Grandma J and Hula Hank!

Yesterday, Giancarlo, Diego, Pumpkin Delight, and I got in the car and drove down to the Fairfax district to The Grove, adjacent to the old LA Farmer's Market.

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You see, we had plans to meet none other than the delightful Grandma J, Californian turned Texan extraordinaire,

and the tall, quiet, handsome Hula Hank and his equally charming and attractive partner.
Hula Hank and his family are visiting the USA from Australia. They're here for four weeks, and they'll be traveling throughout different areas of the country. If you get a chance to meet them, I recommend it. You'll be glad you did.I've had limited (albeit fabulous!) experiences meeting fellow bloggers, and today was equally fabulous. When bloggers meet bloggers, it's like getting together with an old friend that you've never met.

Pictured left to right: Hula Hank's partner, Hula Hank, Grandma J, the son of Hula Hank and his partner, Jason, Diego, Giancarlo, and Madonna. Missing from photo: Pumpkin Delight; Absent: JLo from Almost Famous.

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What a great day!

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Your Feet Smell Like Gnocchi

"I may be wrong, but I think your feet stink."

Impossible! I had just showered. I ran into the bathroom, sat down on the edge of the tub, and stuck my foot up to my nose. Nope, no stink.

I returned and stuck my foot in his face. "Nope! They don't stink."

"Well, something stinks."

I glanced around the room and spotted the likely culprit, a dirty dish I had just put on the shelf after eating my lunch.

Apparently Giancarlo thinks leftover gnocchi with a tomato vodka cream sauce from Maggiano's smells like stinky feet.

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A Snapshot in Time

I am wearing black and gray plaid, very loose fitting boxers.

I am reading The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon .

I just finished .... I am sitting here trying to remember the book that I read before The Shadow of the Wind and I honestly can't remember. I have not been into reading lately at all. What with the computer, my itouch, the piano, and (oh, yeah) my family, I do not make the time to read anymore!

I am hearing the hum of the refrigerator in my hotel room and the distant hum of the 55 freeway.

I am learning how to use a Promethean Active Board in my classroom.

I am thankful for down time.

I am eating things that are good for my cholesterol....and I recently brought my cholesterol level from 205 to 181! I know I'm getting older because I'm blogging about CHOLESTEROL!

I am bringing beauty to my home by trying to be a loving, patient, reasonable dad while being a loving, patient, reasonable husband, while trying to be a loving, patient, reasonable son-in-law.

I've never been a fan of sports. And if you start talking professional sports, my eyes glaze over instantly. And my finger instinctively inserts itself into my nose.

Around my house is a lot of noise. Dogs barking, boy screaming and roughhousing, mother-in-law shouting, one of TWELVE phones ringing, people talking on those phones loudly, television blaring, music playing, doorbell ringing, air conditioner running, doors slamming, and the silent sound of Jason pulling his last few precious hairs right out of his head.

Outside my window is a misty fog drifting in from the coast.

I am thinking about how quickly your muscles shrivle up if you don't use them enough.

One of my favorite things is my new Itouch!!! I have finally joined the cool kids.

A few plans for the rest of the week... drive home tomorrow morning, meet up with some bloggy friends Sunday, and work like a packhorse all week long.

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I swiped this idea from my Utahn-gone-Canadian friend at Blissfully Unglued.

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90 Kids Stolen From Their Classrooms

"Last week, the LRA launched a surprise attack on a village across the border from northern Uganda and kidnapped two classrooms full of 5th and 6th graders. In the past six days, tens of thousands of people have fled their homes, fearing the rebels. Imagine the headlines an event like this would get if it happened here. 90 kids, stolen, hauled off into the forest to be used as soldiers. And yet somehow, the lives of these children go unnoticed and unmentioned by the rest of the world."

I received this email from Resolve Uganda, an organization committed to ending the travesties going on in that part of our world. It is unbelievable how this kind of thing goes on and it never even makes our national headlines.

Thank you to those very generous bloggy friends out there that have sent books to my daughter, Amelia, for her school's book drive benefitting the Invisible Children of Uganda. Some people have even sent checks instead of books! Incredible! My faith in humanity has grown in leaps and bounds this last week.

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By the way, Man Pageant was a huge success! Much more about that later.

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Dancing and Tinkling

My students and I have a deal. If they all bring their homework on time on Fridays, then I dance on the table, you know, as a reward. This has not happened for at least two years, but last week it happened! So I cranked up some Britney, danced my way up onto the front table, and danced like a freakazoid. Of course, most of the kids found it hysterical. A couple of them seemed scared. And one girl, Leanna, just couldn't get over it.

