time low in October, and we continued to blame it on the previously mentioned sour work experience. Marlee Matlin showed up in my front yard. The Jason Show had a Sunday Roast. The death of a distant relative briefly brought Amelia home from San Francisco, as well as made me really think about what I would like to happen when I die. And Diego provided some much needed laughter.

November
Thanks to so much generosity from so many of you, I met my fundraising goal of $2,300.00, which enabled me to participate in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for a Cure for the second time. We discussed the elephant in the room. I pondered the importance of not complaining. I made my one-item Christmas list, shared a heart-warming and tear-jerking You Tube video called It's Time, and wrote about a funny little Chinese lady named Gina.

December
Counting this post, there were only four in December. What is going on? The first one was a big photo spill from 2011. The second told the world of my worst nightmare come true, and the 2011 season of The Jason Show was topped off with a marvelous extravaganza called Christmas in Victorville.

So there you have it! I seriously doubt ANYONE in their right mind would sit through this enormously long and perhaps mundane season recap, but since I have the time right now thanks to winter vacation, I have quite enjoyed myself. It was really quite a year. And...yes..I love starring in The Jason Show as much as I ever have.

Now...for a quick test. If you actually read this whole thing (or even skimmed it) please provide actual proof by telling me the best thing and the worst thing that happened to you on your show during 2011. We'll see in anyone passes. Does anyone care to set the curve?

See you next year.

Come With Us! You'll LOVE Christmas in Victorville.

2011-12-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

Every year on Christmas day we get together with Giancarlo's Mexican side of the family. . . usually somewhere far from here that I get a kick out of calling "Fontucket". . .but this year the gathering was held in the Southern California high desert, also known as Victorville.

If you've ever driven down I-15 from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, you've been through Victorville. It is one of those California desert towns, much like Barstow, where, when you get out of the car to get gas you are instantly fried to a crisp. That is, if it is summer time. If it is winter and you're from the coast, you remark at how much colder it is in Victorville....freezing; something like 50 degrees.

Victorville was chosen because Giancarlo's cousin just bought a home there. You see, Jaime is a young bachelor just out of the military, and he is now a helicopter pilot who makes daily flights from Barstow to Van Nuys and back. He has worked his ass off and has pilot's license, a BMW, and a huge house to show for it. I have to say that I really admire the guy.

Jaime put in his time in Iraq and Afghanistan, which is something I could never even think of doing. As a youth, my worst nightmare was that we would go to war and I would be drafted. My worst nightmare ever. Little did I know that there were things I could have done to get myself out of it. . . like facing the truth, for instance. Of course now that wouldn't work for me anymore. I wonder how many gay teens are saying to themselves, "DAMN IT! NOW what if I get drafted? My get out of the military free card has just been revoked!" (Don't get me wrong. I am most grateful to all of those who helped bring Don't Ask Don't Tell to an end.)

But I digress. That has nothing to do with Jaime. His bachelor pad royale, however, has everything to do with Jaime. I wish I had taken pictures of his place. From his alcohol-themed decor to the bed next to the pool in back, it screams party. And I respect a man who knows how to party. . . IF he knows how to work, too. Which he obviously does.

Enough. Clearly, I may have the tiniest little crush on cousin Jaime.

Christmas in Victorville started out slow. I sat on the couch in the living room and watched about 5 hours of the Homily of the Holy Father with Pietro, my father-in-law, making irreverent comments about the cardinals' costumes and how their faces did not look undiabolic. We also chortled about how the beams of light surrounding the head of the baby Jesus looked like golden spears piercing his wee head. We mused that the Baby Jesus seemed to be waving non-chalantly at the world, like, "Hey, how ya doin'?"

Meanwhile, the other guys played beer pong on the back patio.

Soon, Frying of Fish began. I was thrilled to be watching the Homily of the Holy Father while the rank odor of fried fish sunk into my clothes and hair. However, I made the best of it and kept a smile on my face and a beer in my hand. And it wasn't so bad.

The food was pretty good. Chiles rellenos, cheese and green chili tamales, rice, and beans all made me and my tummy happy.

Next came the Insanity of the Gifts. Every year I just have to sit back and marvel at the mad chaos that goes on with around fifty people all burrowing through piles of presents, screaming out of the names of the recipients, paper flying and hugs, kisses, and mil gracias abounding. This part of the get-together makes Giancarlo crazy because he would like to have each person open their gifts one at a time while everyone else silently observes with their hands folded in their laps. I kind of agree, but I enjoy the madness of the spectacle so much. I remember last year, somehow, Elsa realized that Diego hadn't gotten as many gifts as the other children and she sat in the corner, scowling and pouting, refusing to be consoled. I won't lie. I enjoyed that spectacle, too.

Toward the end, we posed for the Group Photo. As you can imagine, this process took at least 30 minutes.

There are a few things I should point out in this photograph. First of all, in the very back, the youngest one of the clan, 5-month old Sebastian, is proudly holding a beer in the air. Classic. Also, notice that our cousin Claudia is holding an old man doll, who, coincidentally, looks just like my father in law, Pietro, on the left. Notice, too, that Diego, near the center in a blue shirt is providing us with his best photo face.

The best part of Christmas in Victorville was that we spent the night at the Hilton Garden Inn and that we were fast asleep by 10:00. Everyone else in the photo above camped out on the floors, surely collapsing at around 3:30 or 4:00 a.m. At least ten people slept on Jaime's bedroom floor. One person even slept on the stairs, I was told.

I've found that the hardest kind of family togetherness for me is traveling in the car with them. Upon arrival at our destination, the plastic on the interior of the car door inevitably has giant scratch marks from my clenched claws, desperately trying to scratch their way to freedom. Nobody seems to notice this, though, because I keep them distracted with my cheery smile, calm disposition, and considerate, pleasant conversation.

Come with us! You'll love Christmas in Victorville!

Teacher Tales: Holidays on Ice and a Nightmare Come True

2011-12-22T19:10:00.000-08:00

Listening to David Sedaris' Holidays on Ice is my Christmas gift to myself this year. Sedaris is by far my favorite author. Reading his writing cracks me up and lifts my spirits. Listening to his writing puts a grin on my face and makes time pass lickety split.

I listened to him this morning as I waited in the Starbuck's drive thru line. It took quite a long time but I didn't really notice because I was enjoying myself so much. When I got to the window a cheery girl said, "Here's your venti coffee with cream and three sugars, and it's on us. Sorry for the wait. Happy holidays!"

This day was destined to be fabulous.

