One of the most painful parts of being a parent is having to watch your child make bad decisions. We all make bad decisions from time to time; hopefully we learn from them. What do you do when your children continually make bad decisions? What do you do when your child seems to make more, way more, than their share of bad choices, and they're not just sort of bad decisions, but they are decisions that are colossally bad? What do you do when your child has, since about the age of 13, made decisions that have made it seem like they're hell bent on their own destruction? What do you do when your own son or daughter has made decisions that have sent deep, painful repercussions reverberating through the core of each and every other person in the family? And all you want, all any of you want, is for your child to be happy, or at least on a road that will eventually lead to happiness. But when they make choice after choice after choice that you have accurately predicted would lead only to frustration, misery, and dead ends, then how do you react? How do you react when your child does not ever seem to learn from his or her mistakes, despite the misery that these choices have caused?
And now, this weekend, as I sit here, a child that I diapered and fed and bathed and taught to ride a bike is in the midst of making yet another decision of large proportions that most likely will lead to heartbreak, anger, frustration, and loss.
When does a parent draw the line, especially when a son or daughter has become an adult? How do you help when they have their own lives, responsible for themselves? What do you do when you have been there for your kids when they needed you, when you have helped them through countless, unspeakably rough times? Dreadful times. Times that have left scars on you soul. What do you do when your child embarks on another series of decisions? When do you just stand up and say, "No! We will not support you in this in any way. Your last bad decision of this sort nearly shattered the whole family into a billion tiny pieces. We will not take part of this at all!?"
What would a good parent do? What about unconditional love? Are you loving unconditionally if you reject their bad decisions and in the process push them away so far that they may never return?
50 comments:
I a such a ditz. It's on there now. Sorry. What a ditz.
Oh, Jason. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I cannot tell you from a parenting perspective, but I can tell you from having seen it in my sister.
I think you have to put yourself and your other kids first. You cannot make an adult do anything. You also cannot let your own life be constantly buffeted by the bad decisions of your adult child.
Some people have to learn the hard way--and, sadly, some people never do learn.
I think you can still love your children unconditionally, but let them know that you will not be riding the rollercoaster of bad decisions with them, but will be available if and when they are ready to change their lives.
Your fear is real--the child may not return. This is every parent's nightmare, but it is worse for the whole family if you let that fear prevent you from taking the stand that is right for you and the other family members.
I will hope that somehow this turns out alright.
Saying I don't support this decision isn't the same as saying I don't support YOU... you can still love a person and let that person know that you do.
And because you love, it's still okay to say you think they're making a really stupid choice.
Beyond that... once a kid reaches, oh, 12? You're only nominally in charge anyway.
((Hugs))
First of all...((((Jason)))))
Second of all, YES I do know what it is like to love a child and have them make the kinds of choices that are so selfish and thoughtless and harmfull, not to just themselves but everyone around them. I know the pain of a parent watching such madness. I know the pain of having that child "hate" me becuase I stood up to them in the face and wouldn't give in to their attempts to make themselves the "victim" and me the bad guy for not enabling them. I know the pain and all that a parent risks in doing so.
My answer as to what a parent is to do is...to keep on loving them unconditionally. Unconditional love does not mean you stand by and do nothing. It does not mean that you make excuses for them as to why they are acting this way. It does not mean you support their choices. Sometimes unconditional love means "Tough Love"...it means you stand up to them and may even have to act against them...it means you say "No"...it means you may have to watch them fall flat on their faces and do NOTHING...it may mean you have to stop being their crutch and enabling them. It means you stop letting them play the victim role with you and putting the responsibility back on them.
There comes a point where we parents have to say "enough is enough".."I can't participate in your wrong decisions anymore." We have to let go...we have to recognize what is theirs and what is ours and draw the line. This does not mean we don't love them.
The bottom line is that it takes a lot of love to stand up to our children. It takes a lot of love to say No to the madness they are creating.
I hope and pray that you have people surrounding you that back you up and will stand beside you in this. I know how much you love your children Jason and so it breaks my heart that this is happening. I pray that a strength that surrpasses all understanding fills you up.