Still thinking about it about an hour later, Leanna came up to me, forcing another laugh. She said, "Mr. Show, I laughed so hard when you danced on the table, I tinkled a little!"

A New Beginning

This weekend Claire and Dennis remarried at the fabulous Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel. It marked a new beginning for them and all of our family.

They wanted something fun and light, short and sweet. And that's exactly what they got! As soon as all of the guest were seated, the theme from 2001 Space Odyssey boomed into the small crowd as "smoke" blasted into the front from behind a grotto. Then all attention was directed to the back of the chapel as a sliver of light shone through the oversized doors.
Lo and behold, a big pink Cadillac drifted dramatically into the chapel. . .
parked. . .
and the bride and groom were ushered to the front, serenaded, and married by none other than Elvis Presley, himself.


Outside the marquis announced their nuptials in true Las Vegas fashion. . . bright lights.

If you've never been to a wedding at Viva Las Vegas, you're missing out on one of life's best experiences!

Here's wishing Claire and Dennis peace and happiness!
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By the way, look who got married just before Claire and Dennis:

Not sure who Russ and Greg are, but we wish them great happiness, too!

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Ex Marks the Spot, Vol. II

The Jason Show. Touting guest posts from Claire, Jason's ex, since 2008.

Man Pageant

This kid of mine, Amelia, is onto something big. I have bragged about her before but today she continues to baffle my senses in her efforts to raise money for the children of Uganda or better known as ICU.

This week she will be showing the newest film to the entire student body of her high school in Valencia. That will be topped off with a fundraiser event on Thursday.....A Man Pageant. That's my girl!

In addition to raising money there has also been a book drive effort formed recently. This will take great effort for Amelia to win this contest so let's all help her do it!
Mail all lonely books in your possession to Amelia by post and I will reimburse you for the cost. That will be my addition to her aid.

You can email me for her mailing address cchizma@mac.com .... and I will send you a check for your mailing expense.

These can be any book. Children's books, adult books, how to books, self help books, home repair books, recipe books. Just any books you have no longer a need for.
And if you want to pass along this message to people you like...do it!
Let's help Amelia and ICU this month.

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Learning to Crawl

Every time Elijah reaches a developmental milestone, it's double the celebration!

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The Mighty B

Maybe it's because I work with kids, but I'm not particularly fond of watching kids' movies or kids' shows on my own time. Of course, with a four year old I end up doing it anyway, which is fine, but if I had my druthers, I wouldn't.

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Until now. This show totally cracks me up. Diego loves it, and I love it. He finds it interesting and funny, and I find it interesting and funny. And if I didn't have a four year old I think I would still want to watch this show. . . all on my own.

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The Mighty B

And look who is the creative genius behind the show! None other than the very witty Amy Poehler! She also provides the lispy voice of Bessy Higgenbottom, the main character.
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Speaking of adults watching kids' shows, have I ever told you that Ines, Diego's nanny, watches Wow Wow Wubbzy all by herself in her room at 9:00 at night? Um, yeah, she's like, 29.

Hiatus Thoughts

“What’s wrong?”

“Is everything okay?”

“What’s going on?”

“Why aren’t you writing anymore?”

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These were the types of emails and phone calls that I have been getting since The Jason Show went on hiatus.

The truth is…I’ve been in denial about something that most bloggers usually admit earlier in the game than I. I didn’t think it would ever happen to me. There was a time that I could write post after post after post, lickety split. There was a time that I had up to ten posts prepared and ready to go, just waiting in queue. I smugly scoffed at those bloggers who wrote about having nothing to write.

“Why write just to say that you have nothing to write?”

So rather than doing this, I put my head in the sand and went on hiatus instead.

After a couple of weeks of hiatus, the dreaded two words began forming themselves more clearly in my mind, taking shape amongst the ironic cloudiness of my dry spell. As they have come into focus, I have been able to contemplate them and give myself counsel.

Writer’s Block

Every morning in my classroom, we start the day with a bit of journal writing. Some days I give my students a prompt, some days I do not. When I allow my kids to choose their own topic, some of them jump in with great gusto and write all kinds of things, no trouble at all. Others will sit and stare at their blank page, or off into space. Most finally think of something to write. However, there have been occasions that I have to give my “Things You Could Write About” speech. And, since this is your lucky day, and because I must illustrate my point that there is ALWAYS something to write about, you will now be dazzled by Mr. Show’s “Things You Could Write About” speech.