Upon arrival at school, I went to the Multi Purpose Room to make sure it was all set up for our annual 2nd grade holiday program. I took a sip of my coffee, and set it down on the stage. I moved some risers and chairs, arranged some props, and proceeded to move the microphone to the correct side of the stage. That's when it happened...the thing that I actually have recurring ~~dreams~~ nightmares about. I knocked my venti coffee with cream and three sugars over with the cord, and sent it flying over the stage, all over the risers, and onto the floor. I know a venti is a lot of coffee. But when it gets flung, it looks like a gallon.

I had only had one sip. And the program would be starting in a few minutes.

Fortunately, our custodian was very quick and helpful with the clean up (which isn't always the case) and she even offered me some of the office coffee, which saved the day, although it wasn't that good, and well, it wasn't venti. It was more like six ounces.

It is times like this that you begin to understand the extremity of your addiction, but I must say that thanks to some Diet Coke, I was able to make it through the day without feeling cranky or biting any undeserving (or deserving) second grader's head off.

Our program, which includes many speaking parts and nine different holiday songs from around the world, was a success. The kids knew their parts and the songs sounded better than ever.

Back in the classroom, I sat back and watched my twenty three seven-year- olds as they constructed paper snowmen. I had one of those moments where I just enjoyed those little personalities, even the ones who tend to be naughty, and well, it warmed my heart. This year has been a rough one so far. Boy did I need that moment.

Now winter vacation is upon us. Time to curl up with my fuzzy blankie and listen to more Holidays on Ice!

Photospill 2011

2011-12-10T21:09:00.001-08:00

In no particular order, The Jason Show presents a hodgepodge of photos from 2011.

In October, at a funeral.

August. Diego tries out his new swim goggles. In a pasta pot.

June. San Francisco Pride. Oh, what a weekend it was!

In May, at the Hollywood Bowl awaiting the Kylie Minogue concert...Kaskade is currently playing and a new favorite was being formed.

In July, Daniel and my nephew, Devin.

In July, at the Jasonshmirtz Annual Family Reunion in Rigby, Idaho. From left to right, starting in back: My sister, Katrine; my sister-in-law, Kira; my youngest brother, Paul; Jason and Giancarlo; my nephew Devin; Dear Old Dad; and Diego.

July. Daniel and me. I love this photo so much.

July. Another photo of my sister-in-law, Kira, whom I adore.

September. Jason enjoying a football game.

November. Amelia at work!

Thanksgiving Day. Wah-wah-waaaah.

November. Daniel, Amelia, and Rennen in San Francsico.

October. Claire, looking fabulous.

November. Grammy and Dieguito.

Thanksgiving dinner.

November, in Utah. We bought this froggie hat for Daniel in San Francisco.

October. Constipated in a pumpkin patch.

Halloween!

August. Homemade sausage. *Shudder*

November. Our 13th Thanksgiving together!

Gina, Our Video Store Lady

2011-11-29T20:09:00.000-08:00

Back before the days of Netflix and DVRs, we rented a lot of DVDs, and before that, VHS movies. That made it quite convenient that we had our very own video store just down the street and around the corner. This was a privately owned business named Video Depot, not a Blockbuster or Hollywood Video. The owner of this little place was a little spitfire Chinese lady named Gina.

I always approached the store wondering what humorous antics Gina would have for us.

Gina used her down time at the video store wisely. She bought a keyboard and was teaching herself to play the piano. I would often hear her playing, "Lightly Row" or "Go Tell Aunt Rhodie" as I browsed through the movies . She also exercised. Sometimes I would enter the store and see Gina laying down on a exercise mat doing those scissor exercises with her legs. Other times she would be wearing a headband and a spandex leotard, and carrying weights as she made laps around the store. When this happened she would look at the entrance and greet us by saying, "Oh, HIIIIII! I ex-uh-size!" and she wouldn't break her stride until she was certain we were ready to rent our movie. I figured it took her about 183 laps around the store to make a mile.

Gina was curious about Giancarlo and me. She would say, "Oh, you two again? You two broth-ahs?" We would reply that no, we weren't brothers, but we wouldn't provide any further explanation. She would then invariably answer, "Oh, well, you two have cute mask!"

After five years of living in this area, we moved to our current home. Eventually, Gina closed her store, but consolidated with her brother or husband or someone in a store on the other side of town. As you can imagine, it is now the only video store remaining in our city. All of the Blockbusters and Hollywood Videos have become a thing of the past, so if you want to rent a video from an actual local store, you have to go there.

I went a few weeks ago to return a DVD Giancarlo had rented for Diego. As I walked in, Gina dropped what she was doing and reached across the counter and grabbed my hands, holding them tightly. "I so glad to see you! You a wund-uh-ful puh-son!" I grinned and squeezed back. I had missed her. "I saw your broth-ah the oth-uh day. He so nice! He have cute mask!"

The time had come for me to clear up the mystery for Gina. I said, "Gina, he isn't my brother, he's my husband."

"WHAT?" she shouted. "That is wond-uh-ful!" She then turned around and started trying to get one of her employee's attention, who was helping the customer she had forgotten about when she saw me.

"Brian, Brian!" She tapped him on the shoulder. Brian ignored her. "Brian, you need to meet someone!"

Brian was annoyed. "Just a minute, Gina. Hold on, I'm helping a customer," he all but whined. I stood awkwardly while Brian finished and then turned around.

"Brian, he married to Jason! He was from the other store! I see him all the time! He is wun-duh-ful person!"

"I'm married to Giancarlo, I'm Jason, but yeah, thanks, Gina."

Brian shook my hand, seemingly pleased.

Gina continued, "Why you not tell me you two married? I always think you two twin broth-uhs!"

I shrugged sheepishly. We each said goodbye, and I walked through the parking lot musing.

I've been open about my life for over 15 years now; Giancarlo and I have been together over 13 years. And I'm just now starting to feel comfortable enough to tell everyone that I have a husband.

What would Gina have done? Nothing, I'm sure. What would it have mattered if she had? Not at all.

It's Time

2011-11-27T09:43:00.001-08:00

The producers of The Jason Show found this gem on Facebook via this amazing woman. The producers realize that they are preaching to the choir. The producers want to share anyway!

All I Want for Christmas

2011-11-22T16:31:00.001-08:00

. . .is this bad boy. It's the Braun 7 760cc (sounds like the name of a BMW). Have I mentioned to you that I just DETEST shaving? It is a huge pain and it takes too long! Plus, I've always gone for the more economical electric shavers, which I assume is partly why shaving has been such a chore. It is hard to be this virile without the proper tools, don't you think?

I used to use a regular razor, and I just got to a point where I was tired of being all cut up and raw. Even if I bought the more expensive razors, they still nicked me and cut me.