Please know I am here for you...if you need to vent or someone that understands, I am here. Sending you love and hugs my friend. XX Lori
jason, i ditto everything your friends above me said. i couldnt of said it any better. it is good advice.
parenting is the hardet but most important job we can ever have. it doesnt always turn out how we want it to. but you can control 2 things... loving them unconditionally AND hoe you react to what they do. let him or her KNOW you love them but do not approve of their decision.
its hard. it hurts. but its all you can do honey.
c
I think you answered your own question as hard as it may be to do. You can still love them unconditionally and support THEM and not what they are doing. Tell them exactly what you told us and that as long as they are adversely affecting the rest of the family you can't support their decision or behavior but no matter what you still love THEM.
I pray this all works out for you. {{{{Jason}}}}
I will pray. I can feel your pain and I am so sorry for this stress.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone
When? Now. You are at your breaking point, I think.
Unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional support.
Being a soft place to fall doesn't mean being a pushover or doormat.
Sometimes, saying enough is enough is what it takes.
I think that saying "You have a choice to make. You can do this choice, we will support and help you. If you choose to do that, we will not be here to support you. When you do choose this, we will be ready to help you and support you again."
You can still love someone unconditionally without enabling them to continue making the same choices. It is so hard as parents to know when you are supporting someone, or helping them not experience their own natural consequences for their own actions.For instance, I am an alcohol and drug counselor. When a parent bails their adult child out of jail, pays for them to go to treatment, pays for their fines, who is getting the consequence? The parents. I believe most people won't change until their current situation becomes too uncomfortable to stay in it. When we as parents make it so that doesn't happen, will they be able to make the changes? I don't know if this has any bearing on your situation or not...I just know that being a parent is a TOUGH job and we are constantly wondering what the RIGHT thing is to do. Good luck.
When you say your child is about to make a decision that will probably turn out to be a mistake, is the mistake one that the child will have consequences for? Just by nature of the mistake? Or are you as a parent not agreeing with a decision your adult child is making? Is this decision a topic open to discussion with the whole family or a decision to be made by the adult child alone? Too many questions still.
You are still being a good parent if you reject their plans. You know better than your children...and you have seen the failure/pattern.
Go with your gut.
hugs,
Suz
I feel for you Jason. I plan on my boys staying at ages 4 and 8 forever. We will not be celebrating any birthdays. No more growing up! I don't want them to have to make choices.
My heart aches for you and your family. My estranged husband destroyed our family as we knew it, and continues to be hell-bent on destroying himself. That was (and actually still is) painful - can't imagine watching a child self-destruct.
I DO know, from watching my estranged husband and his parent, that it is NOT loving to enable or facilitate or disregard a person's choices and behavior that destroy their lives or the lives of those around them.
Love and prayers to you...
All wonderful advice Jason! The thing I did when this happen here, was I took the advice of my SIL. I wrote the son a letter explaining my feelings/point of view and how his decisions affected me and the family. Some might say this was a cop out that I should have spoken these words to him. But I couldn't. Everytime I talked with him, I would get mad, he would get mad, I would swear, he would swear, I would want to hit him, hit him hard and I'm sure he wanted to do the same. There were even times I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him. The letter was very theraputic for both of us and open a new door of communication between us. The problems were still there but at least we were talking more about it. Greatfully, he did a turn around two years later. He's now 24 years old, still living at home, going back to college to get his degree. Our line of communication, once broken by this is now stronger than ever.
I hope and pray that you find what works for you and your family.
Oh and by the way, send me your mailing address please so that I can send you your prize!
Oh, Jason, my heart aches for you. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. I don't have much to add to what everyone else has already said. All you can do is love your child. You don't have to agree with or support the choices she makes, but you love her nonetheless.
Sending you love, prayers and positive thoughts.
I will send my good thoughts your way. This must be devastating. I can't even imagine....
What's going on??? Email me, cause you know I will worry.
Oh Jason...sorry to hear this. I wish I could offer some advice. But you gotta just keep loving your child...and being there with open arms when they need you. Wishing you much peace. xoxo
Sometimes you need to practise tough love. They will make their own mistakes, you cant protect them from that, its the only way they learn life's lessons.
