I think I am about to start my man-period. For no particular reason, I'm fighting the Crabby McCrabsters, and keep having thoughts of, "I just want to be alone," or "Don't talk to me," or "Will you just shut UP?" or "I'm so tired of being responsible."
Wouldn't it be fun to just not be responsible for a little while?
Everyone in SoCal is talking about it, so I will too. The earthquake yesterday was different from any other I've felt. It was slow and swaying, like standing on a cruise ship in mildly wavy waters. I was standing next to the counter and actually grabbed it to keep my balance. The water was sloshing out of the pool and the light fixtures were swinging, but nothing else really happened. And, if you're in the mood to read about an earthquake that scared the bejebus out of me and made me scream like a lady, you may do so here.
My six-year-old son is not good at playing independently. He must always have someone with him, someone to entertain him. I encourage him to do things by himself sometimes, but he just stands there looking lost. I owe this mostly to the fact that he has been taken care of one-on-one for most of his life by our nanny, Ines. She has done a very good job with him, but she has also had a very hard time letting him play alone. Any ideas on how to help him play successfully alone? Do any of your kids have this problem? It is so beyond me and my mentality because sometimes it seems that I would rather do anything/everything alone these days. Being able to self-entertain is so important to me. How did I get a son who just cannot do it?
Incidentally, my MIL is just like this. She needs to always have someone to entertain her (or to talk at) and is at a complete loss when she finds herself alone. Are any of you like that?
I think I have cramps.
31 comments:
I thrive on alone time. I really need it to regroup sometimes. Maybe you should lock yourself in a closet or bedroom for awhile and refuse to come out. Then everyone has to learn to play without you and you get the down time you need too!
There are children in my program who say things like "I'm bored."
And I have provided them an amazing assortment of things to do.
So I gently inform them that I am not there to entertain them, but there are many things there to entertain them, but they'll have to go look for them.
I think that's key.. provide a stimulating environment and back off.
You'll hear that he's bored. Or see it.
And then you need to back off some more.
YMMV, of course.
(but you asked.)
:)
Is there such a thing as man Midol?
Mandol?
How old is Diego? This is coming from an untrained (but experienced) mom, but whenever my kids say they are bored, I always start assigning chores. Actually, it was the only way I could get my son to read a book...
And ya, you do sound a little grouchy. Everybody gets like that, don't beat yourself up over it (you tend to do that), just indulge for a little while then get back to life... :-)
There's always Midol and a hot water bottle...
As to the playing alone... my kids were happy with an audience. So there I was, with a book, mhming and being just enough present to know what they were talking about.
Those extroverts... can't stop them.
I seriously would have to trade that kid in for a new one. Okay, maybe not, but I know what you mean. Half my parenting was like, "Mommy would love to be in this room with you, reading her book/watching Oprah, while you play action figures over in the corner." At least, that's how I remember it.
Believe me, you already know from your daughter that he'll grow out of it and you'll long for these days. Right???? Isn't that what they say?
hey bubba,
i can only speak for myself but i do also love my alone time. however, when i was little, i was so lonely i could cry and so being alone meant more like abandonment to me. i never knew that as a kid tho, but i do now [after therapy lol]... my heart tugged when you said he looks lost. my 2 oldest kids are adopted and sometimes no matter what you do or how good a parent you are, some kids dont have the ability to bond and then individuate properly. it's in the genes, sometimes its just because they have an inner fear of being abandoned again. and your son may not even know he feels this way. my oldest son was fine but my daughter has this and needed therapy to help build her self worth that yes she is lovable and needed many reminders that she not only has me, but more importantly, she has herself.
it's painful and bleak for them to be alone. you can encourage self play but unless he is ready for that emotionally, [which doesnt sound like he is] it wont help him inside. it will just reinforce that he is not lovable... even tho he doesnt have the words to explain it,
you are seeing encouraging self play as promoting his self sufficiency because you think he is needy... .. but he is prolly perceiving it as further proving he is perhaps unlovable, or unwanted... or unworthy.
its hard to be a parent.. but you are a great dad... and this doesnt reflect on you, it is something within your son that he came with and it might be worth looking into.
ever hear of the book "drama of the gifted child" by alice miller?
it helped me understand this.
lemme know how it turns out...
sorry if i rambled on too much, its just that i recognize that "lost look" and not being ok with being alone or playing independently.
hugs..
c
I just realized who you kind of remind me of! The gay brother on Brothers and Sisters! You have a similar look to that guy, it has nothing to do with the fact he is a gay character...and I think he is very sexy :)
This has nothing to do with your post!