So. Now that I'm most likely at the exact middle of my life, I am standing up, putting my foot down, and proclaiming, "NO MORE!" I will no longer settle for anything but the best when it comes to cutting thick stubble off of my face!

Chances are, ~~those~~ he who would buy me this expensive gift doesn't watch The Jason Show much, so if I don't get it this for Christmas then I am going to march right out on December 26th and buy it myself.

Duckie, Don't Grumble!

2011-11-22T13:53:00.001-08:00

As I slid into bed Sunday night after returning from the 3-Day, several things seemed to occur to me all at once.

First. Ohhhhhh my bed. My pillow. And clean sheets. And silence.

Second. The feel of Giancarlo's skin against mine as we snuggled up before falling asleep. So nice.

That seemed to lead my mind into a drowsy reverie of how fortunate I am. I think that truth is always present in the back of my head, but my brain gets so filled up by other things that sometimes it is hard to see back there, let alone think about it. It's good to dump everything out of your brain except that one thing from time to time. Life is good, and that in spite of all of the troubles and challenges that come along, life is still good. As I write this I think about those in this world who are the least fortunate of all, you know, starving children, victims of violence and disease, the homeless. I would venture to say that even many of them would agree that life is good.

I walked this weekend with people who have had tremendous challenges to face in life, not necessarily breast cancer related. It is time well spent being with people who have looked hell right in the face and have come out on the other side not only intact, but smiling and really living life.

I speak from experience on both sides.

Thank goodness for all of the things you are not! Thank goodness you're not something someone forgot, and left all alone in some punkerish place like a rusty tin coat hanger hanging in space. That's why I say "Duckie! Don't grumble! Don't stew! Some critters are much-much, oh, ever so much-much, so muchly much-much more unlucky than you!"

- Dr. Seuss

Three Days of Inspiration

2011-11-21T11:11:00.001-08:00

Where to begin? Completing the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for a Cure brings a multitude of contrasting feelings. I feel exhausted, I feel rejuvenated. I feel joy, I feel pain. I feel fulfilled, yet I know that there is so much left to be done. I have an intense sense of accomplishment, but I lack words to explain the depth of the whole experience to so many of you who have not yet had the chance to do this yourselves.

Mostly, I feel gratitude. I am thankful to all of the many people who donated to make this journey possible. I am grateful that I am healthy and able to walk all sixty miles without so much as a blister. I am glad to belong to a team that motivates and cheers and laughs and cares. I am grateful for the amazing collective spirit of the 3,600 other men and women that I walked with. I've never been around a more supportive, friendly, loving group of people. And, I am thrilled that breast cancer is being backed into a corner.

This year, the San Diego 3-Day efforts raised 9 million dollars for breast cancer research and early detection and treatment programs!

Pink laces. Pink ribbon hat. Pink boobie scarf. Ready to go!

Putting our breast feet forward

Sporting my new boobs. My aliolies are showing, what of it? (Thank you Pumpkin Delight!)

3Day credentials proudly displayed

Necklace bearing names of survivors and victims

The opening ceremony

Bling in place

One of the first of many gorgeous photo ops

3-Day walkers are hot.

On the beach at the end of the first 20 miles

Yes. This walker beat breast cancer. Twice.

Look! I'm on TV!

Blink if you want me. . .

I got this!

At the top of the largest of the 3-Day hills. Look! We're all smiling.

Closing ceremony. . .tears and inspiration

It's great to feel like a hero!

Mom....this was for you! And my two lovely daughters. . . this was for you, too!

Condiments and the Elephant in the Room

2011-11-11T19:33:00.001-08:00

Nothing says happy Veteran's Day like going to Hometown Buffet to celebrate your Mexican mother-in-law's birthday. Right? Well, that's what we did last night. My mother-in-law wanted to go there because she thinks Diego likes it, which is nice. But I can tell how much she and my father-in-law hate it. I don't love it, but I must admit I like their greasy fried chicken and their macaroni and cheese. Plus (shhhhh, don't tell) I ate some shrimp there. I know, I know, I know, it goes against my fishvorce, but once in a while it's nice to slip in a meaningless one-nighter now and then. IF it involves cocktail sauce. Which I love. I adore cocktail sauce.

I also enjoy A-1. But now that I haven't eaten red meat for almost a year now, I don't have it much, although I have put it on grilled chicken.

What condiments do you like?

All right, all right. FINE. I will talk about it. The elephant in the room. The one that I said I would never discuss because it annoyed me so much when others would blog about it. Here I am trying to fill space with condiment prattle, but the truth is, I have lost my blog mojo. It used to be such a vital part of my day. I would spend the day thinking about upcoming posts. I would create things to post about. I loved it so much because The Jason Show was a marvelous place for me to channel my creative energy. Lately, though,

every time I open up Blogger to post something, I stare at the blank screen and then just say to myself,
"Ahhh, I just don't feel like it." Part of the reason is that one of the biggest things I want to write about, I can't write about. The other problem is, I'll admit, I've fallen into some of the mind numbing Facebook games, and even moreso, Words With Friends. I won't call that game mind numbing, but it certainly is an excellent distraction!

Do all blogs just run their course? Is that why so many people I have known through their past blogs are no longer doing it? Many of my very favorites have fallen by the wayside. Which, of course, is fine, but The Jason Show has been such an important part of me over the years that I would hate to see it end.

Bossy still pumps out posts. I'm sure The Pioneer Woman does, too. Not that I'm trying to equate myself to either of them. And chances are if you're reading this, you still post things regularly as well. And thanks for sticking with me. You know who you are.

Maybe I just need to take it into another direction.

What do you think?

Goal Met!

2011-11-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

For the second year in a row, a HUGE thank you goes out to all those that have contributed to my Susan G. Komen account, enabling me to participate in the 3-day for a Cure in San Diego next month. You'll never know how much it means to me.

I owe my team, Team Safe at Second, my gratitude as well, because their efforts have also made this all possible. I can't wait to spend another 60 miles with them. If you have a spare second, I highly recommend that you pop over to this post and get to them a bit.

Some of our fundraising efforts this year have included a Goodwill truck drive, in which we asked friends to bring their unwanted items to help fill the truck.

Here, the team takes a break on some comfy and conveniently donated couches during our Goodwill truck drive. How I love these gals.

Another big part of our fundraising efforts this year has been something called "flocking." During this operation, our ~~victims~~ friends mysteriously have a flock of pink flamingos land in their front yard during the night, along with a note explaining our team and our purpose and our goal. If the flockee so choses, he/she may leave a donation, along with the name of someone else they know who might enjoy a good flock.

