As I was growing up, there was a little neighbor boy named Bryce (I've changed his name) who lived near us who would sometimes come over to our house wearing his mother's heels, or his older sister's dress, or long sparkly gloves. He was very open about his desire to be a girl, and he unabashedly talked about growing up to be lady. He may have even talked about kissing boys. I really didn't give it much thought, but I now wonder how his staunchly Mormon parents felt about it, and at what point did they say that enough was enough?
I am several years older than Bryce is, so soon after that I grew up and moved out. I didn't hear anything else about him or his family until a couple of years ago my sister told me that he was gay and that at some point he had been living a "gay lifestyle" but then after a while his family pulled him back into mainstream Mormonism, he repented, went on a mission, goes to BYU, and is now happily married. To a woman.
I've read Bryce's blog. He loves show tunes and a few other stereotypically gay things. He still seems feminine in many ways. He posts about his disdain for people like Clay Aiken and Ricky Martin who, in his opinion, say they are gay just because nowadays it is "the cool thing to do." He had a lot of strong words regarding the whole "Yes on 8" debacle. He also talks a lot about his love for his family, his wife, and the teachings of the Mormon church.
I want Bryce to be happy. I can understand how easy it could have been for him to try to turn off a part of himself in hopes of a normal, more accepted life, to want to follow the teachings of the church, and the belief system of his very strong, very close-knit family. It is no small task what he has chosen to do. I know. I tried. No matter what I did I could not get that part of me to be quiet. Some say that part of me was just temptation. Some say that everyone has their demons, whether it be drugs or alcohol, gambling, overspending, overeating, pornography, or any number of other vices, that they must combat on a daily basis. Some say that those are just their temptations that they must resist. Some say that homosexual desires are just another set of vices that must be battled, and overcome.
There are also other "ex-gays" out there who decry homosexuality and have chosen to become straight. I wonder how that is working out for them. That sounds sarcastic. But I would really like to know, how many of them have managed to live lives of fulfillment, without regret, and how many are now ex-ex-gays?
41 comments:
A very brave post my friend.
I have a very good friend who is "formerly gay". He is now married and has children. I've told him that I don't understand why he spent so many years in the closet then came dancing out of the closet with feathers in his hair...and then went right back in to the closet. Apparently it isn't my business to understand why he does what he does.
I can only hope that he is happy but I wish he would be honest with himself.
I don't get it. To me, ex-gay = gay in denial or gay caved to pressure. I don't think you can stop being gay anymore than I could stop being straight.
As for lives of fulfillment, I think they are fulfilled in some areas but ultimately are denying who they are. And that can't be a good way to live.
I've known people who felt kinda gay and then decided to live a straight life... but those feelings are always there... that sense of not being authentic is always there.
Something else to consider, in my opinion, is that the best way to have a truly intimate relationship with God and that the best way to live your life on His path is to live authentically, as the full self God intends you to be. And that can mean straight, gay, as a woman, as a man, or even without interest in sex or sexuality.
You of all people know the importance of each one of us following our own path. We do not want to spend the time we have here trying to fit into anyone else's mold. We have a purpose and it ours and ours alone. Nice post Jason. You know who you are and you are at peace with it. You can't help wonder about others who changed their destination. And their destiny.
There is a whole group of men at our church that say that is a struggle for them but because they are committed to Jesus they have chosen not to live that lifestyle. I often wonder how it is working out for them. They have meetings. Some of them get married. I guess God really can change someones desires. Did you ever ask this friend how he was dealing with it?
I don't think that anyone can be truly happy pretending to be something they are not. Life is way too short to spend time denying your true self.
I must say that it sounds suspect to me. You are very kind and open-minded.
I agree with Jenn. I only hope that they are happy. Whatever their choice.
You and I both wonder.
It's such a shame, that gay men and women can't just live their lives, proudly, for what/ who they are. I mean, obviously, some do, but it's a shame they all can't.
My God is about love and non judgment.
I hope Bryce is okay today.
Have you asked him?
I think you CAN live a heterosexual lifestyle if you are homosexual, but I don't think you SHOULD. I don't think that it is psychologically healthy at all.
In addition to that, I feel sorry for the wives of these "ex-gay" men.
I think it's sad when people cannot or will not be their authentic selves. However he chose his path, right or wrong it's his journey. I hope he finds happiness.
Oh and my God does not care about my sexual orientation, who I vote for or what color my skin is, thankfully!
