The Queenofphrump has graciously bestowed me with a possible employment opportunity at the Phrumpalace as the "Royal Male Brazilian Wax Technician and Manscaper." I am not entirely certain of this job's description nor which royalty I would be waxing and/or manscaping, but nonetheless here are the interview questions and my responses.
The Queenofphrump asks: How did you formally train for this, um, job position?
Jason replies: Everything I learned about manscaping I taught myself through viewing countless hours of "grown-up" films and even more countless hours practicing on my guinea pig. (Me.) I've learned to manscape any type of body hair into whimsical little creatures like unicorns or jackalopes. I can also manscape larger, thicker patches of hair into hearts, stars or even donkies.
Now waxing is a different story. All I know about waxing is what I have seen on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and other such personal makeover type programs. Oh, and of course, The 40 Year Old Virgin. But it looks easy enough, right? Just pour on the wax to the "area" and tear it off with all the vim and gusto one can muster. I've also learned that in a pinch you can use Karo Syrup and duct tape instead of wax.
The Queenofphrump asks: When working with a client what is your conversation style like?
Jason replies: I like to put a client at ease by discussing the BUSH family. Apprently in this particular family, they've taken to naming their BUSHES. There's a George, a Barbara, a George W., a Jeb, a Laura, and even twin BUSHES--a Jenna and another Barbara . I've never thought about naming my BUSH, but apparently some families do.
The Queenofphrump asks: Have you ever recommended the do-it-at home method and if so why NOT?
Jason replies: Sure! Piece a cake! In order to make home jobs simple and no-muss no-fuss, I have designed easy to use templates for the do-it-yourself manscaper/waxer. Simply press the template against the "area" and trim away the excess to reveal the above mentioned animals or shapes. For those who like a cleaner result, apply Karo syrup, allow four hours drying time, and rip away with duct tape. Easy cheesy lemon squeezy.
The Queenofphrump asks: Can you please give us the definition of a Man Shaper?
Jason replies: Actually, the correct terminology is manscaper, not man shaper. (I believe the man shaper is a piece of exercise equipment.) The word manscape is a verb meaning "to groom the hair on a man's body, such as trimming the hedges to make the house look bigger." A manscaper is either a man who does such trimming, or the piece of equipment that is used to do said grooming. Up until recently, this was a general term referring to many of the trimmers available at fine retail stores such as K-Mart, Walgreens, or Woolworth's. However, thanks to the brilliant idea of my niecester, Snoball, I have patented a new state-of-the-art trimmer with the name, "Manscaper Two Thousand."
Ummmm, did I get the job?