Stand back, and watch them fly...if they fall you will be there the pick up the pieces. Thats where the unconditional love comes in.
oh {{{jason}}}.
i'm sitting over here, wishing i could reach across the table and just take hold of your hand...i can't offer much more than that.
i hope it all works out...so many people here have offered wonderful words of support and advice. read them all, but...like someone said, you know in your gut what it is that you have to do. parenting is hard...why didn't we see this when we looked at our own parents? or maybe we saw it but just didn't realize the depth it could go.
my thoughts...with you always.
I don't know. I can only give advice to people with kids 10 years old and under. But if I had to, I would say, "put her on the Naughty Stool for a time-out". That's the best I can do, for now.
Your Friend, m.
Yuck. I don't have any advice. I only know you are a good man and a great father. Don't beat yourself up.
My family recently went through some horrible crap with my own mentally unstable (and on drugs) brother. He's off his rocker, in general, and always was, so he and I are not close (plus, he's 6 years older than me). All these years I've watched him screw up, and my parents just enable, enable, enable. It made me insane (so to speak), but now, as a parent, I get WHY. However, they weren't doing him any favors, and finally he screwed up so badly that they've basically disowned him. He's freaking in his 40's, and still screwing up left and right. Maybe, had they stepped out years ago, he might've gotten the real help he needed, but wondering serves no purpose.
I really don't have any advice, but know you aren't the only person who's dealing with this pain. I hope you figure something out.
xoxo
I'm with Katrine, you are a good father....period!
You and your family are in my prayers...because prayer is powerful.
((((hugs))))
To love a child but not their choices is fair, and ultimately a kindness to you and the rest of your family, especially your children.
You are loving and compassionate, Jason, and I am glad you have a supportive spouse and extended family. Thinking of you all and send my best.
Blessings ((((HUGS))))
Lovey. I don't know. I've seen parental support mend MAJOR calamities, and then I've seen it enable the worst in other people who think they are both invincible and impervious to responsibility.
I DO know that your LOVE is always going to be important to your children. But don't forget that your ETHICS are (long term) as well. I think (~think~) that you can be a loving, caring rock, believing in good, showing compassion, showing humility, and STILL drawing your loving, compassionate line in the sand that you cannot enable or in any tangible way go beyond that line.
I'm sorry that your heart will probably get some new fissures in the process. Stay strong. Your community loves you and knows what a wonderful, empathetic, caring person you are. Hopefully your child does, REALLY does as well. Even while they make choices that don't demonstrate so...
While I don't know you personally I've read much of your blog. I really think that just being supportive is all you can do. You love your child, but you don't love what he/she is doing.
Tough love is all well and good until it's your own kid that you have to be "tough" with.
I am thinking of you and sending my (virtual) support!
I have to second the 'you are a good father' and also add that you are very caring and compassionate.
It is so sad that we control our kid's worlds completely for so long and then not at all. I trust that you will make the right decisions.
Two books that have helped me with similar situations:
Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson This book has religious leanings but it is VERY helpful for setting healthy boundaries WITH LOVE.
The Dance of Anger...not sure the author. This one is not religious at all but speaks to breaking the cycles in our relationships.
You are an awesome person...AND, the only person you can change. Remembering that may keep you sane.
I think every situation is different but it boils down the fact that a parent's love is unconditional. However, that doesn't mean you have to agree with or support something your child is doing or wants to do. You have a right to your own opinion and the right to tell your child the concerns that are playing on your mind and, if tough love is needed, then so be it. You are a good parent, Jason, and I'm sure your gut instincts will lead you right.
I had a situation with one of my sons when he turned 16 but I stood my ground because I knew in my heart he was making a mistake with his life. I played tough love and, in two months, he was back home....and now I can't get rid of him. j/k
(((Jason)))
You know the answer....unconditional love includes boundaries...setting limits is done out of love and care.
As for her not coming back....when she is ready to do what is right, she will absolutely rush right back to those that SHE KNOWS love and care for her!!
Be kind to yourself, pray for her.
Ill pray for you all as I know these types of times are heart wrenching.