Jason, when people liken being gay to a temptation such as drugs or alcohol, overeating or pornography, I find that condescending (on your behalf I guess). People are not born addicted to drugs or alcohol, overeating or porn, it comes from the outside. And if it were a "temptation" then why are straight people not tempted.
As I've told you, my 21 yr old nephew is gay and he was just like the kid you wrote about, he loved dresses, heels, the whole 9 yards. This is before he had the capacity to tell right from wrong, it was not even a sexual thing. There was no "temptation". It just... was. And is.
When my stepson came out to us, it was not a surprise. We'd accepted it long before he felt like he was able to tell us. I often, though, wonder how his mother and minister stepfather reacted. Maybe one day, I'll be brave enough to ask him if they tried to make him "repent".
I have to say, though, that the title of this post made me giggle. AND, my word verification is clownha.
snirk.
Great post Jason. I am not sure you can stifle that part of your life and be happy...as in really happy. I am no shrink... but it seems like a miserable way to live.
I wonder why Barbra feels sorry for the wives of these ex-gay men. Does she think they are being cheated of something in the relationship? Interesting discussion. I know I never felt cheated of anything being married to Jason. Their were issues but none that I think would give anyone reason to feel sorry for me other than that he changed my reality by coming out and I couldn't be married to him anymore. Now that is something to feel sorry for me about! :)
I've typed and retyped this comment about ten times now. Mostly, because I'm not a generally ranty person and the previous ten comments sounded super ranty.
I don't like this idea of sexual re-education... as if homosexuality is some sort of behavioral disorder. It's arcane and symptomatic of the diseased state of organized religion in our modern era.
I don't know if your friend is happy, I hope that he is. I just know that I feel like what happened to him was wrong. And I feel sad that an entire community manipulated him by wielding the denial of love and acceptance as a blackmail.
This happens in my religion (actually, re-education isn't even an option). I blatantly and openly reject this facet of it. I will not use God's love and acceptance to shame a human being for simply being the way God made him or her. And I will not close my eyes to the fact that these supposed laws were most likely a product of cultural mores that existed thousands of years ago.
And that's all I got to say about that.
I just feel bad when I hear stories like this. My dad went through all those Mormon and non Mormon programs that are supposed to turn you straight. Every single ex-gay that he met there, he later saw out back in the lifestyle, yet still telling their family and their church that they are ex-gay.
Come on people, just be who you are! There's no way someone could just make me start to like girls, it's not a choice I didn't choose to like guys, it's just in me. Arrrgh!
Ok, now I'm getting worked up, I'll stop now but I really don't believe that ex-gays truly exist, just pretend ones.
very potent topic, i hope your friend is happy, maybe he will never know if he is. for me, it has never been about the physical body of a man or woman. it has always been about the soul inside, who the person was, and how we connected... it is the spiritual connection as well as the emotional connection that attracts me and i dont care if the soul comes in male or female form... the physical form is secondary to me and not so important. i've been with both... and i have never found my emotional needs to be met with a man... i find i can only be truly understood by a woman. that is more important to me than the sexual part. i can have sex with either male or female, and enjoy it. but i need more, i need to feel connected, understood, supported... to the degree that i need it.. and not settle for less.
so whatever that makes me, is what i am.
the only CHOICE every one of us has, in my opinion, is weather to live true to ourselves, our needs,, or not... whoever that might make us. there is no other choice... you cant turn gay/straight on or off at whim. not if you are true to yourself. so whats it gonna be? live honestly, or live a lie in order to be accepted? and then if you wanna go there, who decides who is accepted or not? another person! well, who made them boss?
see what i mean... its redundant.. we are all here for a reason. if you live true to yourself, you will be happy. if you dont, you are giving someone else power over you! in essence, cheating yourself of who you are supposed to be. and no one deserves to be short changed like that. homosexuality is not a disease or choice or temptation or anything else negative.
sorry to blah blah blah but it makes me angry and sad to hear about someone being shamed into being who they arent... in god's name..
c
This is very thoughtfully written, Jason. It is brave an honest. This is why I like you so much, and respect the hell out of you.
Thought-provoking post. Great discussion. Good job, Jason!
The biggest challenge that can happen is loving yourself enough to not let those closest to you determine who you really are, but rather to just be the real you. Because no one is happy hiding their identity, yet it is horrible to be ashamed.
I wish that gay people everywhere knew -- in their core -- that they do not have to be ashamed for who they are. I wish that they could shout it at the top of their lungs like your friend who visited from Pakistan!
