Snippets From an 11-Year -Old Jason

Harriet the Spy is the story of a twelve year old girl who spies on people and takes very candid, opinionated notes on everything she sees and hears. Not only was it my favorite book when I was eleven, but I decided I wanted to be like Harriet and do some spying of my own. I actually still have my spy notebook, holding onto it thinking I may some day have a use for it. Twenty seven years later, I'm dusting it off....just for you.

I can't believe how long it takes my brother and sister to choose a cereal! They also fight over the dumbest things.

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Something is wrong with my life. I can feel it in my bones.

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Ron is disgusting. He goes around with only his swimming suit on in fifty degree weather. He is more disgusting than Phillip. Now that's pretty bad!

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I am going to be the best actor in the whole US of A. In my spare time I will write childrens' books that have adventure, lots and lots of laughs, and relate to real life. I know what children like, since I am one, so if I read this when I'm an adult I'll know what children like.

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Dad always runs around rubbing his hands on his arms like a. . . a. . . I don't know what the word is.

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I would hate to bite someone's foot for fun.

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Sister Stafford looks like a retard when she plays the organ. I still like her though.

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Katrine smells like toilet paper.

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Ray has suddenly turned into a cracker freak! He eats 100 crackers a day!

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This notebook is starting to become part of my life! I wouldn't trade it for a trip around the world! I'm going to fill up tons of notebooks with my thoughts and keep writing and writing until I'm old and gray and can't write anymore!

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My parents are rude to us. To other people they act nice. But they are fake. I hate it when they do that. Fake! Fake! Fake! Oooo that makes me mad.

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There is a lady in our ward who has a mustache and her eyes are crossed.

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My brother Daniel is so cute! He has red hair, blue eys and all of the girls are going to chase after him when he grows up! With all of his luck he'll be a movie star.

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I wonder what my mom would do if someone came up to her and said, "poopoo" or "weenie" or swear.

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Dad embarrasses me sometimes.

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I HATE football. It has no purpose at all. It's a stupid game. I'd like to hang the person who created that dumb game!

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E.R.A. is going too far. Pretty soon, if Anderson wins the election, I won't have one bit of privacy! I'll go into the bathroom and there will be women in there! There will be homosexuals swarming everywhere! Then everyone will be sorry they even brought up equal rights!

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Sometimes when Katrine gets on the bus her hair is never combed. She looks forlorn.

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I won't listen. I hate listening to the ridiculous conversations mom and dad have. Dad always gripes about people who gripe.

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Outside is the only quiet place at our house. Noises at our house:

1. TV blaring so loud its no wonder dad can't ever listen.

2. Ben and Daniel crying. (In fact I hear Ben right now.) I'm sick of babies.

3. Mom screaming. Well, sometimes.

4. Me screaming. I've been so moodly lately, I don't know what's happening. I lied. I think I'm going through puberty.

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I must be changing because I never help mom anymore. I don't know why. My parents told me they want to understand me. I think it's impossible to for them to understand. I don't know who I can talk to. If I try talking to mom, Daniel or Ben or Katrine or Ray always interrupt. It's aggravating! So I just gave up. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???

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So there you have it. A glimpse into the mind of an eleven year old me. Frightening, isn't it?

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This post originally aired in October, 2007.

Juicy Tidbits From The Jason Show

I swiped this meme from my friend, Kelly, at The Glass Dragonfly.

Do you get regular massages? No, but it sure would be nice.  I've had one real massage.  From a Swedish woman named Helga.

Do you have an answering machine? No, but we have voicemail on the home phone.

What cuss word do you use the most? I honestly don't swear much.  Usually if I do it's because I'm trying to be funny.

Are you underweight or overweight? I'm happy to say that according to the charts, I am exactly where I should be.  Take that all you high school football players who are now 400 pounds!

Can you see your veins? Some of them, of course.  My biggest one is....well, never mind.

Favorite…

Soap? Dove Cool Cucumber (or something like that).

Fruit?  Whatever is truly in season, usually from a farmer's market.

Kind of red meat? Any good steak or tri-tip.  I also loooove cheeseburgers.

Fish? Remember?  I got a fishvorce last year.

Candy bar? Hershey's Special Dark

Have You Ever…

Eaten a whole bag of potato chips? Not all at once, but potato chips are my favorite snack.  With dip, if possible.

Eaten lobster? Yes, and I honestly don't see what all of the fuss is about.  Plus, I got a fishvorce last year.  I don't like to eat stuff that takes a lot of effort.  Or things that scream as you put them in boiling water.