I currently have a daughter who has in recent years put us in this very same dilemma. The point finally came to where the best we could do was to insulate ourselves from her chronically poor decision making and make it so she was the only one who would suffer. Oh yeah, and we ended up taking in her child as well, who we're now raising as our own. I believe in unconditional love, but it can be a real bitch, especially when you're not feeling the love. All we can do is keep her from hurting our grandson and us with her shenanigans.
Jason, I'm so sorry to hear this. It's hard, but you sometimes have to protect one child from another. I'm not a parent, but I am a daughter.
Hugs Jason! Everything that I had to say has been said. (what a great bunch of people you associate with!!)
My thoughts will be with you and the rest of your family.
Hi Jason, I haven't taken the time to read the 33 comments that have been left so I maybe repeating what has been said, but you have stated one of the most difficult things about being the parent of an adult child. Unconditional love doesn't mean you love the decisions; only that you love the PERSON unconditionally. You can love the person but hate the decisions they make and it is okay to say NO I will not allow your decisions to shatter this family. I love you, I always will. But I do not approve of the decision you are making. Without knowing details, that's the best I can offer. You have the right to protect your own peace of mind while still loving your adult child. Easier said than done, I know. You are in my thoughts as you wrestle with this difficult situation.
I'm so sorry my friend.... sending you a cross country hug... I hope you can feel it.
I will echo the sentiments of most of the above comments... Unconditional Love, coupled with Strong Boundaries, coupled with Prayer. That is what I do. You love your kids and you do your absolute best for them, but in the end, you're their parent, not their BFF... and you have to keep those boundaries strong. (Even though it SUCKS....)
Stay firm.
A good friend of mine recently went through a "saga" with her son over this... long story short, when she finally said "NO MORE" he wound up in jail where he stayed for 6 weeks... fast forward to now, one year later, he has totally turned his life around. A complete 180. He had to reach his bottom (as they say in 12 step programs) before he was willing to seek out help on his own terms.
Hopefully you're nowhere near that situation, but the point is you must draw your line in the sand.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
I wish I knew what to tell you to do, but I don't. I can just send you hugs. Lots of hugs to you.
I can't say much about parenting. I do agree with everyone's thoughts at the top.
Have a good day...:)
Oh no! Jason this is so difficult! I'm sending you hugs and good thoughts your way. I'm no parent but I think the only thing you can do is love her and offer your advice but the ultimate decision is hers and you probably can't change that. Sometimes you do have to let a child "go" in order for them to get better and come back. At least that's what I learned with my brother. Of course he was an alcoholic, a totally different situation, but it may be the only thing you can do in your situation.
I'm so sorry you are going through this! I don't know what the situation is but I hope with all my heart that everything turns out ok!
Loves!
Jason,
I am walking down your road right now in regards to children making "bad decisions." Love unconditionally, but sometimes you have to make that stand, regardless of what might happen. Give me a call sometimes. We share a common road.
The above comments are all so relevant and well said.
My youngest son almost graduated from the University of Michigan with a degree in bio-chemistry. His behavior was so outrageous and self destructive. My husband and I were so baffled. We were enablers and I believe if we had taken a stand earlier maybe we could have prevented him from experiencing a psychotic break, maybe not. As it turns out he is bipolar. He is still struggling but is on medication and is not as out of control as he was. I still mourn what might have been.
That's a toughie, but would be so much more painful if they weren't here at all, wouldn't it? I'm a fan of blatant unconditional love, but that in no way precludes me instituting tough love measures on kids/adults like that. Consequences always have a place, whether you're an adult or a child. Not allowing them to face consequences is not helping them, and to help them, sometimes we must do things we wish we didn't have to, things that might make things tougher for them. But they have to learn the boundaries of what's acceptable behavior and what's not, and that their actions affect other people as well, and they need to answer for that. By showing them where the boundaries are and the consequences they can avoid if they make good decisions, we teach them how to be responsible adults. And isn't that our ultimate goal with children anyway?
Love 'em madly, don't let 'em get away with treating you/others badly.