We also had a bake sale, along with a fundraiser night at one of our local restaurants, which was arranged by my supportive husband and his office. Thank you, Giancarlo! Your support makes all of this end the world of breast cancer business so much more doable and enjoyable.

Stay tuned for further kick cancer in the butt episodes!

Stream of Consciousness Blogging: Writer's Conflict and Marlee Matlin

2011-10-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your patience in sticking with The Jason Show during this unscheduled and unforeseen hiatus. The truth is, the writers of the Show have sat down at their writing table multiple times and have come to blows over what would be acceptable and not acceptable as to the content material of immediate upcoming episodes. This has put them at an impasse, which has meant that no writing is getting done. Which means no production. Which means no episodes.

Fear not, loyal viewers. All is fine in the Show household. No crisis. No conflict. The source of the controversy among the writers comes, shall we say, outside of the home?

That's not to say that there hasn't been plenty of other topics about which the writers could write.

For example. . .

Switched at Birth continues its production on the same lot as The Jason Show. I've been very interested in the whole affair. The other night I watched them film a scene over and over again of some cops pulling up to my neighbor's garage and pulling a gun on a young teenager holding a crow bar, yelling, "Drop your weapon!" Then a predictable clang as he dropped the crow bar and the bark of the officers saying to the guy, who is deaf, "You got something to say? Huh? Get in the car!"

Earlier this same evening, I looked out Diego's bedroom window as I was helping him get ready for bed, and saw this:

These ten kajillion megawatt lights were lighting up the neighborhood to make it seem like day when it was actually night. As you can imagine.

And...before that, I came home from school to see Marlee Matlin standing in my front yard.

The producers of Switched at Birth really know how to treat the neighborhood right. Those who allow the use of their front yards and driveways are handsomely paid. Tokens of appreciation, such as car wash gift cards, are freely given. One of the coordinators even told us, "Feel free to come on over and we'll show you around, you can meet the stars, and if you see everyone's eating, come on out and have a bite to eat with us."

Don't worry, I'm far too shy to take him up on that offer.

Diego Speaks

2011-10-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

"Daddy, when you were a kid did they even have books?"

"Daddy, you have a choice, but you have to pick one. Which should I be when I grow up, a military guy, or someone on the squat team?"

"Daddy, isn't farting the best thing ever?"

Only from a seven year old boy!

When I Die

2011-10-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

Whenever I go to a funeral, I tend to think about the kind of funeral I would want when I die. I suppose that's normal, right? It always bothers me when it is obvious that the officiator/priest/reverend of the service never knew the deceased, especially when he says things in reference to the person that seem incongruent with that person's personality.

I think funerals should be consistent the person who is being remembered. I think everyone who opens his mouth at a service should have known the person in life. If the person was religious, I think the funeral could certainly be religion oriented. But if not . . . that's when it feels. . . off.

Giancarlo and I have clarified with each other the kind of service we would each want.

First of all, cremation is a must. Embalmbing and viewings seem so macabre. Expensive caskets and cemetery plots are an unnecessary expense. I'm perfectly happy being scattered somewhere, or even kept in a box on a shelf.

Second, we are not religious people, so a church again seems inconsistent. I want to have a service in our neighborhood clubhouse.

I want someone that I know and who knows me to officiate, and I use the term "officiate" loosely because I don't want it to be a formal affair. Maybe "emcee" would be a better word. I would like a eulogy given, again, by someone who knows me well, and someone who has a good sense of humor. Then, I'd like an open mic. I'd like people who knew me to stand up and say things about me, honest things, and not necessarily all shiny and glossy and fake. I'm not a perfect person and I don't want to be portrayed as such.

And after all the tears and the laughter, I want upbeat music and a buffet and an open bar, and yes...dancing. Dancing!

This week, we went to a funeral. In explaining to work friends about whose funeral I attended, I found myself saying things like, "Well, it's the funeral of my ex-wife's ex-husband's father." After the funeral at the get-together at the house, Amelia, Rennen, and I joked about ways to make it even more interesting. We figured Giancarlo must be telling his coworkers things like, "I'm going to the funeral of my same-gender husband's ex-wife's ex-husband's father's funeral."

I know that at the loss of a loved one, one may not feel like joking. I've also learned that the only way to deal with the overwhelming sorrow is to have moments of equally intense levity.

The Sunday Roast!

2011-10-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

The following is an episode of The Jason Show that never aired. For some reason it got lost in the editing room, in preparation for a blog segment interview that was submitted to the show a while back by another blogger.

Enjoy!

Taken the day we eloped to West Hollywood.

I just stand around looking like this.

Taken before I got my haircut.

Why do you blog?

I blog because I love to write. I blog because it provides a very satisfying creative and emotional outlet. I blog because I have made so many good friends because of it. I blog because it is relaxing to me. I blog because somehow, in my mind, it validates me. I blog because I have important or funny stories to tell.

What's the story behind your blog name?

I think, perhaps, in the case of The Jason Show, it is pretty self explanatory.

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

It's a tie between fulfilling my need to write and the satisfying relationships that have come about in my life because of blogging. I suspected the first one would happen when I started blogging, but I had no idea the latter would happen.

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

Write for yourself!

What is the most significant blog post you've ever read?

Gay Marriage and Christianity: A View From a Pew written by Cheri at Blog This Mom!

and

That's What Friends Are For written by Faiqa at Native Born

What is the most significant blog post you've ever written?

Recounting my experiences growing up gay and Mormon, my subsequent heterosexual marriage, and the pathway that brought me to where I am now:

Previously on The Jason Show

Which two blogs would you recommend for roasting?

1-Our Simple Lives: Written by Your Friend, Mark, Our Simple Lives illustrates the lives of an ordinary, international, same-sex couple and their four adopted children in Pennsylvania. Mark's writing is funny, real, down-to-earth, honest, and full of heart.

2- Just Eat Your Cupcake: First of all, I love the title of this blog! Second, Just Eat Your Cupcake's author, Maria, is one of the most talented writers out there. Maria mostly writes about her relationship with her partner, Bing, and their daughter. Maria has a talent for taking regular life and turning it into something poignant, meaningful, and at times, humorous.

Pick three things you can't live without.

laughter, peace of mind, and solitude

If you could live your life again who would you be, and why?

If there is one lesson in life I have learned, it is "be yourself!"

You have been given a wonderful talent from above. This causes you to make your mark on humanity and be world famous. In which area would prefer: a best selling novelist, a brilliant artist, a gifted musician, a fantastic singer, a charismatic leader, anything you choose, and why?

I would be a fantastic, down-to-earth-no-drama vocalist who in some way makes a significant impact in helping the less fortunate.

