Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Jason Show 2011 in Review

The Jason Show writers found a great way to recap the episodes of 2011 from Eternal Lizdom.


January
We began the year with a photographic review of the 2010 holidays on The Jason Show.  I then discussed my squeaky sinus situation and my physical that was rescheduled by my doctor three times.  I gave the world a private peek into my prostate exam, and revisited the topic of confrontation and how much I hate it, although I have gotten better at dealing with it.  Explaining to Diego how puppies are made (and human babies) was another major event in January, followed by my borderline cholesterol and my decision to give vegetarianism a try.  I bought cigarettes for the first time in my life, and shared the true blessing that a good sturdy electric pencil sharpener can be to a teacher.  Ines, Diego's former caregiver, and her eccentricities were the topic of the next post.  One of my students selflessly cut off her hair in order to make a wig for one of my students who had brain cancer.   Finally, I ended the first month of the year sharing some cherished and funny memories of fishing with my grandpa in the Tetons in Idaho.

February
February started with an update on my newly acquired vegetarianism and then showed people what a breast man really looks like.  Next, I perpetuated the biggest hoax of the year by allowing people to think that I opened my own restaurant, while in fact I merely opened a smart phone application called Restaurant Story.  Jason, Plumber Extraordinaire, was the title of the next post, in which I impressed you all with my amazing plumbing prowess.  The next seven posts were a series entitled "It's 5:00 Somewhere" in which I chronicled what I did each day of the week at exactly 5:00.  My sister actually came up with the idea, and she did the same thing for a week on her blog, Squibs and Crackers.  I shared and update on the phenomenon of the grout sprout, and I answered one of my student's questions about what life was like back when everything was in black and white.  Then I told a (true) silly little story about a silly little man who dropped his phone in the toilet and flooded his entire restaurant.

March
March started off with a bang and an outstanding, yet hysterical It Gets Better video, which I consider to be one of the highlights of The Jason Show in 2011.  If you haven't watched it, you really, really should.    Madness once again visited Wisteria Lane, only this time, I was the crazy lunatic screaming at two people standing in my front yard.  Then we were visited by my sister and her family and we actually went to a, well, a place on Earth.  I cracked myself up living one day as a squatter in my buddy JLo's house.  Speaking of JLo, I announced plans to go on a fall foliage cruise in 2032 with her and our kooky friend Danielle.  I'm the official unofficial historian of my book club, and I gave our (quite comprehensive) annual book list update.  I rounded off March by getting on my teacher/parent/human being soapbox and denouncing the Chucky movie franchise and any parent who allows their young ones to view any of those horrific excuses for entertainment.

April
Our family lost someone who we really cared about, especially Diego.  I confessed that I have become addicted to playing certain games on Facebook and on my phone.  I revisited what it was like to live without hope in respect to cancer and how that has changed for me now.  I shared a picture and thoughts about turtles sunning themselves, and I shared my neutrality toward Easter.  I talked about Giancarlo's turkey nerves, and then showed off my new Lady Gaga glasses before teaching some very important life lessons from Gaga herself.

May
The word, "hort" was the topic of my May Day post.  I wrote a letter to Ricky Martin, in which I revealed to him my detailed plan to get him into bed with Giancarlo and me.  One of my other wildest fantasies came true when Giancarlo and I attended an actual Ricky Martin concert along with 5,000 other gay latinos and Mexican grandmothers.  Unfortunately, my afterglow was ruined by the compulsory administration of the STAR test.  Eyebrows were the next topic of discussion spurned on by the fact that I had accidentally shaved half of my right eyebrow off in preparation for Ricky.  May was a month for concerts, for some friends of mine and I also went to see the impeccable Kylie Minogue at the Hollywood Bowl.

June
One of my best friends ever in my life moved away.  I shared the ABCs of Me, then reproclaimed my love to Giancarlo in celebrating 14 years of togetherness.  Early in June, my brother-in-law, Giampiero, married Donella, and it was such a memorable occasion that Show writers put it into a three part episode, A Jason Show Family Wedding, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.  We followed those with a down and dirty inside scoop on what really happened at that wedding!  My father-in-law has quite the sense of humor from time to time, especially when it comes to his wife, so I shared a little tidbit of it.  The June wrap-up was a couple of posts about the importance of a change of scenery and the fabulous time I had with Amelia during San Francisco Pride.

