Dear fifteen year old Jason,
It has been quite an eventful couple of years, hasn't it? Your social life has gotten so much better, but with that your best friend has moved away, and let me just tell you right now that those intense, inexplicable, obsessed feelings you have about him are a whole lot more than friendship. You're in love with him, and I know that it is killing you to have him gone and it is killing you even more to try to understand why you think about him every single moment of the day.
Not only that, but when he comes to visit, why do you think you can't eat anything and if you do you throw it up? I'll save you some time and confusion. Soon you'll beg your parents to get some professional help because you're losing weight and you can't function this way and you're starting to fear for your own health and well being. You throw up every time you're around him because you ARE in love with him (Yes. Newsflash! You're gay!) and at the same time your religious devotions are telling you that it is so, so wrong, The Sin Next to Murder wrong, and all of this confusion and conflict is manifesting itself in this way.
So what do you do about this? Accept your feelings about him. Of course, you won't do anything about it at this point in your life, but just accept it for what it is. It is okay. Try to understand it. Don't try to correlate those feelings and your religious beliefs. Just let them be for now. And move on with people around you, make those new friendships, and don't be afraid. Everything will be just fine.
Sincerely,
An older and wiser You
Sincerely,
An older and wiser You
25 comments:
sometimes i imagine going back to a time before any of my issues happened with the knowledge i have now. and i wonder if my new knowledge would help me to make a different choice. fifteen is the age i would have to go back to if i was to hit it right before the hickey the minister's son gave me, moving to a new town, losing my virginity with a boy, and my first girl crush.
glad you are older and wiser. thanks for all the hindsight because when it gets tough around here i think about you talking about how much better things are now than they were just a few years ago. it helps to know.
It sure would be nice if those notes could work and if our younger selves would even listen.
Then again, who knows who we'd be if we didn't have to learn through all the heartbreak and agony and experiences.
Either way, you're awesome. :)
I want to write a letter to my 15-year-old self but it would be much more hysterical than yours....and wordy. I'm pretty sure I would frighten myself. So nevermind. I would like to go back and hug your 15-year-old self, though.
That's the one good thing about getting older...usually you get wiser too. (Although I know a few people who skipped the wiser part.)
Hugs!
I've read a lot of these type of posts in the blogosphere lately and I LOVE them. I can't even tell you how much. I suppose I might eventually write one too, but it's almost too emotion-packed for me to deal with.
Sigh!
LOVED this!
That Jason is lucky to have someone like Jason looking out for him!
I really want to bake the 15 year old you a plate of cookies and let you talk, talk, talk.
It was hard enough being 15 without having to feel like I was sinning (and not even *meaning* to). I can't imagine what you went, through, Jason!
well, frankly, I am glad to know the adult you, but the young you had a lot to figure out and understand, mostly paddling upstream without the paddle!
That damn Church of ours caused more grief than peace. I am glad to know that the fifteen year old you did hang in there and did turn out okay. I wish I had known you back then too. I would have just had that good long talk with you and told you were GAY and then you wouldn't have to worry about it any longer. I am nice like that.
A letter to the 15 year-old me would encourage me to get to know Jason S. from school much better. Someday he'll have an amazing blog, with an equally amazing story, that will give me some insight on raising my possibly gay son. You're doing a great thing here, and it's helped me more than you know, particularly your letters to your younger self. Thank you for sharing so much of your life.
Dear Jason,
Thank you for your kindness and compassion to the younger you -and to all who might be like him. It's a great gift. Have you ever thought of compiling these letters into a book? They seem as if they could be a HUGE help to a young person. xoxo
This is a wonderful letter, Jason. I, too, wish I had been able to accept and love my whole self back then.
But that might have short-circuited the journey. I wonder what our 70 year-old selves would tell our today selves?
I don't think 15 year-old-me could really cope with what I have to tell her. Things were bad enough. I don't think she wanted to know how much worse they were going to get! But I'd definitely tell 17 year-old me that the pain would stop being the center of her world. And I'd tell her to tell that grief counselor that she wanted to go on the pills. And I'd tell her to stay on the freaking pills forever.
And 18 year-old me. I'd tell her not to go to college quite yet. She'd definitely appreciate that advice.
Thanks for this.
My mother used to say that youth is wasted on the young and I never could figure out what the hell that meant.
Until a few years ago. God, hindsight is so clear, isn't it?
I do enjoy your letters to the younger self. It would be wonderful to send those messages. Glad you're older and wiser.
I would have to tell my 15 year old self that I am not as funny as I think I am.
Poor 15 year old you.
I'm reading this and hoping some other fifteen year old is reading it...and a light bulb is going off. Here's hoping you're making some teens life easier...
If only there were a time travel device where your 15 yr old self could read this. Sounds like he needed a big hug and a mentor.
And oh, if I could tell my 15 yr old self something it would be, "no, this boy will not be the love of your life and he won't live up to all that he promises in fact he'll break your heart so let go and move on and take advantage of all the other boys." But .. would I listen to older me or would I think she doesn't know what she's talking about?
What a great idea. A letter to oneself years later. I think I shall try that one day.
What a loving touching letter to Little Jason. It's too bad there wasn't something there FOR REAL to say these things to you back then, but look how far you've come. Look how GREAT you're doing!
Wow. I could totally go off on the whole religion thing right now but I won't. Even though I want to really really bad.
I just want to go and give your 15 year old self a big hug!!!
OH! I like that clock in the picture.
OK, I read the letter now - pretty cool.
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