Cat Encounter of the Worst Kind

There is nothing worse than mating cats. Irresponsible pet owner that I was, my cats had not yet been fixed. Getting them fixed was something that nagged me constantly at the back of my mind, yet I never seemed to get around to it.

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One evening as I was preparing for the next day and getting ready for bed, my cat Tommie (named Tommie because we actually thought she was a boy up until just prior to this episode) began making it very evident that she was in heat. Tommie waited by the French doors in my bedroom, leaning with her rear high in the air and practically screaming to be let out, certainly in hopes of finding a male cat. I tried distracting her with food and toys. I tried petting her. I tried ignoring her. I tried scolding her into being quiet. I tried closing her in the other room. All of this just seemed to make her howling even more urgent. I turned out the lights and got into bed. Her cries got louder. I resolved to ignore her and make an appointment the very next day to have her spayed. I put a pillow over my head. I thought happy thoughts. I hummed loudly. Tommie’s screams began to sound unnervingly human. Midnight came. Midnight went. Finally, in my late-night, sleep-deprived delirium, I flung open the door next to my bed and barked, “Fine! Go! Just leave me alone!” With that I slammed the door, flopped into bed and drifted off.

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Twenty minutes later I was awakened by a scratching at the door accompanied by supplicating, almost penitent meowing. Figuring she had been satisfied, I let her back in and went back to sleep. No sooner had I started dreaming when she began her insistent screams once again. Completely fed up, I barreled out of bed, opened the door, let her out, and left the door open. “Fine!” I spat. “Come and go as you please, but let me sleep!”Agitated, yet certain that I would be able to sleep uninterrupted, I eventually drifted off again.

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The next thing I knew, I was unceremoniously yanked out of my slumber by the most horrifying shrieking and hissing that I had ever heard, followed by a flurry of cats and fur tearing through the door, around my room, and onto my bed! Disoriented in the darkness, I sat up and screamed like a terrified woman, only to be silenced by a strange warm liquid splattering suddenly across my face and chest, then on to my comforter and wall. The cats were now on my body, doing their dirty deed, on my body! I sat in shock with my mouth open and my eyes wide. At last, I snapped out of it, pushing the cats off of me and chasing them out the door with a slam.

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Tommie returned the morning, leisurely smoking a cigarette, doing the walk of shame. And a few weeks later, Tommie had four cute little furry kittens. A few weeks after that, I finally had her fixed!

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Moral of the story: As Bob Barker says, “Help control the pet population. Be a responsible pet owner and have your pet spayed or neutered!”

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