I am pissed by the phrase "gay lifestyle" as if it is only a whim. No one says "straight lifestyle."
Thank you for this. Very compassionate. I know that it hits close to home, and you are brave to share.
It is possible that some people may discover that they are not "gay."
There is no problem for a man or woman who is living a homosexual lifestyle to choose to live a straight lifestyle. Isn't whether they are happy in their life the point? Just because a person has been living a certain type of lifestyle or has a certain type of natural yearning of some sort does not mean that they should just accept it because it is in them.
What matters most is that they live a life that they are happy with. If that is rejecting a gay lifestyle for a straight one so be it. Let them be.
I am sure they are informed enough to choose their own expression of sexual orientation.
Maybe "Bryce" was the straight guy everybody thought was gay and he came out of the back door of the closet. Some thoughts to consider.
David, you're right. What matters most is that he lives a life that makes him happy and fulfilled. And as I stated, I want Bryce to be happy.
Oh, and David, thank you for calling it a "natural" yearning.
I loved this post. My LG loves to parade around in my heels and wear beads. When people see him and ask, "What'll you do if he turns out gay?" I respond, "Make buy his own heels. I'm not sharing!"
It makes me sad that parents would do this to a child. Isn't it everyone's dream that their kid grows up to be healthy, happy and find someone they can love? Who cares if they're gay or straight, as long as the person they want to be with treats them well and loves them unconditionally.
As for the "reconditioning", you can put snowboots into the closet after the winter, but they won't come out as flip flops just because it's summer...
I wish we didn't have to decide. Truly. I have known that I was bi-sexual for many many years and while I probably identify more with gay people, I have been attracted to many men too. Wouldn't it be a groovy world if we didn't have to decide?
I know someone quite well who was gay and out for... oh ... 20 years. He joined a cult like religion and is now married to a woman. An ex-lesbian. The preacher's good works, apparently. But I'm not buying it.
Thank you for making us all think.
I heart you, Jason.
I was a gay who became a former gay (hence Baby Boy) who then became a gay again. Living natural is best. Period. No more of the old switcheroo for me. ;-)
I have a little boy (6yrs) who lives in the house out the back of mine who loves to dump his school clothes as soon as he gets home and don a dress... i love his adorable ways, he so believes in faeries that we have opened a section of the back fence and created a faerie garden where we exchange gifts of necklaces and dress ups... We have had afternoon tea where i have helped him to make his first faerie doll (As it is my thing too) i feel for him though as he tells me that his parents think that he will grow out of such things and i watch them wince if he wants to wear earrings... They are trying to draw a line i think which is really sad because i personally think all it will serve to do is make him start to want to hide parts of himself... My best friend who is gay says that he was always gay, God~made gay... i just don't know why some people just don't 'get that' and get on with getting to know the person as a person and stop trying to make everything in the worlde fit into a neat straight jigsaw puzzle! Geez! (How boring is that!)
hi jason, i hope bryce is really happy but i'm not buying it. i'm sure i mentioned "religilous", the movie, before but there's a scene in there where he visits a guy that runs a "ministry" to convert gay people back to heterosexuals. he was not convincing either. i guess i cannot imagine the pressures and fears of coming out since i never had to face them. i grew up with a boy who, when i was older, i realized was gay. we hung out together from when we were 5 til i left for college. he never ever said anything that might suggest he was gay and even though he didn't have a girlfriend ever, it never occurred to me either. it's amazing how dense and self-centered we are sometimes. anyway, he moved to phoenix and 15+ years after i left home, my ex-wife and i were visiting phoenix and decided to look him up. we called him up and he was agitated on the phone, saying to give him time before we came over. after we arrived, it slowly became apparent that he had made his partner leave the house and had removed any evidence (pictures, etc.) from plain view that he didn't live alone. he was not happy to see me and couldn't wait for us to leave. he received 3 phone calls during the 45 minutes we were there where he mumbled excuses why... not sure but why we hadn't left yet. i was younger and felt that if he didn't want to let me know, then i shouldn't push it but it saddened me that he thought i might reject him after all those years we spent growing up together. since then, i've talked to friends of his from home who have confirmed that his wildest fear is that i may have slipped up while visiting home and let the cat out of the bag to one of his relatives. i can't imagine this level of fear and wish it didn't have to be. but realizing that this level of fear exists makes me doubt that bryce is an "ex-gay".
Thanks for always inviting honest, thought provoking conversation....and for not judging, regardless of how people respond.
