I've never done well with confrontation. I avoid it at all costs, even now. Even now, after learning in therapy and my own life experience that I have to let out a little bit of steam now and then or else I will blow. When I do find that confrontation is unavoidable, my palms sweat and my heart races, even hours after. It doesn't matter if I know that I am right, it doesn't matter if it is something that I absolutely must address at all costs.
Today I let out a little bit of steam. Okay, maybe a moderate amount of steam. I suppose I've been storing it up a bit too long. I didn't blow per se, but I did speak angrily, raising my voice. Although still under control, I felt things flying out of my mouth that I hadn't planned on saying. They were all things that really needed to be said, particularly because they had to do with the well-being of one of my children, but I know they were perceived as hurtful.
Once, Claire and I had a big fight. No, actually, it wasn't a fight, it was me, blowing up. I had been practicing my usual learned and, to me, instinctive behavior of bottling things up. I was making dinner, and she made a comment regarding my cooking. The comment wasn't anything more than the usual type of comment spouses make to each other, but I took huge offense to it. And snapped. I threw an aluminum pepper shaker, the over-sized kind with a handle like a coffee cup, painted with country blue hens and mauve hearts, at the floor, and it exploded. Pepper flew everywhere. Then, as if this weren't enough, I stormed into the room where Claire was sitting, and grabbed the nearest thing at hand. It happened to be one of those push toys with a clear plastic dome and colored balls that looked like gum balls. Wham! Wham! Wham! I slammed it on the empty bed, over and over again, breaking it to pieces. Eyes as big as saucers, Claire observed me patiently.
Then it was over. A sense of euphoria flooded over me, not unlike the kind that you get after you've thrown up, and your body releases endorphins to try to calm you down and help you feel better. I resumed making dinner, and Claire continued doing whatever it was that she had been doing.
Today I didn't blow, so I didn't get that euphoric feeling. Just the gnawing sensation that something is amiss and that life is full of conflict, no matter what you do to avoid it.
It seems to me, however, that some people thrive on conflict. They crave it. They savor it. And if there isn't any conflict readily presenting itself, they make it. It keeps them busy, occupying their minds and giving them something to do when quiet peace just seems to be too much to bear. I would even go so far as to crassly state that they get off on it.
Do you relish confrontation? Or do you run and hide from it, sticking your head in the sand? Or perhaps you one of those lucky people who stands somewhere in between.
Today I didn't blow, so I didn't get that euphoric feeling. Just the gnawing sensation that something is amiss and that life is full of conflict, no matter what you do to avoid it.
It seems to me, however, that some people thrive on conflict. They crave it. They savor it. And if there isn't any conflict readily presenting itself, they make it. It keeps them busy, occupying their minds and giving them something to do when quiet peace just seems to be too much to bear. I would even go so far as to crassly state that they get off on it.
Do you relish confrontation? Or do you run and hide from it, sticking your head in the sand? Or perhaps you one of those lucky people who stands somewhere in between.
42 comments:
I hate confrontation, therefore that is the reason I don't go to family functions. Just not in the same mold as them.
I will hold it in also until the one last thing sets me off and thar she blows.
I'm a hider, but every once in a while I used to blow. I think it was hormonal -- I haven't felt the urge in quite a while. But I learned not to break anything, because I always had to clean it up.
Confrontation? Nope, instead I go for the food, hence why I am overweight.....
I don't go looking for confrontation and I used to be very bad at confronting people. I'm better at it now....depends on what and who is being confronted, and why.
It is best to NOT avoid it if it is warranted.....don't run from it. It will all build up and can and will lead to health issues a little later on. All that stress is not good to keep in Jason....let it out and learn to do it as calmly as you can. Good luck.
Jim
I am not a fan of it. It stresses me out. I am a fan of you though : ) You are a super star : ) Love, Becky
I hate confrontation and my role in the family has always been peacekeeper. After 51 years of peacekeeping skills I think I could bring peace to the Middle East!
I don't like confrontation, but am willing to go through it if something very important may be gained. I guess that puts me somewhere in between.
To keep calm in heated situations is a trained state of mind, as to stay focused to think things through is a necessesity to try and be amiable for peaceful solutions!
I understand your influences, as so much of peoples behaviour is due to life being so stressful, that a blow out on occasion relesses this frustration.
I wish you well, and to have a great new year.
Thank you. Love love, Andrew. Bye. Take wonderful and gentle care.
I admit that I'm pretty scrappy, so I don't mind confrontation very much. I don't actively search for it or start it when I'm bored (okay, I might spark a debate on purpose now and then) but I'm not going to run away from it when it presents itself.
Being this way has actually kept a lot of people from picking fights with me, I think. Most people know up front that I'm not going to back down.
I wonder what I said.