If you were an ice cream cone, which flavour would you prefer and who would you most want to lick you?

I would be Dreyer's Chocolate Fudge Brownie--thoroughly enjoyable and satisfying, making people happy, if only for a few moments.

Who would I most want to lick me? Is this all in one occasion, or separately?

Do I have to narrow it down to just one? How about if I narrow it down to ten?

Describe in one sentence your perfect day.

This question made me realize that (in theory) I have a nearly perfect life!

My perfect day would include a substantial amount of quiet time, music, a funny conversation with Diego; tv, wine, and "private time" with Giancarlo; the knowledge that my girls are happy that day; blogging, a yummy lunch/dinner, a long walk, and getting a few constructive things done around my house.

It looks like I'm pretty easy to please.

If you were a fiction writer which one would you be and why?

I would be Anne Tyler. I adore her way of making even the mundane seem humorous and meaningful. Her knack for characterization is second to none!

What was your most embarrassing moment?

My most embarrassing moment was when, during my first month of teaching, I flew over the handlebars of my bike, making hamburger out of my knuckles, in front of a bunch of students and their parents after school. All because I was trying to open a peach Jolly Rancher while I was driving down a slope.

If you awoke to find you had changed gender what would be the first and second things you would do?

First, I would get on that pill that makes me have my period once a year. After that was out of the way, I would wear fancy flip flops and a short, sleeveless dress to work on a hot day.

Thanks for watching!

The Jason Show Goes to . . . a Football Game?

2011-09-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

No, that was not a misprint. The cast and crew of The Jason Show packed up and headed down to beautiful Pasadena, California, home of the famed Rose Bowl, for a UCLA football game.

I'll admit. I wasn't thrilled to be going to a football game. In fact, my first inclination was to politely decline, citing a bladder infection or that I had to wash my hair, or that I had to slowly pry my toenails off with pliers, one by one. But someone, who shall remain nameless but perhaps plays the wife in my relationship at times, coerced me into going. Yes, he coerced and guilted me into going, and he pulled the "we are gay dads and we need to expose our son to things outside of our comfort zone sometimes" card.

Well, the only reason I relented was because some of my very favorite people in the world were also going to be at the party, namely these favorite people:

In spite of how much fun I knew we were going to have, I was still a little sullen all day before we left for the game. Because, geez, it's the principle of the thing, you know? I have very strict standards to uphold, promises I made to myself, you know, blah, blah, blah.

As you can see, it took Diego a long time to come out of his shell and get into the whole excitement of tailgating.

Surprise, I had never been tailgating! I had it in my mind that it would just be a bunch of drunk rednecks shouting obscenities and getting all riled up over inconsequential things. But one thing I failed to realize is that the UCLA crowd is, most likely, a far cry from, say, this crowd:

(Not that there's anything wrong with that! In fact, the more I look at the Google-found photo, the more turned on I become.)

Moving right along.....

We took lots of pictures, including the ones that emphasized the sporty nature that JLo and I share. Notice, I am pointing out the UCLA on her shirt? Pretty sporty of me, isn't it?

The UCLA cheerleaders stopped by and cheered happy birthday to the birthday boy.

Then the UCLA marching band stopped and played, then sang happy birthday to the birthday boy.

Then I got a permanent UCLA tattoo on my leg. If THAT doesn't say sporty, then nothing does.

Then we were given field passes and we watched the players warm up for the game.

Yes, we were this close. Close enough to see that the pants are way too tight, not flattering at all, and that the players wear jock straps, along with maxi pads. Oh, yes they do. Or do they not? Someone correct me.

This is the shot that I posted on Facebook to prove that, yes, I did indeed take my son to a football game. I had to snicker at the supportive and impressed comments on the photo--I guess I kinda sorta let people believe that I orchestrated the whole thing.

But in the end, I had a good time, even without the use of alcohol or other mind-altering substances.

No, really, none of us had been drinking when this photo was taken. I like how this photo emphasizes my recent collagen injections. Now if I could only get in for a botox appointment for that forehead of mine.

One final admission: Diego and I left before halftime had even started because, in Diego's own uncanny, wise words, "Why don't they just keep playing? They play for like five seconds and then they stop for ten minutes for no reason! Can we just leave and go get a sandwich at Subway? I love Subway."

Why, yes, Diego, we certainly can.

Special thanks to Julie, who invited us and lovingly helped me step outside my comfort zone.

Those Who Can't Teach

2011-09-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

Teacher Tales: The Many Lies of Rodney

2011-09-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

On the first day of school I knew Rodney was going to be a huge ~~trial of my patience~~ source of entertainment for me. You see, he's one of those kids who tells tales. TALL tales. I mentioned in a previous post that in first grade, he stuck a corn nut in his ear and blamed it on the sweetest, quietest, most angelic boy on the planet. Read on:

Mr. Show: Rodney, you turned in your work without finishing it. Look, you only did the first two problems. What happened?

Rodney: Well, I guess I fell asleep at my desk, and while I was sleeping, a stranger came into the room and took my paper that wasn't finished and put it in the finished work basket.

Mr. Show: Uh-huh. Well you stay awake this time and go finish your work.

Mr. Show: (speaking to the whole class) Someone took Ben's Gushers. He brought them for his snack, and now at recess he will have no snack. Did anyone see who took them?

Rodney: (raising his hand) Yes, I think I did, Mr. Show. When I was getting a drink, I looked over and saw a man in a dark cape take them and eat them.

Mr. Show: Really? How mysterious!

Rodney: Well, I know what you can do to see who stole them. They were blue gushers and they get stuck in your teeth really bad. Just walk around and look at everyone's teeth. The one who stole the Gushers will have blue teeth.

Mr. Show: If anyone has anything they'd like to tell me about it, you can tell me privately on the way to lunch.

Walking in line to lunch, several students told me that they saw Rodney with blue teeth.

I need to get a handle on this Rodney situation, don't you think?

Q & A With Your Token Gay: Homo Hodgepodge

2011-09-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

This season of Q & A will focus on the ever popular meme. I'll be picking and choosing from the many that are out there. If you have a good one, point me in the right direction!

1. Using what's in your fridge right now what sort of meal would you be able to make for guests who are knocking at the front door this very minute?

If all else fails, mix the contents of the fridge with pasta. Right now, it would turn out pretty good. I have plenty of grilled veggies-- eggplant, zucchini, red peppers, onions, and potatoes. I could saute them in olive oil for a minute, toss with pasta, and add parmesan. Done!

2. What is something about yourself that you hope will change but that probably never will?

I want a more muscular body. I know exactly what I need to do to get it, but I will probably never do anything about it.

