ER-EEEE, ER-EEE, ER-EEE

 

During my preteen and teen years, my room

was located in the basement directly beneath my parents’ bedroom.  Every so often, as I did my homework, listened to music or as I lay in bed going to sleep, it would begin.  Very slowly:

ER-EEE. . . . . ER-EEE.

Oh, no, I would think.  Here we go again.

ER-EEE. . . . .ER-EEE.

The first few times, I would listen in fascinated horror, eyes wide, hand over my mouth.

ER-EEE. . . ER-EEE. . .ER-EEE.

Within moments, the speed and intensity would increase.

ER-EEE..ER-EEE…ER-EEE…ER-EEE…ER-EEE.

And then faster. . .

ER-EEE!  ER-EEE!  ER-EEE!  ER-EEE!  ER-EEE!

Then the home stretch:

ER-EEE!! ER-EEE-ER-EEE-ER-EEE-ER-EER-EEE-ER-EEE-ER-EEE-ER-EEE-ER-EEEEEEE!!!!

And silence.

Those were the longest 15 second time spans ever.

 

 

 

I’ve Come to Realize…

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size … is just right, and I'm glad I don't have man boobs.

2. I’ve come to realize that my job ….is going very well this year.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving …I need to be especially careful these days.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need … to use a traditional mouse rather than a laptop touch pad.

5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost … my brown Old Navy flip flops.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when … I let myself get caught up in negativity.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk … I might start talking dirty.

8. I’ve come to realize that money … isn’t as easy to come by as it used to be.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people … need to CHILLAX.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always … have big old puffy bags under my eyes with dark circles underneath.

11. I’ve come to realize that my siblings … have grown up to be amazing individuals.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom … needed a second chance at life.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone … is much better for me than something fancy like an iphone or a Blackberry Storm.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning … I had a dull headache and the beginnings of a sore throat.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep … Giancarlo told me how much he hates his new Ab Rocket. Hee hee. “Ab Rocket.”

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking …..............

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad … has never been quite right mentally since I was 15 years old.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook … I need to be careful about what I say because even the simplest statements can be misconstrued.

19. I’ve come to realize that today … I just want to be lazy on my new couch.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight … is the season premier of Brothers and Sisters.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow … I need to finish preparing for parent conferences this week.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to … go away by myself to a tropical island.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is … going ot have a lot of thinking to do!

24. I’ve come to realize that life … will always have its ups and downs.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend … has not felt like a weekend since I worked on Saturday.

26. I’ve come to realize that marriage … is sometimes hard and sometimes easy…no matter who you are.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends … crack me up.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year … has been a pretty good year, all things considered and comparing it to the previous two.

29. I’ve come to realize that my ex is … now forty years old and aging gracefully.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should … not spend so much time on the computer?

31. I’ve come to realize that I love … my 5 year old son’s sense of humor. Today he said to his cousin who was blowing a whistle on the way out the door to go to mass…”You better not take that with you because it is going to really irritate the padre.”

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand … math beyond a 6th grade level.

33. I’ve come to realize my past … taught me some very important lessons.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties … are excruciatingly painful if you don’t know anyone there.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified … where cancer will strike next.

—- Stolen from Hotfessional. —-

Bad CARma

The past few weeks have not been good CAR weeks for my family.

Last week, Claire mistakenly backed into a car in a parking lot, causing damage to the doors of an American-made compact. She waited for the owner, who finally came out, and jumped in his car and sped away before she could even get out of her car.

The very next day, a just recently licensed 16 year old in his new truck rammed into her Porsche Cayenne, causing considerable body damage.

That same day, my in-laws were driving across the desert near Palm Springs when a hose popped loose and the coolant splattered all over the freeway. They sat in the 110 degree heat while AAA came and towed them to a repair shop. Then they had to get a room in a roadside motel for the afternoon so they had some place cool to be.