I certainly don't relish confrontation, but I definitely don't shy from it. I have seen so much damage come from people swallowing what they should be confronting until they either blow or die inside.
I hope your confrontation accomplished what it should have--to clear the air.
It might be worth noting that I've never broken anything in anger--so the not letting it build seems to work.
I don't like conflict but I am unable to keep the lid on my steam when someone or something roils be the wrong way. Perhaps that is good because I rarely have the kind of truly explosive behavior that you just related in your post. Once I did put my fist through the wallboard in the kitchen when Significant Other and I were having a particularly intense "discussion." I have never, NEVER thrown anything. Never will either. And it goes without saying that neither one of us has ever laid a hand on the other.
My inability to keep my anger bottled up has resulted in me saying exactly what I felt and meant to all of my bosses over my working career, including the part-job at the hotel that I have now. When the owner put an ad in the paper recently for a replacement of my part-time front desk job I wasn't going to say anything about it because that was his prerogative as the owner but I couldn't sleep that night. So the next day I requested a meeting and told him that I didn't have a problem with him replacing me but that if he wasn't pleased with my performance, then tell me directly and don't play these games with me and my mind. There, it was off my chest and I could sleep that night. In this case, my confrontation turned out alright because the owner has a newfound respect for me and I continue to work. However, that has always not been the case having lost two previous jobs because I confronted my boss with a situation that I didn't think was right.
I'm not bragging, just stating a fact that I have a physical and mental inability to keep my feelings bottled up. I simply cannot do it. I erupt like a volcano, a controlled volcano. If I kept my emotions bottled up I fear I would erupt like Krakatoa and break a lot of stuff. As it turns out, all I do is erupt a lot of steam which is enough to get someone's attention without destroying anything. That's my story.
The word, confrontation, used to nauseate me. As I have gotten older, I have had to be confrontational. When I took care of my mother for 10 years, I became the only voice she had. I think it was then I began to shift into a "comfort zone".
Becoming a minister has presented another form of adaptation. People have confronted me many times as if they were looking for me to "defend" how I can believe that God loves me as he does them . . .because I am "different".
I have learned that God doesn't need to be defended. He created all of us. And it is mostly fear that presents itself in the form of confrontation when people go about it from an angry standpoint.
I don't care for confrontation. However, I am no longer afraid of it. I have learned this, "If they are not taking away my birthday, they can't do much harm." And, "Since God loves me, who the heck do they really think they are."
That alone has leveled all need to get nauseated about the whole thing.
*sigh* I'm like you. Pretty calm, but let things build, and then WHAMMO!
I always get in trouble. Usually for not saying something EARLIER and letting things build up, and then saying something WAAY over the top.
Constantly working on it...
Great topic!
When I was growing up and into adulthood, I didn't like confrontation very much. But as the years have gone by I have found myself less and less willing to hold my tongue over something that needs to be said. Now that I am getting "mature", I no longer suffer fools gladly and I no longer feel constrained from saying what I think. I figure at this point, there is no reason to let anyone try to hurt or take advantage of me. If people then think of me as a crotchety old lady (or worse), so be it. Holding in anger and frustration and other painful emotions is non-productive. Really!
well, i HATE confrontation too.. but if anything gives me enough courage to say what needs to be said, it's when it's about my kids... a parent will do whatever it takes in that moment.
otherwize, i let it build...
I don't relish it but I don't hide from it either. I also hate for things to fester and just sit... so I like things to be discussed and hased out when needed. It works well in my work environment and not so well in my home environment as my husband is one who needs time to mull things over internally...
Don't love it, don't mind it. There are definitely conflict junkies, the chaos junkies make me more nuts though. Much more. Thankfully there are none in my family and I avoid them elsewhere.
I love Claire's comment and now I want to be BFFs with her.
P.S. I forgot to answer the question. I tend to speak my mind. Duh. Heh.
I just lost 4 friends (2 couples) to confrontation that started with comments on my blog. From the blog it moved to Facebook emails and then to regular emails. Hurtful things were said and as of today we decided to all get over it but things will never be the same. I feel as I do and they feel as they do and we can't agree. Blame is being thrown around. I admire Claire for being so calm and letting you blow. It's important to remember to think about what you say or write as it's nearly impossible to take the hurt back.
I hate confrontation. I used to TRY and "talk things out" if something was really bothering me - at least in my marriage. After banging my head against the wall in frustration enough times, I've now decided I might as well become an avoider. It has the same results. Which is NO results.
I'm sorry sugar. Hope you are okay.
Well I don't LIKE conflict, but I have learned that it's best to just get it the heck out of the way rather than sit on it. I don't like to be a delayed response volcano. I guess you know . . . that's not a good thing.