Ahem. (Big, exaggerated, deep breath.)
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You could write about yourself.
You could write about your hair.
You could write about your friends.
You could write about air.
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You could write about the sun.
You could write about the moon.
You could write about stars.
You could write about a goon.
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You could write about gloves.
You could write about socks.
You could write about pencils.
You could write about crocs.
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You could write about food.
You could write about toys.
You could write about games.
You could write about noise.
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You could write about songs.
You could write about the zoo.
You could write about candy.
You could write about you!
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You could write about math.
You could write about school.
You could write about maps.
You could write about the school. . . .
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Do you get my point? This speech/poem goes on as long as I feel necessary, until they get the point. And the poem is never the same twice.
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It took me a while throughout this hiatus to get the point, too. Sometimes you look too hard for something to write about. Usually it is write there staring you in the face, and it doesn’t have to be absolutely hysterical or unbelievably upsetting to be interesting, meaningful, and worthwhile.
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We’re BACK!

Step Away From the Blog

Sometimes, and I'm sure you know what I mean, you just have to put the laptop down and walk away. . . before you go and blog about something that you'll regret.

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Pink Crepe Paper Invades Suburban Home

Baby shower is held. New niece-in-law on the way. Mother-in-law hosts.

Family excited. Many invited. Mother-in-law decorates heart out. Son and Son-in-law cringe simultaneously.
Mother-in-law purchases pink crepe paper. Copious amounts brought home. Stretchy stuff creatively placed. Additional pink decorations purchased and hung.
Party favors prepared. Pink crepe paper surrounds. Pink wash cloth inside mesh bags. Guests want single pink wash cloth?
Pink crepe paper draped from odious horse lamp.
Pink crepe paper strung from fake tree branches.

Pink crepe paper decorates door pulls and range hood.
Old guys sit excitedly beneath pink crepe paper decoration.
Pink paper plates scotch taped to adorn guest bath.
Son-in-law gasps audibly upon seeing sight.

Piles of babies found.

Babies in piles give Son-in-law creeps.
Creeped out Son-in-law finds macabre piled up babies grotesquely funny. Son-in-law giggles to self. Son-in-law takes photos.

Prior to shower pink balloons and floral door blessing mysteriously disappear from front yard. Mother-in-law makes Son-in-law hunt in yard. No balloons or door blessing found. Hooligan neighbor boy blamed. Mother-in-law insists police be contacted. Son-in-law hems and haws. Son-in-law refuses to call police over floral door blessing and wilted balloons.

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Then, the Son-in-law wonders aloud who in Sam Hill would bother to steal four pink, droopy balloons and an old dusty floral decoration that's been hanging on the wall for like ten years and can't imagine the no-good neighbor boy who fishes in the lake and makes the Son-in-law's husband angry enough about it to call the security company would actually go to the trouble of lifting a silk flower decoration off the front door of a baby shower so it remains a mystery until somebody heard all the ruckus being made about the stolen items and said party confesses the truth to the Son-in-law.

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CONTEST OPENS FOR BLOG READERS. SOLVE CRIME AND GET PRIZE. ONE PILE OF BABIES TO BE MAILED TO FIRST READER TO SOLVE CRIME.

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Watch Out For Mrs. Koo

Today a new substitute teacher showed up on campus. I didn't recognize her until I was right next to her. She was actually one of my students from the beginning of my teaching career. I was shocked! I have been recognizing former students working at Home Depot, El Pollo Loco, and the carwash I frequent, but this was a new one.

Seeing her, let's call her Greneldagard, seeing Greneldagard brought back a whole flood of memories regarding her mother. You see, Greneldagard's little sister, Grezeldagard, was also in my class a few years later, and their mother was an active room mother and PTA parent, so I had many interactions with her over the course of those years. Her name was Mrs. Koo.

Mrs. Koo was quirky. She was a diminutive, mousy, yet edgy woman who spoke in a nasally voice, became outraged at strange things, and had a husband who was almost seven feet tall and almost seven feet wide and he sported a beard that hadn't been trimmed for almost seven years.

She was arch enemies with another room mother in Greneldagard's class. They had been feuding for ages. Perhaps because this other room mother, named Mrs. Hanover, spent so much time in my classroom, Mrs. Koo assumed the worst and began spreading rumors to other parent volunteers that Mrs. Hanover and I were having a torrid affair. Mrs. Hanover and I found this quite amusing.