3. What's something about yourself that you hope will never change?

I hope I will always remember the importance of a sense of humor and keep mine intact, until the day I die.

4. Do you usually send serious or funny greeting cards? Why?

Almost always funny, unless I'm giving it to Giancarlo. I'm pretty sure he prefers serious. I prefer funny. And, the dirtier, the better.

5. Bird watching, shell gathering, or star gazing- your choice for whiling away the hours?

Star gazing, on a hot summer night. Naked. What?

6. Do you double or triple check things? If so, what?

Mainly it's my classroom door if I'm working on the weekend. I'm terrified of leaving it unlocked and having vandals get in. So I triple check it. Once when I lock it. Again after walk a few steps away, and again when I get to the bottom of the stairs. I'm a freak.

7. What's your favorite place for people watching?

West Hollywood, or any place that gays gather en masse.

8. Insert your own random thought here.

I'm starving! But the grout man is downstairs in the kitchen and I would feel funny going down and getting something to eat with him right there. I should probably offer him a sandwich. Would you offer your grout man a sandwich?

Teacher Tales: A Shocking Revelation

2011-09-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

This year I have an interesting group of characters! There are a handful that stand out already; I foresee an abundance of episodes of Teacher Tales this year.

While working on an assignment that involved writing down their birthdays, I had to help a few who did not remember theirs. Most second graders know their birthdays. However, there are always one or two in every group that don't remember.

Mr. Show: Osvaldo, your birthday is May 8. (Writing it down for him to copy.)

Osvaldo: Again!? That's what my birthday was last year!

Mr. Show: Yep! May 8th has been your birthday every year since you were born, and it will be your birthday for the rest of your life.

Rodney: (Overhearing the conversation) WHAT?! You've GOT got to be kidding me!

Mr. Show: (Turns away with a huge grin on his face.)

An Abundant Harvest

2011-08-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm almost always the last one to jump on the bandwagon, whatever that bandwagon may be. The computer bandwagon, the email bandwagon, the cell phone bandwagon, the blog bandwagon, the Facebook bandwagon, the Pinterest bandwagon (all technology related, I know) and now the fresh, organic, local, delicious produce bandwagon. The fresh, organic, local, delicious produce bandwagon to which I refer is called Abundant Harvest Organics.

Several of my friends have been participating in Abundant Harvest for over a year now, and I've finally joined in. The person that finally gave me that last boost up onto the wagon was this amazing piece of fabulousness:

No, wait. That's not the photo I was after. Try this one:

There we go. This is my friend, Susan, who is the captain of my walking team, Team Safe at Second. She also happens to be the author of this little-known-yet-impressive blog, entitled Cooking Out of the Box. In my humble opinion, it's the best foodie blog out there. Susan combines humor and wit with a thousand one delicious and nutritious ways to use all of the produce that comes from, yes, the box. Check it out. She cracks me up.

So, I jumped on the Abundant Harvest bandwagon, and Tuesday I picked up my first box of local, organic produce:

I was so excited. It felt like Christmas morning! Minus the sleep deprivation, angst, and stress. Yes, just like that.

"Oooooooooo, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I oooed and ahhhed.

Look at this! So beautiful! My mouth watered as I unpacked it all. Especially when looking at these ruby red, vine-ripened tomatoes. There's nothing better.

The one thing I hadn't thought of, though, was that if it came straight from the farm, then it probably had to be washed. Some of it was covered in dirt! So Diego and I spent about an hour washing, drying, and packaging it all to put in the fridge, or at least on the counter. I felt just like my Mormon pioneer ancestors, washing the dirt off of my own fruits and vegetables. Minus the 3 month walk across the plains and the heat exhaustion and frostbite that came along with it, plus the fact that they didn't really have any fruits and vegetables to speak of. I think they ate grubs along the way. At least they had plenty of sister-wives to help catch them.

As a reward for helping, Diego got to try the first plum.

Deeee-licious! Sweet and juicy!

In a text later on, when Susan asked about the box, I said,

"I already feel healthier."

"And even a little virtuous."

She replied, "You look it too."

Then:

"Oh. Well you look healthier anyway."

Heating up the Hot Heat

2011-08-27T13:05:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, a lovely blogger who is known as JCK and pens the blog, Motherscribe, posed the question, "How do you split up the family work in your home?" For this topic, she was writing for The Huffington Post. Yes, you heard me. Side note: I have actually met JCK in person, so this makes me feel almost famous. She is lovely and well-spoken and sweet, but rocks the fishnets like no other, and enjoys her Jack o'clock now and again.

Back to the question: How do you split up the family work in your home?

This one's easy. I do it all, and nobody else does anything.

The End.

Kidding!

One of the very best parts of coming out of the closet and accepting myself as myself is the fact that I no longer feel guilted or pressured into falling within traditional and expected gender roles. And dammit I can whole-heartedly embrace my love for Madonna without shame. I don't feel bad that I don't know how to fix the car. I feel wonderful that I am terrible at assembling things like bookshelves or bikes. I love that I can vacuum and cook and not once have to use a drill, although I have a few times, and it hasn't been so bad. So I do what I'm comfortable with, and what I enjoy, Giancarlo does the same (he does all the laundry, and he's much handier than I am) and we pay someone to do whatever the two of us can't do. It works out splendidly. (Although, would it kill him to clean a toilet?)

Funny, true story that happened this week:

During dismissal at my school, a lady in the parking lot was waving over to a group of us teachers standing in front of the school. She kept yelling, "The guy! The guy!" It took everyone a second that she was referring to me. "My car! It not work! The guy!"

Chuckling, I said under my breath, but loud enough for my all female work friends to hear, "That's funny. All these girls here probably know more about cars than this guy does." But I humored her, and my friends walked into the school because it was like 17,000 degrees outside.

English was not this woman's first language, nor was Spanish.

"It hot!"

"Yes, it sure is!" I replied. Did she call me over to talk about the weather?

"My car hot too. So I turn on heater."

"You turned on the heater? Do you mean the air conditioner?" I asked.

"No, I turn on heater. It make car cool."

I was befuddled as to how I was going to help those imploring eyes.

Then she pointed to the temperature gauge on the dashboard. The engine was on its way to overheating, although it was not yet in that red zone.

"My father-in-law, he say to turn on heat when car get hot. Then it no get hot more."

I thought this was preposterous.

"I don't know much about cars. But I wouldn't be turning on the heater. It's 110 degrees out here," I pronounced wisely, as a drip of sweat trickled down my butt crack.

Now it was her turn to be befuddled. A guy who didn't know about cars? Unheard of, apparently. "What I do? I drive home?"

