Urology 101: When Chopping Hot Chili Peppers

Since the hot chili peppers I was chopping for my sister's pico de gallo were beginning to make me sneeze, I went into the bathroom to blow my nose. Afterward, I rubbed my nose a bit with my hand and then decided I needed to pee.

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As I returned and resumed my chili pepper chopping, my nose began to burn.

"I touched my nose after chopping these peppers, and now it's burning. Ow." Musing over my burning nose I began to feel an even stronger burn somewhere else. Somewhere else down south.

I squirmed. I shifted. Finally it was too much to keep to myself so I blurted out to my sister and my fifteen year old niece, "Are you ready for some TMI? Now the chili peppers are making me burn down there."

At first they didn't understand. But once I reminded them that boys and men usually need to handle the goods a bit when they go number one, their eyes grew big and they burst into laughter.

I laughed along, but the burning grew so intense that I needed to intervene on my own behalf. "Where are your baby wipes?"

I took the wipes into the bathroom and cleansed the effected area. "Ahhh, all better," I thought.

Not so much. As I once again resumed my chopping responsibilities I realized that the baby wipes hadn't really cleansed as much as smeared all around. Now my entire private area was burning, and not in a good way. I thought perhaps it would subside but it only worsened. I dropped the knife and ran upstairs, stripped, and thrust the family jewels under the cold healing waters of the bathtub faucet. Sweet relief. Then I washed thoroughly with soap, rinsed, and repeated.

As I dried off and redressed I smartened up. There was no way I was putting those underwear on again, for I now understood the lethal potency of invisible hot pepper residue. However, I was wearing shorts and a house full of people was due to arrive soon, and I couldn't risk sharing the family jewels with the family. So I put my underwear on backwards. Strange fit, but no problem with burning in the rear since I'm much less sensitive back there than up front.

I am the oldest of six. That evening I felt that it was my duty to impart the wisdom of a valuable lesson learned, so as my siblings and their spouses enjoyed the pico de gallo, I shared my story. And, if I have been able to prevent just one loved one from experiencing such pain in the course of his/her lifetime, my ardent experience will have been well worth it.

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