Let him be a little bored, he'll figure it out....it also comes with age. There will be a time when he'll want nothing but to be alone.
I loved Anne Lamott's way of calling her son's playpen time "office hours." Of course, your son is WAY too big for a playpen, but maybe time playing alone, using his imagination, art supplies, puzzles, a tape recorder or story blocks could be called office hours for him? Would it help if there was music playing in the background for him?
Maybe you've thought of all of this. You probably know 100 times more than I do about child development, since you're a teacher! I was an art major, for crying out loud - you know we play alone!
Are you craving chocolate too and feel bloated. Glad the earthquake was minor yet scary. I have an only child and even know she is a teen still wants to be around us and entertained. If I hear what are we going to do today one more time!
I was a complete loner at times even as a kid, so when MY kid is up my ass and can't find anything to do, it makes me INSANE. (Still quite a loner, obviously!)
Anyway, what are some of the things he likes to do? Color? Get him a lot of coloring books and crayons and put them in a basket, or if it's cars, then cars and some small ramp things, or just a complete craft things...
OMG who the eff AM I?!!
I have ideas, but they all come down to letting him know something is just for him to play with, like, for a "rainy day", and otherwise, he's not to touch it.
He'll be all over it.
Only you have to explain to him what it's for - for him to use on his OWN, and that it's ONLY for him.
I cannot express myself eloquently today at all.
Go have some chocolate. :)
I love alone time and definitely go through periods of where my other half annoys me just by opening his mouth. Terrible!
How about looking into alone games where someone can't play? A handheld video game? Maybe if he likes it you can use that as a reference? "Go play with the toy yourself like you do with the "handheld video game"".
I dunno, I don't have kids so what advice could I give?
I'm very fortunate because all 3 of my kids are independent and have always been able to entertain themselves. Two of my sister's 4 kids, though, have to have someone around them all the time and it drives her crazy - after 25 years, she still hasn't found a way to deal with it, so I'm afraid I can't offer any advice.
I have cramps, too. And a cold. Yippee.
Jason, this is just between you and me, your audience and whoever has access to the Internet, okay? I've actually hid in a closet to escape from my oldest son. It wasn't the same one that I grew up in but it hid me just the same. I can give you no advice dear friend. I'm still going through it. In fact, I'm in the closet now, typing. Wait! Oh my God! I think he sees me. Gotta go. Nooooo!!!
My oldest child wasn't very good at entertaining himself. But he was in day care all day while I was at work and there was always someone to play with or interact with. He could (and would!) entertain himself for hours in the sandbox with his tonka trucks.
With my girls I stayed home (they are 3 years apart). When you're home there is a house to clean, food to prepare, yard work to do, grocery shopping, not to mention all the school volunteer work. They HAD to be able to entertain themselves because there were times when I had things to do that they couldn't help with (stoves and children do not mix well).
And while they always helped me with chores around the house that they were able to do there were plenty of times when they would disappear, blow off the chores and go use their imagination.
So yeah, I have no advice. Sorry.
Is this a recent development with Diego or has he always been needy?
I'm not sure what to do, but I think getting him started on interesting yet solo-play toys and activities is a good way to go. Books, games of skill, things to concentrate on - how about "draw me a picture of ____?" or "write me a story."
For a while my son liked building things with Legos - he could concentrate on them while Iw as in the room with a book, and we both seemed to be able to enjoy being together while being focused on separate things.
Of course, now he's 21 and irreparably damaged by mother-abandonment issues.....
Take some Mandol and send your kid on a date with Grandma.
You're welcome.
Take some midol and take a nap!
I am just like you, I can pretty much entertain myself. That sounds weird.