The school boundaries were not that big. So I said, "I would."

"Uh, very well, thank you."

In the office, my friends were eager to know what this lady wanted with me, "the guy."

I recounted the story and we all had a good laugh. The absurdity of it all...calling ME over, of all people, and then turning on the heater in the scorching desert sun to make the car cool down! Bah!

That night I got a text from Lisa, one of the friends I was laughing with. Turns out, her husband knows about cars, and turning on the heat to cool and overheated engine is EXACTLY what you should do.

I guess the laugh was on me! I hope that poor lady's engine didn't explode.

What Do You Do?

2011-08-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your twenty two year old child refuses to take responsibility for herself? What do you do when she takes advantage of you, uses you, and manipulates you because she knows you are willing to give her yet another chance to get herself pulled together? What do you do when she refuses to get a job and sits around all day long talking on the phone, playing Facebook games, and smoking pack after pack after pack of Camel Menthol Silvers? What do you do when she hoards half of the dishes from the kitchen in her room and on the balcony in spite of the times that you've asked her politely, and not so politely, to keep the dishes in the kitchen? What do you do when you discover that she packs her backpack with those dirty dishes in hopes of hiding them from you? What do you do when she refuses to take part in family activities, such as dinner? What do you do when, after weeks of suspecting it, find out without a doubt that she has been stealing money--hundreds of dollars--from your wallet and your desk? What do you do when this kind of behavior has been going on for ten years, when she's dragged you and the rest of the family to hell and back over and over and over again? What do you do when she tells you that she is moving to Kentucky to live with a man who is five months older than you, that she met online, but hasn't actually met in person?

You let her. That's what you do.

My Fuzzy Mother and a Fuzzy Baby Me

2011-08-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

As far as I know, this photograph is the oldest one in existence of my mother and me. Until last month, I had never seen it, but thanks to an aunt that to whom I reconnected at a family reunion, it is now in my possession. And I'm so thrilled to have it.

I know the quality isn't the best. In fact, look at me! I look like a fuzzy blob of a baby. How old would you say I am here? Newborn? One month?

But my mom...look at her. So ~~fuzzy~~ young and radiant, and thrilled because she just knew I would be the best son ever in the whole wide world. And I must admit, I have been a pretty good son to her. All except for that time that I bit myself and blamed it on my sister, causing my mom to spank her, and then repeating that each day for several days. I also wasn't such a great son when I made her cry about her poor housekeeping skills, on more than one occasion. Yeah, that wasn't so nice either. Then there was the time when I came out of the closet during the last few months of her life, not giving her a chance to even process the information before her mind was too far riddled with cancer to properly sort things out.

I'm sure, though, if she were still around, she would have come to the conclusion that she loves me no matter what, and I'm certain that she would count Giancarlo as her son-in-law just like she counted Katrine's husband as her son-in-law. That's just the kind of mom she was.

Which leads me to, yes, some of you have guessed it, another shameless fundraising plug for my upcoming 3-day, 60 mile walk in the San Diego Susan G. Komen 3-Day for a Cure event in November!

I need to submit a $2,300 donation in order to participate in the event. So far, thanks to the kindness and generosity of many of you, I have raised $1,300.00 and I am at 57% of my goal.

I don't have to tell you that breast cancer reaches its cold, bony fingers into the lives of everyone. I'm sure you could name off the top of your head right now somebody who is fighting it. Chances are, you have someone in your family that has died from this relentless disease.

So please, pretty please with sugar on top and pink ribbon shaped sprinkles, could you donate a little (or a lot) of money to the cause?

Thank you.

You may now click here to make that donation.

Then and Now

2011-08-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

Then. Circa 1976.

Now, July, 2011.

A lot has changed in 35 years.

Since the top photograph was taken, my dad and mom had four more kids. My dad bought a miniature farm, began getting revelations from God that tipped my mother, my sister, and me upside down; lost his first wife to cancer, his second wife to a horrific car accident, his third wife to Alzheimer's., and was abused by a home-health worker.

One of these days The Jason Show will focus on exactly what it was that God revealed to my dad.

For now, my dad struggles in his battle against Parkinson's Disease, and continues unsteadily down his Idaho Highway.

Stream of Conciousness Blogging: Corn Nuts in Your Ear

2011-08-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

All in calm on the Show front. Our trips are over. The grown-up Show children are in their grown-up places doing their grown-up things. The in-laws are still in Italy for a month. It's just the three of us ~~enjoying the serenity~~ clanking around in this big old house. Okay, there are five of us, if you count these two yappy creatures, who do not always invoke a sense of serentiy.

But most of the time they're fine. Unless you ring the doorbell.

School has started. I'm back to work, back with the kids, back in the trenches. I always enjoy the first week of school, but on the other hand, at my school it kind of stinks. This is due to a highly transient student population which causes us to reorganize classes a week or two after school starts once we finally see who is actually attending, and we end up having to start all over again. That is particularly a bummer because a) Sometimes kids we have grown to enjoy have to be moved to another class, and b) Rules, procedures, and pretty much the entire foundation for the year have to be addressed all over again. Ahhhh. No matter.

Speaking of school, one of my new students stuck a corn nut in his ear last year and blamed it on another boy (who wouldn't hurt a fly). He had to have it removed by a doctor. Yes. A corn nut.

I wonder what flavor? Sometimes I think corn nuts smell like stinky feet. I'll bet the corn nut stuck in his ear smelled bad when they pulled it out.

NEWS FLASH: I am trying to give up Diet Coke, and essentially all soda. In my continued effort to be healthier, I'm replacing it with iced green tea.

I don't like plain green tea, but I've been trying some of the fruit flavored ones and I think those are pretty tasty. I'll let you know how it goes! Do any of you have any successful giving up Diet Coke stories?

Speaking of giving things up: I have not eaten red meat in over six months now. You may recall that mainly due to cholesterol issues I gave vegetarianism a whirl. Overall, it was fine. The hardest part was at restaurants, particularly of the fast food variety, or when going out to dinner with friends it can sometimes be difficult (like when we went to have Chinese food with some friends of ours who live on Wisteria Lane a block or two, and we ordered family style but it all had chicken, except for my dish.) So I have been eating minimal amounts of chicken and turkey.

What do I miss the most about not eating red meat? Double cheeseburgers.

Oh yes. I know, I know, I could still have one once in a while, but I know myself and I know that I have to draw the line somewhere or else I won't listen to myself and then I'll sabotage myself.

Aren't you glad you stopped by The Jason Show today? Such important stuff.

The Jason Show Goes Glamping!