July
This month started off in a highly unnerving way for Giancarlo, when he heroically administered CPR on our neighbor across the street who had a massive coronary, but he passed away nonetheless.  Later, Single Sentence Soup experienced a teensy, eensy revival with teensy weensy comment feedback.  The hit ABC Family series, Switched at Birth, continued filming across the street from the Show household.  Then, the hardest thing I've experienced in quite a while happened when our oldest daughter began another round of--stuff, and ended up moving to Kentucky with a guy older than me whom she had only met online.  This gave us no other choice than to invoke the phrase "tough love."  It was awful.  I truly believe that one of the reasons I came out on the other side without a visit to the psyc ward was because I self administered some heavy doses of music therapy in the form of OceanLab.  We topped the month off with a trip to Utah and Idaho, and in relation to that I discussed how time heals all wounds.

August
Rennen flew back from Utah with us and stayed for a couple of weeks, which was one of the highlights of the summer for us.  While she was here, we impressed ourselves and yourselves when we went Glamping.  One of my best friends from high school died of unknown causes in her car up in the mountains.  School started again and I found that I had a new student who loved to do bizarre things and tell very tall tales, like putting corn nuts deep into in his own ear and then blaming it on the most docile lamb in the school.  One of my aunts sent me some old family pictures, and one of them was one of my mother and me just after I was born, that I had never seen before.  I continued to try to sort through my feelings about what went on with my daughter.  Comic relief came to the rescue when a lady at my school parking lot thought I could help her with her overheated car engine just because I was a man.  And lastly for the month of August, I took the plunge and signed up for a huge challenge in the form of organic fresh fruits and vegetables called Abundant Harvest.

September
Teacher Tales came back for yet another season on The Jason Show, and in this episode one of my students was floored to learn that his birthday occurs on the same day each year.  Homo Hodgepodge was the title of an episode of Q & A With Your Token Gay, and another Teacher Tales shared more tall tales from corn-nut-in-ear student.   I then experienced a very sour experience at my place of employment that upset me horribly, and it seemed to zap my blog mojo into oblivion because it was so much at the forefront of my mind that it was all I wanted to write about, but couldn't.  However, taking my son to a football game at the end of the month simply could not be ignored!

October
Posts from The Jason Show as well as readership and comments dropped to an all time low in October, and we continued to blame it on the previously mentioned sour work experience.    Marlee Matlin showed up in my front yard.  The Jason Show had a Sunday Roast.  The death of a distant relative briefly brought Amelia home from San Francisco, as well as made me really think about what I would like to happen when I die.  And Diego provided some much needed laughter.

November
Thanks to so much generosity from so many of you, I met my fundraising goal of $2,300.00, which enabled me to participate in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for a Cure for the second time.  We discussed the elephant in the room.  I pondered the importance of not complaining.    I made my one-item Christmas list, shared a heart-warming and tear-jerking You Tube video called It's Time, and wrote about a funny little Chinese lady named Gina.

December
Counting this post, there were only four in December.  What is going on?  The first one was a big photo spill from 2011.  The second told the world of my worst nightmare come true, and the 2011 season of The Jason Show was topped off with a marvelous extravaganza called Christmas in Victorville.

So there you have it!  I seriously doubt ANYONE in their right mind would sit through this enormously long and perhaps mundane season recap, but since I have the time right now thanks to winter vacation, I have quite enjoyed myself.  It was really quite a year.  And...yes..I love starring in The Jason Show as much as I ever have.

Now...for a quick test.  If you actually read this whole thing (or even skimmed it) please provide actual proof  by telling me the best thing and the worst thing that happened to you on your show during 2011.  We'll see in anyone passes.  Does anyone care to set the curve?

See you next year.



Friday, December 30, 2011

Come With Us! You'll LOVE Christmas in Victorville.