So many have commented before me with excellent advice. Just here to lend a hug and reinforce what you already know. Just be there to pick up the pieces and offer love and a place to come back to when things don't work out. someone earlier commented that not supporting the choice but still supporting the child are two different things. Let your child know that you don't support the decision, that you think it will lead to disaster, but that you always love them and support them.
Sending YOU love and hugs Jason. It seems we are both faced with turmoil this week - and pretty big decisions.
With love and hugs,
Cindy
I don't know any of the answers - I wish I did know. I am guessing that every single family has a member (or more than one) who you have accurately described. As my dear friend (and pediatrician to MANY) used to say, "All families are dysfunctional. ALL FAMILIES."
I am praying for your family. May wisdom, love, comfort, peace and openness allow each person to listen, hear and find what he/she needs in each moment. May the Love of God be felt, and be lived. Amen.
Jason,
I feel your pain......
I too have one of those children.
Best thing I ever did was to send her on her way, with my grandson which broke my heart. Toughest decision I ever had to make but one I will never regret.
A loved one like that infects an entire family and I put an end to it. Doesnt mean I love her any less.
Stand tall, you are a wonderful man and hopefully they will find their way,
peace
sista #2
There are already so many good thoughts and advice...all I can really do is empathize. While she is not my daughter, I have this ongoing debate in my head over my eldest niece- she is only 9 years younger than me and just like a sister. Every time a crisis comes about in her life, I question how to support her without simultaneously giving approval--and without being completely overtaken by the crisis. I have my own family to look after..and she just saps my energy sometimes. I guess you just do the very best you can & make the best decisions that you can. Someone mentioned above, you can't make an adult do something and some people only learn the hard way (multiple times). There is no easy answer but from reading this blog, I know you are a fantastic dad. Above all, trust your gut!
I'm sorry you're suffering this. Powerless just sucks! I guess what might be helpful is to fast forward ten years (or even five) and then look back. Will you regret doing (or not doing) something? You just don't want to have regrets, if you can help it. Hopefully, that will help. My heart goes out to you.
Oh, goodness. What's going on? You've been put to the test in the last couple of years, your family has been forced to deal with a lot of things. I don't know what this could be, but I am able to imagine.
I hope this turns out right. Be strong for your child - and I know you will do the right thing.
Just know that your friends believe in you.
Jason! I came across you by chance, in a desperate attempt to google ANY phrases I could think of to help me find SOME kind of guidance with the situation my son is currently in.
Unfortunately, is IS only 14 - There's a LOT of back history that I'd rather not post in such a public form QUITE yet (though I do want to eventually, when I have all the answers. heh) but I would LOVE the chance to speak with you if possible.
He's going to walk in the door in 10 minutes, and I have NO idea what to say to him. I've just been writing down all the feelings that I've had today since my 8am phone call from the Deputy Sheriff that works at the school called me. If you don't have the time or energy, I completely understand and respect that too! I'm subscribed regardless, and will check back in hopes you'd like my contact information, or I can get yours.
Warm wishes,
Jessica - The UNHINGED Mother.
@Jessica: I would be happy to communicate via email. You may email me at thejasonshow@gmail.com.
I am so sorry to hear about your difficulties with your son. I completely understand the desperation that you must be feeling.
I look forward to hearing from you.
All the comments about not supporting a child while he or she slides down the slippery slope of self-destruction makes great sense. Our family has been devastated by the choices of an adult daughter/sister. We were enablers; wanting to help, give advise and listen, listen, listen to her cries of despair and giving comfort and offering solutions to ease her pain. We were new at this and did not know. We thought we could help. The manic depressive diagnosis was a wake up call to us but not to her. "I am ok, and don't need medication," was her mantra and now today, she has made decisions that are against everything our family holds sacred. We love her always, but now that we know we can't help and should our position be to still listen and not comment or stop her from telling us all these awful things she's done? We fear that if shut her out by removing ourselves emotionally that she will fall into the abyss of depression and not come out ...or worse! Those thoughts are always in the back of our minds so we reach out and offer comfort. Should we think like this...? Has anyone ever had to deal with an emotionally unstable person who is so far gone that we think they will cause themselves harm? How do we deal with this? - Ann, TEXAS
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