1. If you do not close all blinds and drapes at night, it is 100% guaranteed that your house will be robbed.
2. All sicknesses enter through the feet. Therefore, if your bare feet ever touch the floor, you will become sick.
3. Temperatures cause illness, not germs.
4. It is perfectly okay to leave food out on the counter all day. It will not begin to spoil.
5. Spanking is the best way to discipline.
6. Calling your child names as a form of discipline is the most effective way to discipline, next to spanking.
7. Temperatures below 75 are freezing cold, and you should complain about it incessantly to everyone you see.
8. Temperatures above 76 are unbearably hot and you should complain about it incessantly to everyone you see.
9. If you use the bathroom with the door closed, you might die in there and nobody will be able to get to you.
10. If you take a bath or shower while you are sick, it will cause your illness to grow into something life threatening.
11. It is medically necessary to eat at least four pieces of white bread with each meal.
12. If it is below 90 degrees outside, you must take a jacket, or you will catch cold.
13. Putting your child on time-out is hideous child abuse.
14. One small glass of water per day is "a lot of water."
15. If you are over 70, anything you say or do is acceptable and justifiable.
.
47 comments:
Is someone picking on Elsa? Jason would never let anyone do that. :)
So your in-laws are getting on your nerves, are they?
: )
Did you get your Whore Club gift card? If not check your spam folder, sometimes they go in there!
Nobody is picking on anybody. Just stating some facts.
#15 applies especially to my in-laws. My should they evacuate their house in the floodplain of the Red River? They actually turned off their cell phone for a while because they were tired of their 5 children and their spouses "encouraging" them to follow the mandatory evacuation order. Grrr.
Over here #11 isn't a medical thing. Its a culchie thing:)
You just explained why my grandmother can't let it go that we took the sheers and heavy drapes out of the dining room and living room windows. We actually like seeing out and letting the light in.
I'll let you know if we get robbed.
OMG, I didn't know that about the blinds or the bathroom door!
Lucky for me that I always wear shoes in the house.
Is it time for someone to leave the house????
Oh boy, I am SO guilty of #8!!!!!!
Justine :o )
Tsk Tsk... giggle.
GIGGLE!!!!
LOL... Never put your purse on the floor or you will run out of money.
Wonder if that's why I never have any...
I find all of them completely true and will start to make that more publicly known from this point on.
And THIS is why I love blogging! It gives you a platform to vent about whatever (whomever?) is getting on your nerves ;-)
I'm a firm believer that temperature causes illness, not germs. I mean, who has ever seen a germ? Puh-leeze.
Wow! All that time and money I spent on secondary education, and for nothing! Next you are going to tell me that kissing causes pregnancy!
LOL!
I may need to study these.....
Calling your children names? It's just character building! Right?
in turkey walking around barefoot would cause one's ovaries to freeze. i just told my friends that I didn't care if my ovaries froze. i already had 4 kids...i didn't need my ovaries anymore!
Dude. I love you. I understand.
And now I have to call my therapist and schedule a session for Monday morning.
XO
#9......Amen.
peace
#2
These are too funny. : )
You've been talking to my Grandma again, haven't you?
When are you gonna learn? Huh? When?
I coulda' told you what she was gonna say.
We could've laughed and cried about it together, and you wouldn't have had to write this post.
Just sayin'
:)
I knew I was doing everything right!!
I knew this had to do with your in-laws! Comments confirmed it for me too... You are a trooper. A hilarious trooper...
Uh-oh, I just realized that I kind of agree with #1. I am the lady that makes my husband close all the blinds and drapes before bed! AHH!!
This is a crack-up! Something funny- in relation to #3. Last night (in spite of myself) I told my best friend that she should have her coat on and she was going to catch a cold... this is all thanks to my parents and grandparents who thought low temperatures=illness. And seriously, I can't wait to be old & drive people nuts by saying ANYthing I want & younger people have to take it because I am old and that's just how it is ;)
It's only funny from the outside....I lived it from the inside and thought I was going to lose my fu^#@*g mind! I must add #16 "If you drive 1 MPH over the speed limit you are SPEEDING!" I was overjoyed when she fell asleep in the car so I could "speed" home!
Have you been speaking to my grandmother?
Heheheheheheh oh dear. My Grandmother (Oma) is like this. Also, you should LET your infants cry. It develops their lungs. ;)
In regards to #1, that is totally untrue.
Everyone knows that if you do not close your curtains and blinds at night that aliens, through little telescopes, watch you sleep.
I'm sorry. Did my in-laws escape again? I'll come get them tomorrow. ROFLMAO.
No offense, but it's nice to know someone in the same boat as me. Just wondering...how much Milk of Magnesia do they ask you to pick up at the store for them on your way home? We average about four bottles a month...sometimes more.
Now I know...
Oh, so that's why my father-in-law never shuts the bathroom door! It makes perfect sense now!
Clearly, the authors of your little known facts have attended the same educational institutions as MY in laws.
Perfect pep-talk for me. My in-laws are about to descend. Coinciding with their son being in the hospital. Hooray! Can't wait for them to instruct us with their wisdom minus my usual buffer. Sigh...I feel ya, J-dog. ;)
Aww...(giggles.)
It's funny how most of my frustration can be about one big problematic issue, and then all of the tiny, less significant pesky ones bother me much more, because of the looming, unresolved one.
It's also funny how when you live with someone you live with ALL of their quirks. (I feel much worse for my husband on this one.)
OK, if we're talking about ridiculous things issued forth as truth, let's add this one:
"Douching with Coca-Cola will prevent pregnancy".
Yes, I actually heard this as a teenager.
Not only is it completely inaccurate, but can you imagine what a sticky MESS?!?!?! Ick.
... and another one:
(I heard this from a lot of well-meaning older people when I had babies and cats living in the same house)
"You gotta get rid of those cats! It's a well known fact that cats like to smother babies!"
Yeah, it's frustrating.
Hang in there, Jason.
You are hilarious... I need to come by way more often.
What about driving to fast? Can't have you anywhere near the speed limit, those crazy speed-limit people that do that are reckless, are they trying to kill someone? Slow and steady is the way to go.
This post could have also been titled, "Why Tami moved out of her mom's house"....
Did you also know that you're not allowed to correct your child if he's running a fever? Nevermind the fact that he ran a fever for nearly 18 months straight, before he got tubes in his ears. Heavens no! ANYTHING GOES when they're sick. All of the rules go out the window! Oh, and if you dare correct him during that time? You will be told you're "RUINING HIM."
This was compliments of my mother, rather than MIL. I swear she and I never once argued until my son was born.
I laughed so hard I cried. Stop abusing your kid. Just call him some names. Name calling always works wonders!
And never put anything in your ear that is smaller than your elbow. xoxo. This is so funny.
You inspired me to do some venting of my own!! Visit my blog today! :)
Have you been talking to my mother-in-law? =)
Your inlaws really should hang out with my MIL!
# 15 is my mother. At 82, she thinks she can say or do anything and it is ok. I always cringe when my cellphone rings and I see her number in there. There are lots of things I need to rant about, about her, but my family reads my blog.
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