The thing that makes me feel sad....is when these choices are accompanied with hate and judgment.
Why does Bryce dislike Clay or Ricky? Doesnt he imagine that they have struggled with the same difficult and painful feelings that he has? Of anyone, I would think Bryce could have understanding and compassion for them.
Im from the belief, that we are all born with desirous that are not best for us. The Bible details in several places, and I know it from personal experience.
I think that holiness is more important than happiness...and I also believe that doing what is right, is more inclined to make us happy in the long run.
I dont think anyone should be miserable denying themselves...but that is because I think that to embrace God, and have a sense of what He wants for you, gives you the strength to do what He thinks is best for you, and be happy with it. Perhaps Bryce is in such a place.
Im sure some of this will be construed as "inauthentic" or forcing yourself to live a life of denial and deception....but that isnt what I mean at all.
Once someone comes to a belief system, they have to make their own choices based on what they consider true and right.
Personally, I could live a life full of temporary "happiness" that would feel quite natural to me, and yet, I trust God that it would not be best.
I know that in God's eyes, we are all struggling, our ways are not his ways, and none of us will ever get it completely right...at least not on this earth. We are born sinners..imperfect, flawed....but to acknowledge that and just accept that God gives us His love and grace, is much better than to strive and hate.
So sad, really, since being gay can hardly be a sin! Since when is love a sin? Love is love and isn't that what we are supposed to do? Love one another?
When I see someone who is truly happy, truly fulfilled - that is when I get the feeling that they are doing God's will. People who are being authentically who they are just vibrate with a higher energy (I think that is why we like to read biographies of successful people - because success often comes with aligning with your true purpose).
I want everyone - including me - to have that experience of being their very best selves. It isn't up to me to decide what that is for someone else. Last night, when I asked you about your son, I saw a glimpse of that very best self in you. Your face just glowed with a true, deep love, and it was so wonderful to see.
That's a long and roundabout way of saying that I hope Bryce is following his true path. Your post approached this so thoughfully and gently. I appreciate your writing it.
I think it's very sad that Bryce is not being true to himself but, for his own sake, I do hope he can be happy with the 'new' life he has chosen. That said, I do wonder if he has been brainwashed by well-meaning loved ones and others whose beliefs are governed by a judgemental religion. Sadly, this happens all to often. There is nothing demonic about being gay but I do see it as demonic to brainwash or coerce someone into being someone they're not. Being true to our Authentic Self IS our Life Purpose.
Great post, Jason!
I suppose it is possible to choose to be a certain way, in contradiction of how you really are. BUT, I would question how truly happy a person can be if they are denying a huge part of who they are.
In all that I know from friends and my brother - being gay isn't a choice. Choosing to deny - that WOULD be choice... but would you really be happy?
Like you, I've never really bought into the "ex-gay" thing. However...hum. I know I'm not the only woman who went through a "college lesbian" phase.
Dan Savage is one of the many famous commenters on this distinction who claim that men cannot be "ex gay" but that women can.
So...maybe I'm hypocritical. I certainly know what kind of genitals I am interested in, but also have to acknowledge that it wasn't always so clear-cut.
That's all I've got. Not answers, just...a sort-of questiony wondering.
Personally, I fall into the "everyone is fair game" category. I see men and women that I think are extremely attractive, that I know I could be physically intimate with. For me, love is about getting to know the person. People always ask me what percentage gay/straight I am. I don't prefer one gender to the other. I just like PEOPLE. When it comes to love, its about getting to know the other person...and yes, physical attraction is important. I don't understand why this concept is difficult for so many people. We are a group of people who like to name things. I don't want to be named as bi-sexual, because that doesn't accurately describe me and my likes/dislikes.
I just ran in the So-Cal Ragnar 200 mile relay with work friends over the weekend. It was fun, but hard, through the middle of West Hollywood and it's millions of lights, and then through the hills to Dana Point. When it was over I just wanted to have a cold beer, which was very available on the beech, but I didn't. Why? Because I'm living the “Mormon lifestyle.” Yessiree neighbor! I'm following the word of wisdom; no tea, beer, and worst of all, coffee. I have a testimony that I'm probably better than most people, esp most folks in L A, and I owe it all to my “lifestyle”. Oh, and also to my friends who ran the Ragnar with me, and watched me, and each other, closely, to make sure we hold fast to our chosen lifestyles. I know that being gay is like choosing to drink coffee or not. At least that's what they tell me every Sunday where I learn about what lifestyle I should style my life after.
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