The day after that, Amelia texted me saying that someone had damaged her bumper. Sure enough, upon examination I could tell that it must have been hit with considerable force because the bumper was a bit loose.

This all reminded me of the few short months that I owned a 3 cylinder Geo Metro. (Don't ask me why. Okay, ask me. I bought it because I wanted something new but inexpensive and with great gas mileage. This was in 1996. I remember driving from Los Angeles to Salt Lake City on TEN DOLLARS of gas. However, I had to follow the RVs up the long-stretched hills across the Mojave desert. This little car did not have enough get-up-and-go to pass a motorhome. A few weeks later, I traded it in at a huge loss, for I just couldn't continue in such a state. I traded it in for a VW Jetta, which I loved, but Amelia had apparently become very attached to the little red bucket of bolts during those few months, because she cried and cried and cried. I digress.) While I owned this little Geo Metro, it was crashed into on three separate occasions, twice while parked in front of my house, once while I was waiting at a stop light.

A couple of months ago, when Giancarlo was driving down the 5 freeway, a piece of debris flew out of a truck, bounced, and slammed into the hood of his car, leaving a big dent.

Then, after I owned my current car for four days, someone backed into the rear driver's side, leaving a big old dent. Fortunately, a body shop was able to push the dent back out, leaving just a small mark.

Of course, I am grateful that none of these incidents caused bodily harm to anyone, and that none of these vehicles were totaled. But I'm left wondering. . . what has brought on this rash of bad CARma?

Fall Into Some Single Sentence Soup

Each week The Jason Show sends scouts out into the blogosphere, scouring blogs both well-known and yet-to-be-discovered for those single lines that are attention grabbers. Single sentences that resonate for their element of humor, touch of the bizarre, or ability to provoke thought are prestigiously linked to their author, in hopes that viewers of The Jason Show like you will be able to savor a serving of Single Sentence Soup just as our scouts have.

“Grandma, what’s porno?”

So if you guys care for me - even just a little - you will go hold up a starbucks and then send me the pumpkin spice latte mix.

Now maybe I'm thick, maybe I'm a mean mommy, call it what you will, but if this was the case, we needed to nip it in it's dirty little butt-licking mouth the bud. This whole Dog Wanting Thing needed to be addressed.

Stand back, study warns. There's fungi on your face. Cooties on your kisser. Protozoa in your piehole.

I? Will be sitting here on my lanai, melting into my chair under the sweltering sun, a fan blasting hot air on me, while gazing at the green leaves. I will also be cursing each and every one of you. Under my breath, of course. And with love, of course.

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A Jason Show Set Makeover

Before

 

 

This house has been the set for The Jason Show for four years now, and our family room never appealed to me.  (Actually, I have detested it.) The three leather love seats, while attractive in their own right, just didn’t seem to go with the space or the rest of the house.  They didn’t allow for much lounging, and only two people could comfortably watch TV without craning their necks.  The bookcase in the corner was from our previous house which was had a Spanish/Mexican influence, but in this house it felt out of place and it sucked away the life of this room.  (Plus the flower arrangement at the top was like a festering boil on my butt.)  The room has never been inviting.

 

The entertainment niche became the home to our old entertainment unit, which matched the shelves in the corner.  Again…it didn’t go with the style of this house and it felt disjointed to me.  As for the people in the picture, they’re pretty great and I think I’ll keep them.  This photo was taken at my fabulous fortieth birthday bash.

 

 

After years of feeling perplexed about what to do to solve this decorating dilemma, it slowly dawned on me that we needed to have a built in entertainment installed that would match the fireplace, and that we needed a lot of comfy seating to accommodate our large, fluctuating family.

 

And just like on TV, we cleared the space and started over.  First, we found a carpenter to make the built-in entertainment unit.  Next, we shopped around and ordered a custom sectional sofa that fits the room perfectly.  After weeks of waiting for the whole process to be completed, this weekend it all came together.  Are you ready for the big reveal?  Come on in!  Now cover your eyes.  Walk this way….okay, right here….and….uncover your eyes!