2011-08-12T18:31:00.000-07:00

It may shock you to learn that I hate camping. Not that I've been real camping since I was a teenager, but the mere thought of it puts me on edge. It just seems like a huge amount of work all so you can sleep on the ground and poop in brambles. And all the dirt. And lack of conveniences. And so on.

Don't get me wrong. I love nature. I love to look at it, and to be in it. I love fresh air and sunshine and the peace and beauty that nature has to offer. But I don't think God intended for us to sleep in it.

Unless, that is. . .you go glamping.

Glamping is a word derived from "glamour" and "camping." Glamping.

When you go glamping you sleep in a large, room-sized tent that has a wood floor and electricity.

Your bed has been prepared for you with deep pillows, comfy mattresses, and crisp, fresh linens.

You get to spend time doing outdoorsy things, like playing frisbee and drinking Diet Coke.

When you go glamping, there are plenty of green, grassy open spaces that are painstakingly manicured.

If you are feint at heart and not as adventuresome as I am, you may choose to sleep in one of the available cabins with private baths and kitchenettes.

When you go glamping, you make sure that you take pictures of your co-glampers.

You take romantic walks on secluded trails. And when you get home, you photoshop the huge dark circles that were under your eyes in the picture of that romantic walk on that secluded trail.

Ahem. Where were we? Oh yes. . . all while listening to the babbling brook nearby.

When you go glamping, you feel giddy every time you approach the restroom facilities.

You marvel at the spaciousness of the accommodations,

the hot, private shower,

the Earth-friendly, flushless urinals,

and a toilet so clean you could eat off it. If you wanted to.

When you go glamping, you have a glamp fire that you build and light yourself.

You roast weenies. And your son and his cousin take advantage of the opportunity to say "weenie" over and over again.

When you go glamping, you eat like a king.

Notice the Jiffy Pop and the Starburst roasting?

Almost as wonderful as the restroom accommodations, the glamping store sells a large assortment equipment and supplies that glampers might need, like fine wines. I was indeed a happy camper. That is, a happy glamper.

When you go glamping, you have a lot of laughs, perhaps with new friends.

And when it gets dark, you turn on the bedside lamp so you can read until you are overcome with delicious drowsiness and you fall asleep to cricket songs and hooting owls.

Good night. Maybe next time, you can come glamping with The Jason Show, too.

---

This episode of The Jason Show was filmed here.

Losing Jennie

2011-08-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

Last week a high school friend of mine was found dead in her car in a remote location some distance from her home. She had been missing for two or three days. There was no evidence of foul play, and even after an autopsy, they have been unable to determine her cause of death. Her name was Jennie.

It is interesting, perhaps morbidly so, for me to observe other people when they are faced with the death of a friend, family member, or even acquaintance. Everyone, of course, is entitled to their own reactions and emotional responses. However, I could hardly believe something I read on a Facebook memorial page that has been set up for Jennie. One classmate of ours said something like, "I dated 10 girls in high school, and now with Jennie's passing, 2 out of the 10 girls I dated are now dead."

Huh?

That was almost as good as a line I heard on The Big C (one of my favorite shows ever). Kathy tells her friend about her stage 4 cancer, and her friend gets very upset, crying, and then saying,
"This will be my very first friend that has died from cancer! How am I going to handle this?"

Yes, I guess when a friend or loved one dies, we all tend to make it all about ourselves. And I suppose I am doing the very same thing here.

Jennie could get me laughing like nobody else. I remember crying and holding my sides almost every time we were together. We laughed so hard, our ribs would hurt, so in mid-laugh we would force out the word "Ribs!" as tears rolled down our faces. Her sense of humor it what I loved most about about her, though she had so many wonderful qualities. She was bright, witty, she had a gorgeous singing voice, she was an accomplished pianist, and a mother and foster mother, to name a few.

I just reconnected with her on Facebook about a year ago, though it was on a superficial level. I guess its impossible to really reconnect with everyone from our past. Right?

We may never know what took Jennie. Maybe she had her demons, as so many of us do. Maybe not. It doesn't matter. She is gone and nobody will ever fill her shoes, most especially to her husband, children, and many foster children that she had.

Thank you, Jennie, for being a special person in my life.

One last thing. Yesterday was Jennie's birthday. This is what her husband posted on his Facebook wall:

"Today was Jennie's birthday. There was so much to get ready for the family and funeral, it was pretty rough. But Adri (their daughter) made a cake and the whole family sang happy birthday to her one last time."

Our Third, Rennen

2011-08-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

It was a special day for us all when Rennen was born, over fourteen years ago.

She is the third of the five kids that Claire, Dennis, Giancarlo, and I call "ours". We are lucky to be spending time with her for two weeks until school starts.

Rennen loves spending time with Amelia. Amelia loves spending time with her.

Rennen is beautiful.

Rennen has a goofy side. Once when she was twelve I dared her to go up to a cashier at a fast food restaurant and ask in a British accent if they had any tea and crumpets. She did it without batting an eye.

Rennen has a quick and contagious laugh. She melted my heart the other day when I asked her who her favorite relatives are. After brief consideration, she said, "You guys."

Here they are. Ours. And we wouldn't be the same without Rennen.

Tearing Off the Scab

2011-07-27T07:41:00.000-07:00

It used to be for me that every time I came back to Utah, it was like intentionally tearing off a scab that wasn't quite ready to come off, causing it to bleed again almost as much as the first time. It would take weeks for that scab to get back to the point where it was before I picked it off.

Now, coming back to Utah is only like glancing down at my scar and remembering that it's there but not feeling the pain anymore.

Time heals all wounds. But it doesn't make you forget them.

OceanLab

2011-07-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

Step 1. Download this album onto your ipod.

Step 2. Lay down in the dark.

Step 3. Prepare to be blown away.

Step 4. Listen to it in its entirety, with headphones, the volume turned up.

Step 5. Report back.

Tough Love

2011-07-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

Tough Love is defined as "an expression used when someone treats another person harshly or sternly with the intent to help them in the long run." It is often an action taken by parents who have come to the end of their ropes with a son or daughter who is doing something harmful to themselves or others, and the parents refuse to continue supporting that behavior by providing some sort of financial help, such as a place to live and food to eat, in this case.

This week we have made a grueling, yet simple decision regarding one of our children. She is no longer welcome to stay here, until she can prove, really prove, that she has pulled herself and her life together and begin behaving like an adult. It has been the hardest decision I've ever made, but it has been ten years coming. Ten years of grief, heartache, fear, paranoia, false hope, anger, frustration, panic, worry, sleepless nights, and the sense of being held prisoner in my own home.

She's gone now.

And I'm changing the locks.

The End of My Rope

2011-07-19T08:34:00.000-07:00