Every year on Christmas day we get together with Giancarlo's Mexican side of the family. . . usually somewhere far from here that I get a kick out of calling "Fontucket". . .but this year the gathering was held in the Southern California high desert, also known as Victorville.

If you've ever driven down I-15 from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, you've been through Victorville.  It is one of those California desert towns, much like Barstow, where, when you get out of the car to get gas you are instantly fried to a crisp.  That is, if it is summer time.  If it is winter and you're from the coast, you remark at how much colder it is in Victorville....freezing; something like 50 degrees.

Victorville was chosen because Giancarlo's cousin just bought a home there.  You see, Jaime is a young bachelor just out of the military, and he is now a helicopter pilot who makes daily flights from Barstow to Van Nuys and back.  He has worked his ass off and has pilot's license, a BMW, and a huge house to show for it.  I have to say that I really admire the guy.



Jaime put in his time in Iraq and Afghanistan, which is something I could never even think of doing.  As a youth, my worst nightmare was that we would go to war and I would be drafted.  My worst nightmare ever.  Little did I know that there were things I could have done to get myself out of it. . . like facing the truth, for instance.  Of course now that wouldn't work for me anymore.  I wonder how many gay teens are saying to themselves, "DAMN IT!  NOW what if I get drafted?  My get out of the military free card has just been revoked!"  (Don't get me wrong.  I am most grateful to all of those who helped bring Don't Ask Don't Tell to an end.)

But I digress.  That has nothing to do with Jaime.  His bachelor pad royale, however, has everything to do with Jaime.  I wish I had taken pictures of his place.  From his alcohol-themed decor to the bed next to the pool in back, it screams party.  And I respect a man who knows how to party. . . IF he knows how to work, too.  Which he obviously does.

Enough.  Clearly,  I may have the tiniest little crush on cousin Jaime.

Christmas in Victorville started out slow.  I sat on the couch in the living room and watched about 5 hours of the Homily of the Holy Father with Pietro, my father-in-law, making irreverent comments about the  cardinals' costumes and how their faces did not look undiabolic.   We also chortled about how the beams of light surrounding the head of the baby Jesus looked like golden spears piercing his wee head.  We mused that the Baby Jesus seemed to be waving non-chalantly at the world, like, "Hey, how ya doin'?"



Meanwhile, the other guys played beer pong on the back patio.

Soon, Frying of Fish began.  I was thrilled to be watching the Homily of the Holy Father while the rank odor of fried fish sunk into my clothes and hair.  However, I made the best of it and kept a smile on my face and a beer in my hand.  And it wasn't so bad.

The food was pretty good.  Chiles rellenos, cheese and green chili tamales, rice, and beans all made me and my tummy happy.

Next came the Insanity of the Gifts.  Every year I just have to sit back and marvel at the mad chaos that goes on with around fifty people all burrowing through piles of presents, screaming out of the names of the recipients, paper flying and hugs, kisses, and mil gracias abounding.  This part of the get-together makes Giancarlo crazy because he would like to have each person open their gifts one at a time while everyone else silently observes with their hands folded in their laps.  I kind of agree, but I enjoy the madness of the spectacle so much.  I remember last year, somehow, Elsa realized that Diego hadn't gotten as many gifts as the other children and she sat in the corner, scowling and pouting, refusing to be consoled.  I won't lie.  I enjoyed that spectacle, too.

Toward the end, we posed for the Group Photo.  As you can imagine, this process took at least 30 minutes.


There are a few things I should point out in this photograph.  First of all, in the very back, the youngest one of the clan, 5-month old Sebastian, is proudly holding a beer in the air.  Classic.   Also, notice that our cousin Claudia is holding an old man doll, who, coincidentally, looks just like my father in law, Pietro, on the left.  Notice, too, that Diego, near the center in a blue shirt is providing us with his best photo face.

The best part of Christmas in Victorville was that we spent the night at the Hilton Garden Inn and that we were fast asleep by 10:00.  Everyone else  in the photo above camped out on the floors, surely collapsing at around 3:30 or 4:00 a.m.  At least ten people slept on Jaime's bedroom floor.  One person even slept on the stairs, I was told.