One day we were having a class pizza party, and both Mrs. Koo and Mrs. Hanover were there helping out. Students were up out of their seats eating pizza and socializing when Mrs. Hanover came to me with panicked eyes, pointing to the other side of the room.

Mrs. Koo was bending over with a twisted, angry expression on her face, pointing at one of my female students. "You stay away from my daughter on the playground or I'm gonna kick yer ASS!!!"

I shot a horrified look at Mrs. Hanover and as I stumbled to reach Mrs. Koo, she did an about face and stormed out the door.

Turns out this girl was bothering Greneldagard on the playground. Nobody told me about it, this was the first I had heard. But Greneldagard told her mother and she decided to take the law into her own hands.

So now I'm telling all the other teachers at my school that they had better be nice to the new substitute teacher, Greneldagard. Otherwise Mrs. Koo might chase them down and kick their ass!

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Soup's On!

Each week The Jason Show sends scouts out into the blogosphere, scouring blogs both well-known and yet-to-be-discovered for those single lines that are attention grabbers. Single sentences that resonate for their element of humor, touch of the bizarre, or ability to provoke thought are prestigiously linked to their author, in hopes that viewers of The Jason Show like you will be able to savor a serving of Single Sentence Soup just as our scouts have.

"Note the white sauce in the picture stuff in the picture above...it's amazing. I think it's God's pee or something."

"Since the evolution of the stinging vagina tentacle in 2711, straight vaginal sex has been deemed impossible for all but the most masochistic of men. "





“My mommy says I can’t pee outside anymore because my penis will get sunburned.”



"As I was putting the wine boxes on the end (yes, boxes, plural, shut up), I backed up a step (a single step!!) and bumped into her. "



"These odors I call my Womanicotti."

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Lost in Translation

When I was learning Spanish I found myself frequently getting words confused. . . mistaking one for the other and ending up saying something completely unintended.

Here are some of my best:

What I said in Spanish:

"Tengo alguien en mi pierna."

What I should have said:

Tengo algo en mi pierna.

What it meant:

"I have somebody on my leg."

What I really wanted to say:

I have something on my leg.

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What I said in Spanish:

"A mi me gusta comer los camarotes."

What I should have said:

A mi me gusta comer los camotes.

What it actually meant:

"I like eating bunkbeds."

What I really meant:

I like eating yams.

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What I said in Spanish:

Por favor, traeme el papel unigenito.

What I should have said:

Por favor, traeme el papel higienico.

What I actually said.

"Please bring me the only begotten toilet paper."

What I was trying to say:

Please bring me the toilet paper.

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What I said in Spanish:

"Estoy tan embarazado!"

What I should have said:

Estoy tan avergonzado.

What my words actually meant:

"I am so pregnant!"

What I really wanted to say:

I am so embarrassed!

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What I said in Spanish:

"Yo tengo 19 anos." (Without a mark above the n in "anos".)

What I meant to say:

Yo tengo 19 anos. (With a mark above the n in "anos".)

What my words actually meant:

"I have nineteen anuses."

What I was trying to convey:

I am nineteen years old.

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What I said in Spanish:

"Las unas son unas de mis frutas favoritas."

What I should have said:

Las uvas son unas de mis frutas favoritas.

What I really said:

"Toenails are one of my favorite fruits."

What I wanted to say:

Grapes are one of my favorite fruits.

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And the best one of all:

What I said in Spanish:

Tiene un pene? Necesito penarme."

What I really should have said:

Tiene un peine? Necesito peinarme.

What atrocity came out of my mouth?

"Do you have a penis? I need to penis myself."

What I meant to say:

Do you have a comb? I need to comb my hair.

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I Got My Butt Kicked

Last night I was slumbering peacefully in my bed when suddenly I felt someone kick me hard in the butt! I bolted upright and looked around, my wide eyes half expecting someone to be standing on the bed with their butt kicking boots on. But nothing. Giancarlo was sleeping soundly. And Diego was too. (Yes, yes, I know, he's four and half. I KNOW.)

Bewildered, I laid back down.

A minute later Giancarlo said, "Did I just kick you in the butt?"

"Uh, yeah, ya did."

"I'm sorry!"

"That's okay. It didn't hurt. Too much."

"It's a good thing we don't keep a gun in our room, huh?"

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