 

After

I’ll bet you didn’t even realize this room had a fireplace!  It was hidden by the love seats, and wasn’t at all a focal point of the room.  Now, the entertainment unit and the fireplace work together, sharing the focus.

The sectional is comfy and spacious but doesn’t overwhelm the room like sectionals so often do.  And now, if I want to lay down for a quick snooze downstairs, I can do it.  If we want to snuggle in and watch a movie,  there is room for all.  Plus, our family room now feels cohesive, uncluttered, and a whole lot bigger.

The only things that are left to do are to buy some throw pillows to pull some color out of some of the paintings (most of which my mother-in-law, Elsa painted) and into the room, and buy a bigger, shaggier, comfier rug.

So there you have it---The Jason Show family room make-over!  Thanks for watching.

We'll Be Back....

My Face Looks Like a WHAT?

Lately I've been sporting a now-you-see it, now-you-don't goatee. One week on, one week off, more or less. I like growing one for a few days because it means considerably less shaving, I like the way it looks, and I've gotten many compliments on it. Everyone seems to like it, except Giancarlo, but only because it feels like "kissing sandpaper." Hence, one week on, one week off. Gotta keep the man happy.

This morning one of my co-workers, who is also a friend of mine, good naturedly told me that with a goatee, my face looks like a vagina.

She said my face looks like a vagina.

 
She said my face looks like a vagina.

She said, my, face, looks, like a, vagina.

Now Giancarlo REALLY isn't going to want to kiss me.

I Can’t Just Sit Quietly

I wasn’t sure I was going to say anything about this, but as an American educator I must speak out. My fellow educators feel the same way, particularly Pumpkin Delight. Check out her post today to get a summary of the points Obama will discuss with America’s children tomorrow. Teacher Tom and Liz at Eternal Lizdom also had some veryinsightful things to say on this issue.

For those of you who may not be sure to what I am referring, President Obama would like to address the school-aged children of our country tomorrow. He plans on emphasizing the importance of getting a good education, staying in school, overcoming obstacles, and that ultimately, it is up to each individual be successful in school. Parents and teachers are there to help, but at the end of the day---it’s up to the kids.

So. In spite of the outcry from the considerable conservative portion of our community, our school district is wisely allowing the teachers, the professional educators, to consider the speech, and, if it fits into the curriculum and is appropriate for the age group, to show their classes President Obama’s speech. I have considered this, and yes, I think it will be a significant, positive educational experience for my first and second graders to view at least the first few minutes of the speech. And you’d better believe we’re going to discuss it! My students really need to hear this stuff and if they feel the president himself is telling it to them, it might just light that spark that they need.

Don’t worry, though. I won’t rewrite the pledge of allegiance or anything. (I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of Obama, and to Obama, for which it stands, one nation under Obama, indivisible, with liberty and Obama for all.) Oops. I just rewrote the pledge! Thank God for free speech. Don’t worry, I promise I won’t teach this to my class. Too often.

Just kidding! Geez!

The Jason Show Gets Fancier

Today the producers of The Jason Show have been playing around with Windows Live Writer, a nifty tool that we learned about from Suz at Day by Day, Life as a Busy Bee. 

 

Composing posts on Blogger has left much to be desired, but Live Writer allows simple special effects with photos, like tilting, color pop, borders and shading, and watermarks, to name a few.  It’s easy, and it’s free!

 

Another thing that the producers of The Show just noticed is that the user can use the strikethrough effect without having to do any annoying little HTML things.  This is happening merely at the click of a button at the top of my Live Writer tool.

Windows Live also has a table function similar to the one on Microsoft Word.	The Jason Show isn’t certain how often it will need to use the table feature, but it’s nice to know that it is there if it is needed.
The rest of this table is not necessary at the present time.	But we are filling it in with superfluous text just because we can.

 

 

There is a handy dandy “undo” option, which the creators have used multiple times during the taping of this episode.