Conflict Avoider here. Bottle up and blow later. Used to do this a lot - almost exclusively at my husband. But I've learned to stop, breathe deep (no matter how much I don't want to), stay where I am (instead of charging into the room where the offender is) and decide "I can address this when I'm calmer." And, "Is it worth it?" Becasue I really hate the tension that lasts for days and days afterward. I'm probably successful about 75% of the time these days. Took a long time to get here.
And you are right. My profession teaches me daily that there are people who thrive on "stirring the pot" as I like to call it. And people in my personal life who teach me several times each year, especially around the holidays.
P.S. Who swept up the pepper? And did you sneeze much?
I wonder what Claire said too. Most valuable lesson in life - never insult the cook!
I don't like confrontation, but after several years of supervising employees I've gotten better at doing it respectfully. Every now and then though, I get all wonky and lose my tempter and feel foolish. And very sorry I did it.
I'm like you. We take after our mother. I never realized how many blog awards you have. That's amazing! You're amazing! In your acceptance speech I hope you said you owe it to your sister because for years she told you to start a blog. You're welcome!
From the way I feel, nothing but ostriches in my ancestry... I visualize them all lined up behind me, back into history, all with their heads in the sand.
Jason, I think I love you.
:)
I am EXACTLY LIKE YOU in this respect. I've noticed that with a lot of things. hmm. I never connected the euphoric feeling with throwing up though. I have noticed that after the euphoria is a huge let down and a feeling that going off on someone wasn't worth it. Once I realized that, my reactions to a lot of things needed to change. Still working on that one. Such a good post Jason.
Like most people I avoid confrontation. I tend to be calm, but will let some things eat away at my innards. The rare occasion where I might blow up, I usually wind up saying things I really do not mean to say.
I hate confrontation. It makes me physically ill. Since I avoid it at every turn when I do blow it is not pretty.
I am exactly like you. I dread confrontation. I hate it. I dread Parent Teacher conferences that I know that it will be unavoidable. I dread it with my wife. I just hate it.
I use humor a lot to compensate and to lighten things up. But sometimes, I am like you. Ijust blow. My wife better hide the pepper shakers.
I liked the yogurt's second comment.
I also hate confrontations.
Happy New Year. :)
Hate it, hate it, hate it. But am learning that it's necessary sometimes.
The trick for me is to get enough said so that the message gets through, while leaving out the things I will regret later.
Your description of Claire's behavior when you were raging is something I have never been around. Never growing up. Not as an adult either. In therapy a couple years ago I learned how better to react and behave in conflict. Before that I panicked. I felt like I was being cornered. Trapped. Hard to breathe. I was around fighting, really bad and lots of time physical fighting growing up that when someone started yelling my defenses went to the place to get ready for the big fight. It sounds like you too have learned how to handle things when you need to deal with something unpleasant. It does not have to get to the ugly stage of screaming, name calling, throwing the past in someones face and all the junk people do when they get frustrated and scared. Most of the time now I avoid conflict. Before I say something I think it through thoroughly and if it is indeed that important, I proceed with respect and talk in the first person. I do what I want done to me. Not that I ms. perfect. Uh uh. But I have a much better way of dealing with possible conflict now.
Excellent post. I am much like you, in that the vast majority of my life, I have avoided conflict at ALL costs, even to the point of doing things I DIDN'T want to do, with people I didn't LIKE, just to AVOID stepping on any toes or having any one "not like me" or "be mad at me".
But once I hit 30 I came to the realization that life is too darn short. Occasionally, there must be disagreement and conflict. Unpleasant feelings need to come out. No it's not fun and I still try to avoid it if there's any OTHER way around it, but when there's not, I put on my Big Girl Panties and deal with it.
I've even lost a (small) handful of friends since coming to this realization 13 years ago, but hey... if they can't take the fact that I may occasionally disagree wtih them, or "call them on the carpet" about something, then .... good riddance.
Excellent post - here's to self-respect and standing UP for oneself, even when it's not 100% comfortable!
I don't LIKE confrontation, but I definitely don't avoid it or put it off. What I can't stand is drama. People who create issues, as you said, like confrontation and drama.
Confrontation, though, is necessary;
It's not only necessary, it's inevitable. It's all about choosing battles.
You just made a frighteningly accurate description of me. So accurate, as a matter of fact, that I may have to explore this one further over at my place.
Confrontation requires planning. It requires a healthy meal, a good night's sleep, the proper outfit, a well-crafted speech (with single spaced between sentence pauses), a backup team, snacks for the journey (one does not confront with low blood sugar...poor form), an independent judge, and a photographer and videographer to capture the entire thing should proof be deemed necessary for a proper, once and for always
finis to the entire thing.
That's how it's written out in the Burdlebasch Confrontation Society Rulebook. If you need a copy, I can lend one. You know, after I write it.
Run and hide. Run and hide. Run and hide. And if you find me and try to fight with me? I'll cry. I need to work on this. :)
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