Climbed a mountain? Yes.  Mount Timpanogos in Utah.  Nearly killed me.

Been skydiving? Oh, no.

Been water skiing? Yes.  Please click here for the disgusting story.

Do You…

Wish you could change something about your life? Just little stuff.

Like your nose? There are other things I would change before I changed my nose.  Though I don't love it.

Like salt and vinegar chips? Mmmmm hmmmmm.

Eat salsa?  Love it.

Own a boat? No.  Of course not.

What Is…

A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences? A small thing.  Usually the big things have the dire consequences.  Hmm.  Maybe like leaving a banana peel on the steps and someone falling on it and breaking their neck.?

Your most macho trait?  Oh, that's funny.  Um, I'd have to say my hairy ass.

The longest relationship you’ve ever had? I'm assuming this means a romantic one.  That would be with my huzzbund of 13 years.

Your most embarrassing thoughts? Hee, hee, hee.  I guess they're about sex.  So I can't tell you.  They're too embarrassing. Or graphic.  Or something.

Your most shameful moment?  When I didn't share my gnocchi with a homeless lady.

This/That…

Bath/Shower? Usually a shower.  But in the winter on a cold night I love a hot bath.  However, our bathtub in this house is way too big.  The hot water runs out before I can fill it up all the way, or at least enough to make the jets work.  And then?  I try to lay back but there is so much water that I kinda float to the top.

Markers/Crayons? Markers.  Sharpies!

Pens/Pencils? Depends on the job at hand.

Jelly/Cream Cheese? Jelly, never.  Cream cheese, in lots of stuff.

Bagel/Toast? Whole wheat toast.

Finish…

My greatest weakness is…I'm selfish with my time.

I wish I was…

Three things I wouldn’t do for a million dollars are…kill or hurt someone, hurt myself.

The oddest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth is…testicles.

Firsts…

Credit card you had? What credit card DIDN'T I have?

Loan you got was for? School.  House.  Car.

Paycheck was for how much? Which paycheck?  When I worked at Taco Amigo, it was about $42.37.  But we got to eat a meal while at work, so really, according to my boss, that check was actually $442.37.

Time you had stitches? Oh, I was on the hood of my mom's Barracuda using the antennae as a microphone, singing my little 4 year old heart out, when I jumped off and landed on some jagged bricks that split my head open.  Hence, stiches.

Time you went to the hospital for something? To see my student with cancer.  I, personally, have never been admitted to the hospital.

Lasts…

List everything you ate in the last 24 hours? Last night I ate pasta with my very own homemade vodka sauce, and caesar salad.  Then I ate whole wheat Ritz crackers, two pieces of sharp cheddar, and a few black olives with my 2 glasses of red wine later that night.  This morning, I ate a banana and drank two cups of coffee.  For lunch, I had a very small amount of cheese enchilada with a bit of rice and beans, and an apple.  And a diet Dr. Pepper.  This evening for dinner I had a bowl of meatless chili and an orange.

Last thing you used a credit card for? Gas.

Last thing you celebrated? A quiet house.  Which I celebrated, quietly, in my heart.

Last time you were at a sports bar? I don't really go to sports bars, as a general rule.  But once my friends and I went to a big one that also had dancing.  Although the dancing wasn't that great, and the bar was all... sportsy.
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Sour Dough Pancakes and Fish, What a Dish!

My grandpa made sourdough pancakes with fish.

The scent of that breakfast would oft make me wish

I could sneak out the back or just stay in bed.

I'd come down those steep steps with a huge sense of dread.

The trout would stare up from the plate with dead eyes.

The sight of it always took me by surprise.

The bones poking out of the fish through the scales,

The head and the fins crispy just like the tail.

And the pancakes!  How sour and dreafully rank.

The wafting, the drifting, the floating smell stank.

Intermingled with fishiest pan fried pan fish smell,

My stomach lurched up and my guts throbbed pell mell.

Sticky syrup united the fish and the cakes,

A breakfast experience I could not take.

But grandpa, how proud of his customary feast!

And his gruffness, it scared me to say in the least.

So I sat and pretended to eat what I had,

Though everyone could tell that I thought it was bad.

My dad and mom and my uncles and aunts

Said, why, "It's delicious," they'd go on in their rants.

So why did we eat this stuff every darn summer?

We went fishing the day prior but I knew that the bummer

Would be that we had to eat all that fish

For breakfast the next morning, a huge steaming dish.

And now I look back at this bitter sweet thing

And I'm glad that I have this memory to bring.

There's one final item that my grandfather made

To go with this breakfast; 'twas a big jug of Kool-Aid!