 

 

 

There is also a map feature that allows you to find and insert different types of maps.

 

Here is an aerial view of the married student housing, Aggie Village, where Claire and Jason lived while Jason earned his bachelor’s degree at Utah State University in Logan, Utah.

This is an aerial view of Jason’s childhood home.  The photo doesn’t do it justice.  Believe us.

 

…and Giancarlo’s parent’s home in Casacalenda, Italy.

 

And…perhaps The Jason Show viewers have noticed that there have never been any videos of any sort, ever. Truth be told, the techies on the set never learned how to do it.  But with Live Writer?  It’s a snap!

 

Don’t watch this video, though, unless you want to get really, super duper RILED UP like Jason did yesterday when he saw it on that mixed bag of happiness and horror, Facebook.

 

Certainly not wanting to end on that note, one more feature that we here at The Jason Show love is the preview feature.  When you click on “preview,” guess what?  Your preview looks exactly like it will look as soon as you publish!  Imagine that!  What an idea!

 

Oh!  We almost forgot!  You can also insert photos wherever you want, not in that regimented, predetermined, confusing order that Blogger dictates.  With Windows Live Writer you can do it like this:

 

 

Did you see that?  Did you see how we did that?  We decided we wanted a photo of Jason’s youngest brother, Paul holding, a miniature totem pole, so we just put it right smack dab where we wanted, when we wanted, and how we wanted, no muss, no fuss!  But it was a little too small, so we enlarged it to our very own custom size!

 

Now, here’s Paul in using color pop and the photo paper option.

 

And here’s Paul in sepia:

 

And here he is, embossed.

 

And finally, here he is upside down with his reflection right side up.

 

Hey, Paul, is all the blood running to your head?  Ha!

 

 

So, Suz, Jason does want to kiss you, H1N1 be damned!

 

Ready?  Here come Jason’s lips, along with all of the lips of all of the other Jason Show producers, noisily and droolingly zooming through cyberspace from California to Florida to Suz’s luscious lips…..

 

SMOOCH!!!

Thank you, Suz!

 

The Fly Zone

It has been severely hot and extremely humid over the last couple of weeks---115 to be exact, and this is a recipe for an overabundance of pesky insects. We've even actually had a fly or two in our kitchen, ever so much to Giancarlo's dismay. I do not like flies either, but he simply does not comprehend my nonchalance toward them. And how could he? He didn't grow up in.....THE FLY ZONE.

As you may recall, I grew up on a farm of sorts. Really, it was just a bunch of rickety plywood shacks that housed a variety of animals that had one thing in common: They all pooped. Which attracted flies. Lots of them. And the doors to our house did not have screens. Ever.

To give you a better idea of what this meant, it was an actual job at my house for one of us six kids to stand in the kitchen for 15 minutes and kill as many flies as we could. Really, we could have accomplished this blindfolded because wherever the flyswatter landed you could count on a two fly minimum. SLAM! SWAT! SLAP! BAM! WHACK! SMACK!

Okay, well, I guess this sounds like a reasonable job given the circumstances. Except for two complications: First of all, many of the surfaces on which a fly would land were not fixed, like bowls, pots, pans, toys, garden tools, books, unopened stacks of bills, sticky copies of The Ensign and so on and so on. So when one of us would slam the swatter it would often result in a terrible chain reaction of crashing, sending untold items to the floor. Secondly, our mother never clarified to us that it might be important to remove the bloody fly carcass carnage once we had done our deed. This resulted in a fly body farm.

Hence, our already unfathomable kitchen was sent into even further disarray and filthiness. Walking barefoot in the kitchen was risky busines, and wearing shoes with pronounced tread meant you'd be carrying several corpses with you wherever you went until you took the time to pick out all of the smooshed up wings, splindly legs, guts, and all-seeing fly eyes.

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The good news is that this only happened during the summer. Winter always brought below zero temperatures, treacherously icy roads, and sweet release from the plague of flies.

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This episode originally aired on September 3, 2007.

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