Have you ever eaten 17 pieces of pizza all in one sitting? I have.
Have you ever tried to do a magic trick in a cub scout pack meeting that failed miserably and everyone laughed at you so you ran out of the meeting and ran all the way home with bitter tears of humiliation running down your face? I have.
Have you ever watched a boy pull his dead dog by a rope down a dirt road ? I have.
Have you ever gone a date with a guy who literally, actually, had no neck?
Have you ever been at a stop light and looked over at the car next to you and seen Janet Jackson in the driver's seat? I have.
Have you ever done it in the heat of the desert off an I-15 exit between Baker and Barstow? I have.
Have you ever walked past the display toilets at a hardware store and seen that someone had actually used one? I have.
Have you ever gone skinny dipping in an outdoor baptismal font? I have.
Have you ever tied up your friend sitting on a chair on a very busy street and taped a sign to him that said, "Honk! It's my birthday!"? I have.
Have you ever stepped on a dead mouse in your bare feet and feel the squish of its guts between your toes? I have.
Have you ever seen a naked homeless woman run through a chicken rotisserie restaurant screaming in terror? I have.
Have you ever traveled clear to Venice, Italy and sat down at a quaint open-air cafe, only to overhear that the people sitting at the table next to you live less than 2 miles from your house? I have.
Have you ever had your father convince you that he is Jesus Christ incarnate and that Satan is out to kill him therefore he must stay off of the freeways and you don't have to finish studying for finals because you're going to be caught up in the Rapture before your tests? I have.
Have you ever had Typhoid fever while living in a place where the only toilet was a hole in the ground out back with two bricks on either side of it, with children climbing on the roofs of their houses to watch you suffer? I have.
Have you ever gone shopping at Victoria's Secret with your ex-wife's boyfriend's mother? I have.