Agnostic Blessings, Episode Fourteen: Potato Products

Blessing # 672:

Potato Products

I never met a potato product I didn't like!  Maybe it's my extensive Idahoan heritage.

(Not a lot of latke eating in Idaho, though.)

Low in carbs, low in fat, low in calories, and packed with vitamins, minerals, calcium, anti-oxidants, protein, probiotics, lycopene, iron, omega-3s, folic acid, potassium, lithium, progesterone, testosterone, estrogen, podium, immodium, and fiber, potatoes just might be nature's most perfect food!

What?

Jason’s Best Friend

“I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.”

-Unknown

“His ears were often the first thing to catch my tears.”
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive.”
-Gilda Radner

“Agreeable friends — they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms.”

-George Eliot

“I have found that when you are deeply troubled, there are things you get from the silent devoted companionship of a dog that you can get from no other source.”
-Doris Day

“Thorns may hurt you, men desert you, sunlight turn to fog;
but you're never friendless ever, if you have a dog.”
-Douglas Malick

 

"If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either."
– Unknown

“The more people I meet the more I like my dog."
-Unknown

Junk Drawers

I'm thinking about junk drawers today.  This morning I cleaned out our three--yes, three--junk drawers that we have in our kitchen, situated all in a row.  Is it really necessary for us to have that many junk drawers?  Do other people have that many?

I'll admit:  It is mostly my fault that we have three junk drawers.  You see, I can't stand clutter, especially in the kitchen, and I completely and unapologetically blame it on my upbringing.  Our kitchen was in such a constant stand of crusted over upheaval and caked on disarray that one could scarcely find a place to place a water glass.  Wait, I lied.  We didn't have water glasses.  All of our drinking supplies were plastic.  We did not have a single glass item because they would unavoidably get broken, or so my mother thought.  We didn't even have glass plates or baking dishes.  But I digress.

So...whenever the clutter in our kitchen begins to get on my nerves (which, by the way, is rarely caused Amelia or me--usually it is Giancarlo and his mother) I just open up one or more of the three junk drawers and just slide it all in!  It gives me such a good feeling.  Out of sight, out of mind, you know.  However, every so often I tell myself that I will not succumb and I will just let the junk pile up and spread across the kitchen like a plague--but I get to a certain point where it starts to make my skull itch and my eyes twitch and I just HAVE to clear it away.

I'm certain your next question is, "What sort of items are there in the Show family's three kitchen junk drawers?  I'm dying to know."

Well, wonder no more, Jason Show viewers!

• loose packages of moist towelettes
• miscellaneous keys that we don't really belong to any lock
• loose paper clips
• Nerf gun bullets
• pasties
• coins
• a large selection of batteries in nearly every size, whether they work or not is unknown
• 2 jumpropes
• five different cell phone chargers, only one of which I know belongs to me
• 5 mini bouncy balls
• 11 mini bowling pins
• several loose screws
• twine that goes to the blinds that keep breaking
• 3 condom wrappers
• a menu to a a local Italian deli
• 4 Catholic mass bulletins
• one string of purple beads
• one tube of jock itch cream
• several receipts that really never needed to be kept in the first place
• 3 chopsticks
• 2 padlocks, with keys
• 2 dog leashes
• 2 studded S&M collars
• 5 rolls of scotch tape
• 1 lint roller
• 1 pair of fingernail clippers
• 6 stickers
• 2 napkin rings
• 4 coasters
• one telephone
• 2 dog muzzles
• buttless chaps
• one broken Beauty and the Beast pencil
• miscellaneous unrecognized little plasticky things that must have come from different toys or gadgets that have long since disappeared
• the little tiny baby Jesus from the rosca a few days back
• 2 loose ribbons
• 2 little bottles of bubbles, one from a birthday party, one from a baby shower
• 2 pairs of women's sunglasses that nobody claims
• 5 tubes of chapstick
• one empty bottle of Astroglide
• one mini package of Kleenex
• 3 empty keyrings
• 2 bottles of glitter glue
• 3 flashlights
• 5 taper candles
• one votive candle
• one can of Skoal

I've told you mine.  Now you tell me yours.

(The drawer depicted above is not one of my actual junk drawers.  I stole it from some other blogger who thought blogging about her junk drawer was an original idea.)

His Very Own Cardboard Urinal

My MIL received some flowers from my FIL for their anniversary.  Diego took the box they were delivered in and in all seriousness , cut a hole in the side, stood it on end, and pronounced that it was "a potty for him to go pee-pee in the night to put in his very own room."