Anyway my mom said she loved it when I was a kid because I would be completely content sitting by myself reading books. Unlike my brother who needed constant attention. Maybe it's just in our wiring, not sure there's anything you can do.
But then again, I'm not a parent, I have no idea what I'm talking about!
we may have blizzards in winter, but man, earthquakes seem like a pretty scary thing!
My youngest daughter was JUST like that--mostly because with 3 siblings and a cul-de-sac full of kids she had never been alone.
Now, at 15? Still social, but completely content to spend time alone and sometimes does it voluntarily.
Well, my kids dont do that, probably because I have purposely not entertained them. Having worked with kids for nearly 2 decades before having my own, I felt strongly about fostering their independence....not hovering, encouraging them to explore, and being totally ok with them not being entertained (even if they werent ok with it) It takes time, but in the end, it will make Diego more confident in other areas of his life.
As for the earthquake, it was more like a strong, steady back and forth...imagine a dj scratching a record...shaking back and forth....and, yeah, we have a crack in our ceiling and stuff felt off the shelves....but the most scary part, was that it seemed to go on f. o. r. e. v. e. r.
BTW, Im excited to be hosting BOSSY ...are you going to one of her meet ups?
one word - LEGO! get lots of different types of pieces or a bunch of kits and he can amuse himself for hours....but my son never had this problem from day one (adopted at age 3) he could amuse himself with an empty garbage can!
as for the man periods - I am now getting past the female kind finally!! whoo hooo!
You'll miss Diego needing you to entertain him one day. And it'll happen way before you are ready.
Trust me.
Gary definitely gets a man period. Don't tell him I said that, but holy cow. I know it will be hard for you to keep that from him since you guys talk ALL THE FREAKING time.
Kaish likes to have playmates as well. Do you think it has anything to do with being an only child? Kaish likes to watch tv alone, but if I tell him to go play there absolutely MUST be a playmate.
Pamprin? : ) XO
My little guy is an only child so he is all about alone time, especially after a long day with kids. So that's cool. This way I get my alone time too which is absolutely necessary!
That must have been really weird to feel an earthquake like that!
I was blessed/cursed to have a son who's a total loner. I have to force my way into his room and make him talk to me . . . it's so funny. He got it directly from me so I can't even bitch about it.
I hope you find some man-pads to go with that man-period. Are you sure you aren't going through manapause? You know . . . you're getting to that age.
Hmmm . . .
My granddaughter had a nanny 24/7 for many years. The nanny was there for HER, to play with her, feed her, whatever she needed. So, like your son, my granddaughter was not able to use her imagination and play alone until she got pretty good on the computer and then she would play games on her computer but would still want someone to see what a good job she was doing. I don't have any answers for this, it was so different when I was raising my kids. No nanny. A babysitter when I couldn't be there from my work in time. Good luck.
Cramps indeed. :)
I don't know. I think children come into this world that way. I really do. We can say it's because they haven't learned to play independently, and there would be truth to it, but I think some people just need to be with people.
Love your new site design, by the way!
Midol, baby.
So...my 6-year-old soulds a lot like yours. And it's a struggle. I'm a social-in-public/loner-at-home person. And J is a loner/loner. And our 3-year-old is very self-sufficient in a way I recognize. So when Milo (my 6-year-old) is just screeching (aaah!) because he needs US to do it WITH him. And waaaaaah we are IGNORING HIM...and my eyeballs are getting hairy...Ahem. I think you know where I've been.
But here's my newest wisdom: My kid loves people. LOVES them. And pity for him that I left Mormonism and he doesn't have an immediate family of 12 to entertain him, but I HAVE to value that gift. Hairy eyeballs and all, I think the love of other people will serve him well. It might not be the gift I recognize. It might drive me berzerkers, but....whewy! I think I'm going to have to just ride it out and let him drive me crazy and like what he's got, even though it's not what I've got.
Is this just too stream-of-conscious to be anything but irritating? Probably not. Sorry. That's what I've got today...love the neediness, because it's what Diego has to give, and recognize that it IS a gift. (And also? He's not your mother-in-law.)
My kid loves to play alone and independently. I find it extremely creepy. Thank your luck stars.
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