I've found that the hardest kind of family togetherness for me is traveling in the car with them.  Upon arrival at our destination, the plastic on the interior of the car door inevitably has giant scratch marks from my clenched claws, desperately trying to scratch their way to freedom.  Nobody seems to notice this, though, because I keep them distracted with my cheery smile, calm disposition, and considerate, pleasant conversation.

Come with us!  You'll love Christmas in Victorville!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Teacher Tales: Holidays on Ice and a Nightmare Come True



Listening to David Sedaris' Holidays on Ice is my Christmas gift to myself this year.  Sedaris is by far my favorite author.  Reading his writing cracks me up and lifts my spirits.  Listening to his writing puts a grin on my face and  makes time pass lickety split.


I listened to him this morning as I waited in the Starbuck's drive thru line.  It took quite a long time but I didn't really notice because I was enjoying myself so much.  When I got to the window a cheery girl said, "Here's your venti coffee with cream and three sugars, and it's on us.  Sorry for the wait.  Happy holidays!"

This day was destined to be fabulous.

Upon arrival at school, I went to the Multi Purpose Room to make sure it was all set up for our annual 2nd grade holiday program.  I took a sip of my coffee, and set it down on the stage.  I moved some risers and chairs, arranged some props, and proceeded to move the microphone to the correct side of the stage.  That's when it happened...the thing that I actually have recurring dreams nightmares about.  I knocked my venti coffee with cream and three sugars over with the cord, and sent it flying over the stage, all over the risers, and onto the floor.  I know a venti is a lot of coffee.  But when it gets flung, it looks like a gallon.

 I had only had one sip.  And the program would be starting in a few minutes.

Fortunately, our custodian was very quick and helpful with the clean up (which isn't always the case) and she even offered me some of the office coffee, which saved the day, although it wasn't that good, and well, it wasn't venti.  It was more like six ounces.

It is times like this that you begin to understand the extremity of your addiction, but I must say that thanks to  some Diet Coke, I was able to make it through the day without feeling cranky or biting any undeserving (or deserving) second grader's head off.

Our program, which includes many speaking parts and nine different holiday songs from around the world, was a success.  The kids knew their parts and the songs sounded better than ever.  

Back in the classroom, I sat back and watched my twenty three seven-year- olds as they constructed paper snowmen.  I had one of those moments where I just enjoyed those little personalities, even the ones who tend to be naughty, and well, it warmed my heart.  This year has been a rough one so far.  Boy did I need that moment.

Now winter vacation is upon us.  Time to curl up with my fuzzy blankie and listen to more Holidays on Ice!
  

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Photospill 2011

In no particular order, The Jason Show presents a hodgepodge of photos from 2011.



In October, at a funeral.


August.  Diego tries out his new swim goggles.  In a pasta pot.


June.  San Francisco Pride.  Oh, what a weekend it was!


In May, at the Hollywood Bowl awaiting the Kylie Minogue concert...Kaskade is currently playing and a new favorite was being formed.


In July, Daniel and my nephew, Devin.


In July, at the Jasonshmirtz Annual Family Reunion in Rigby, Idaho.  From left to right, starting in back:  My sister, Katrine; my sister-in-law, Kira; my youngest brother, Paul; Jason and Giancarlo; my nephew Devin; Dear Old Dad; and Diego.


July.  Daniel and me.  I love this photo so much.


July.  Another photo of my sister-in-law, Kira, whom I adore.


September.  Jason enjoying a football game.  


November.  Amelia at work!


Thanksgiving Day.  Wah-wah-waaaah.


November.  Daniel, Amelia, and Rennen in San Francsico.


October.  Claire, looking fabulous.


November.  Grammy and Dieguito.



Thanksgiving dinner.


November, in Utah.  We bought this froggie hat for Daniel in San Francisco.


October.  Constipated in a pumpkin patch.


Halloween!


August.  Homemade sausage.  *Shudder*



November.  Our 13th Thanksgiving together!