We all laughed at this, telling him sorry, but he couldn't do that.  He was not amused.  He wasn't kidding.

"When will I EVER get to have my own toilet in my own room?  Don't tell me I have to wait until I'm a GROWN UP!"

Malignant Brain Tumor

Last Friday, one of my current students, Anali, was diagnosed with a large malignant brain tumor at the base of her skull.  The very next day she underwent surgery to remove it.  The surgeons were unable to remove all of it because it was intertwined with a bunch of nerves that control body movement.

Anali came out of the surgery okay, but her future is uncertain.  She will receive radiation or chemotherapy or both.

Anali had been complaining of headaches for several weeks, and doctors just brushed them off as normal "childhood growing pains".  Finally, after much insisting from her parents, they agreed to do a CAT scan, with no time to spare.

Anali is a sweet, easy going, hardworking girl, and her family is the same way.  I feel so sad for them and the emotional upheaval they are going through, and the battle they have ahead of them.

Sometimes, life just really blows.

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The Jason Show Recommends

Anya Marina

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Eat Your Soup.

Each week The Jason Show sends scouts out into the blogosphere, scouring blogs both well-known and yet-to-be-discovered for those single lines that are attention grabbers. Single sentences that resonate for their element of humor, touch of the bizarre, or ability to provoke thought are prestigiously linked to their author, in hopes that viewers of The Jason Show like you will be able to savor a serving of Single Sentence Soup just as our scouts have.

...who, it should be noted, is a 700 Club watching, Fox News fan, who think thats Barack Obama is, at best, ruining us, and at worst, the anti-Christ.)  

I pointed out how for the longest time I thought the Priest was saying the "Bread of Christ" - -  which, in my defense, it WAS bread. (I was like eight, I really didn't get the whole transubstantiation thing) -- and then the wholeBlood of Christ kinda freaked me out because you gotta admit that sounds pretty gross to actually drink (PLUS, I've always thought drinking out of the same cup along with 50 other people is unsanitary.  I'm not sure the Church actually offers an actual Sanitizer of Christ on that napkin they wipe the cup with after that one drooley guy who sat beside you takes a drink. 

You'd think it'd be awkward all getting leid at the same time but it was so late we were all okay with it.  

i eat you constantly... so much so that my kid probably thinks you're his father. 


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Q & A With Your Token Gay, Volume XXIII

Your question is important to us. Please stay on the line. Questions will be answered in the order in which they were received.


Maureen at Island Road asks:

Wait a minute!  Several generations of polygamy?  What have I missed?

and Michel asks:

Wait.  Polygamy?  Where was I and how did I miss that?

and MOM#1 says:

Hey, I must have missed out on the polygamy post.  I NEED to hear that story.

It is no secret that one of the practices in early Mormonism was polygamy.  Male members of the church were sometimes encouraged to take more than one wife; this happened for a couple of main reasons.  First and foremost, it was considered to be a higher law, and necessary to achieving the highest level of glory in heaven.  Second, it became a practice out of necessity.  In Mormonism at that time, there were many more women than men, and they needed to be taken care of, as well as be married in order to achieve that highest level of glory.


The second prophet of the LDS church was Brigham Young.  He had many wives and about 50 children.  His brother, Phineas Young, was also a polygamist.  I am his great, great, great, great grandchild.


Polygamy in mainstream Mormonism was disbanned and forbidden by the church around the time that Utah was admitted into the union of the United States.  Church doctrine teaches that this was done because God was ready for polygamy to be over, although it is believed that sometime in the future it will be reinstated, and it will be the way things are done in the afterlife.  There are those that believe that polygamy actually came to an end because Utah wanted to become a state and there was no way the US government was going to allow it if polygamy was a common and legal practice there.  

It is worth mentioning that those who do continue to practice polygamy are not sanctioned by the LDS church.


So there you have it.  I'm a gay ex-Mormon of pioneer, polygamous stock.


(By the way, I'm waiting for Dan Brown to write a book all about the fascinating history of the Mormon church.)




Jenalyn asks:
I have two questions in regard to "How my young daughter pulled down my pants while waiting in line at Target."
1-How have I not heard this story before?
2-What was your reaction?


One day when Amelia was about three or four, she and I were waiting in line to return something at the customer service desk in our local Target.  It was summer, and I was wearing some baggy shorts with an elastic waistband.  Amelia was getting impatient and squirmy.  She was pulling on my arms and shorts and WHAM!  My shorts were around my ankles.
"Amelia!!" I barked, dropping my bag to the floor and scrambling to pull up my drawers.  Fortunately, I was wearing a longish t-shirt which managed to cover the greater part of my goods, and fortunately, it was an underwear day.
Then I laughed about it.  And laughed some more.  And I'm still laughing about it fourteen years later.




Hula Hank (who else?) asks:
Which was better, the Sears or JCPenny catalogue?


It didn't really matter.  As long as it had an underwear section with attractive men clad in nothing but underwear, I was good.  Still am good with this.

Your question is important to us. Please stay on the line. Questions will be answered in the order in which they were received.
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Release and Replace

Last year instead of making New Year's resolutions, I chose a focus word to guide me, as I stated in this post:

"I've seen this idea of having a focus word for the year rather than New Year's resolutions in different places in my blog travels, but the first place I saw it was, that's right---The Zen in You. Caroline referenced a blog written by singer Christine Kane

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I chose the word RELEASE.

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I have come to realize that there are certain things in my mind that I need to let go of in order to move forward in my own personal, psychological, emotional, and spiritual development. These things are getting in the way. I have pinpointed some of them and still want to figure out what the others are.

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Throughout the year as those things pop up in my mind that take me to a negative place, it is my goal to RELEASE them because they're taking up my energy and time, keeping me pinned to the endless wheel in motion that is needless negative thought."

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The past couple of weeks I have been mulling over which new word to choose for this year.  Ironically, I've been experiencing some of the same negative feelings during this time that prompted me to choose the word "release" in the first place.  Most of them have to do with a particular home issue, which shall not be named, that kicks my butt over and over and over again.  (Many loyal viewers will know exactly what I'm talking about.  I'm so transparent.)

Rather than stick with just the same word, I have decided to add one word to it.  That word is replace.

Release and replace.

This year I will release those negative, counter-productive thoughts, and replace them with positive ones. 

Last year, release honestly helped me get through many situations in a more positive way.  I'm hoping that replace will take me to the next level.

I give you permission to remind me about this as the year goes by.  Unless of course it interferes with my blog mojo, in which case you better keep your trap shut.  

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Rubbing It In

This episode of The Jason Show was recorded on January 2nd before a live studio audience.

Around here, the only way you can tell that it is winter is that the leaves have fallen off some of the trees, and the turtles are not as visible.

This is the point where I removed my jacket. I was wearing shorts.

You can actually see the rays of sunshine.

You can actually see the rays of sunshine. Wait.  I said that already, didn’t I?

The long, hot summers here are oh so completely worth it.

This is where I stopped in my tracks and recalled the time during my last winter in Logan, Utah.  I stood in the 4 degree darkness on a huge pile of snow that I had to climb over so I could plug in my car in order for it to start the next morning, and shouted “GET ME OUTTA HERE!”

Oh, looky.  Here’s a reminder or two that Christmas really was just a few days ago.

Is that a snow plow I hear?  No, silly, it’s just a street sweeper.

Ducks in the pond quack a happy song.

Is that rain?  Not even.  It’s the sprinklers.

Diego dressed himself today.

 
 

My cap says “Norwegian Dream.”  I’m not Norwegian, but some say I’m  dreamy!
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Ten in Ten

Ten Things Viewers Like You May or May Not Know About the Last Ten Seasons of The Jason Show

--We only moved twice in the last ten years.  During the previous decade we/I moved thirteen times.  THIRTEEN!  Someone has become a bit more stable, perhaps?

---I had laser hair removal on my back.

--We took the vacation of a lifetime in 2002.  Giancarlo and I hauled my little brother (18), our two daughters (14 and 10) and nine large suitcases across the continent of Europe on trains, planes, automobiles, and a ship.  We were gone for a month.  It was fantastic, but I have never been happier to be home.  After about the fiftieth museum we had all lost our senses of humor and had the biggest family fight EVER running through the streets of Venice.

--I spent the better part of a month dealing with a loved one who was admitted to two different psychiatric wards after bizarre and terrifying behavior, including suicide threats and self mutilation.  Nightmare.

--We bought a brand new house and watched the building process from the dirt up.  It was my dream home. We poured countless amounts of time, money, and energy into it, and brought it to near perfection.   Then after five years, we sold it for a 250% profit.

--After selling our house and my in-laws sold their house, we bought a bigger house on Wisteria Lane together since they only spent about half of the year here and the other half their house sat empty.

--Giancarlo and I adopted a brand new baby boy and he has kept us running since that very first day!

--Our two old doggies died and we adopted two new ones.

--Both of our daughters got their driver's licenses.

--We became grandfathers!
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