I'm not sure why, but I was so surprised by some of your reactions to my recent post, A Dip in the Rollercoaster Ride about me sending pictures of Elijah to Nathan in jail. Some commented that I am kind and big hearted. Some seemed outraged that we are even in contact with him at all, let alone sending him pictures and treating him like a member of the family.
I go so back and forth in my feelings about Nathan. One minute I feel intensely sorry for him and I want to help him all I can. The next minute I feel nothing but rage toward him. Then I loathe him. Then later I feel my heart opening up and trying to understand where he comes from, and how someone could do such a horrendous thing to a tiny baby. Then I get really mad at his parents, and I reconsider all of the tales Nathan has told me over the past year about them, and how I shrugged off so many of those things because it seemed like he was blaming all of his troubles on them, and making excuses for himself.
He is so alone. His family has not contacted him once since the incident. He has nobody. When he is released, which has still yet to be determined, he will be required to stay in Los Angeles county for three years. Where will he go? He will have no money, a criminal record with a felony on it, and the whole world will be rightly disgusted by him. Does he deserve that? To be alone? Perhaps. What he did was dispicable. Heinous. Cowardly. Revolting. And so on.
But the thing is, he is so mild. He never, ever raised his voice. He is well-spoken. He was a ballroom dancer, for crying out loud. In all of my observations, he only treated Elijah with tenderness. He worked hard for his family. He worked hard to earn his GED because he wanted Elijah to be proud of him. He has always dealt with Hilary respectfully. He was happy to be a daddy.
Until.
Until.
Until.
Until the unthinkable happened.
.
And now he is remorseful, cooperative, and wants to do anything he can to try to remedy the situation, although that is, well, impossible.
.
He has asked us if, when he is released, whether it be in weeks, months, or years, if he could stay with us. Until he gets back on his feet again. Of course, Elijah wouldn't be here.
.
I can already imagine what some of you may say, but. . . what would you do?
.
43 comments:
Jason, what if God forbid the actions Nathan did took your grandson's life? Would you be asking the same questions? Still feeling this way towards him? Would you even think about inviting him into your home?
You said he was mild, how could he be so mild yet be in the situation at hand? Children are not easy to raise by any means, but a baby? What did that little boy do to deserve any of this?
If it were me, he would suffer the consequences at hand. Would I help him? Absolutely not. Feel sorry for him? No way. This was not a grown man he had a confrontation with, this was his infant son. I would not be able to look at him without wanting to do harm to him.
But this is me. You, are not me. You have your own reasons for wanting to maybe help him. Only you know the answer.
#2
What would I do? I would not be able to continue contact with someone who could hurt a child. You say he is mild. Isn't that always what they say about serial murderers? They interview the neighbors and they say, "But he was so meek, and quiet, and well ... likeable." Obviously, he has rage inside him or he could not have done what he did. What you choose to do can only be determined by you. But you asked what I would do? And the answer is - have no contact, at all, ever.
I would think that by having Nathan in your house it would prevent Elijah from being there.
I appreciate your willingness to forgive and help him, but shouldn't he try to help himself first?
I don't know. On one hand how can something so horrible ever be forgotten?
But I surely can see the side that everyone involved would hope and pray that he can be helped. That he can change. That he is truly remorseful.
I think back to the days of having an infant, it's not easy and I was in the best of places, able to stay home with my babies, no money worries, in a great relationship, planned my pregnancies etc. etc. And yet, it was hard when they just would not STOP CRYING! So I find myself having empathy when hearing these types of stories for those parents who are younger, who are thrust into parenthood, studying, working extra hours to pay bills, worrying about how the next bill will get paid, and then the baby WILL NOT STOP CRYING.
In the long run you of course have got to do what your heart tells you to.
OMG. I think that all of you will need help in getting over this one, in helping each other. Nathan, I don't know, I don't know him...he sounds like he would be a ta cross-roads. What he did WAS heinous. Does that mean he should have no chance? I don't know, I cannot bring myself to say no. I don't know if I could have him live with me, in my house, with other family members, especially if it meant the Elijah couldn't be there. By the same token, does the man deserve some help so that he can try to recoup something from the disaster? Help and support and interest, maybe some forgiveness. I think maybe. I too can agree with Karen, it can be so so so hard, and I too was older, educated, and had huge support with my babies and very very little stress; and sometimes it was hard. That said, he stepped over a line, which most don't.
Help him, yes. Trust him with my kids and family in the house? Myaybe not.
It's incredibly tough. I would seek help from folks who are more experienced than I imagine (and hope) most of us are.
I have read a few of your posts and I LOVE your blog. I have been praying for Elijah and Hilary and Claire and Nathan. Forgiveness is healing(and SO hard!) I hope you would be able to help him since you are all he has. I would understand if you couldn't, but I would hope that you could. I hope your school year is wonderful. Many blessings.
WOW... just found your blog (don't know how I've missed it as you've many of my faves in your blogroll). Amazing place.
I was a teen Mom and many of your recent postings really hit home with me. When Hollywood makes movies like Knocked Up & Juno, they create a false sense (imagine that!) of teenage parenting. It was HARD. I was a much better mother to my third child (born when I was 25). Does this young man not have any family? We couldn't have made it without our supportive families (still married 27 years later).
This post makes idioms like "cast the first stone" and "glass houses" come to mind.
Glad I found you :-)
Jason, I have worked with abuse children for more than 2 decades, and I think that child abuse is incredibly heinous, and it wounds for years to come.
The children that survive deal with the effects for years, if not a lifetime. The physical wounds will heal, but it's the emotional harm that lingers.
One major way that abused children suffer, is from the belief that their parents are "bad", which often makes them feel "bad".
To treat Nathan as a human being, to care about him, to recognize his frailities, but also his strengths....will bring much healing to Diego!
Im not saying that you forget what he has done. Not at all. You now know, that this mild mannered person can snap under pressure (and Hello! this guy had some real pressure in his life, not to mention, it sounds like an upbringing without a strong foundation.)
I dont know if I would let him live with me, because as people mentioned, it may prevent Elijah from staying over, and, as cute as Diego is, even cute kids can get on someone's nerves.
Whatever you do, establish some firm boundaries. Whether it be with visits, living arrangements....etc. only you can decide....and his therapist and Probation officer should be able to give some recommendations or some insight.
I would definitely make sure he was in counseling....if it's not court ordered, one way you can support him, is to help pay for good therapy. AND, at some point, if he returns to the family home, make sure that regular therapy is in the mix, and some family sessions too.
The reason you are special, the reason I love your blog, and Id probably love you too, if I had actually met you (teasing)...is because you are a caring person. You are able to recognize that nobody is perfect, and that sometimes good people do bad things . Again...keep up strong boundaries and protect those that need it....but you would do a lot of good for Elijah, if you continued to look at his dad as a mild guy, who loves his son...but who has some problems that need to be worked out.
hugs!
ok, I meant ELIJAH would have healing ...not Diego....but I think you know what I meant.
And, by the way, it is a healthy thing to share with Nathan, that you love and care for him, that you appreciate the love and respect he has shown Hillary....that you admire his dancing skills...but that you need to protect the children.
You can still love and support him, and still have healthy boundaries.
I dont know what i would do Jason, just reminding you we are here.
Big hug for all of you
Carli xxx
You already know how I feel about this. Should you help Nathan so that he won't be living on the street? Sure. Should you let the child abuser live in your home? No! I love you, I know you'll make the right decision.
I don't know what I would do but I do know that you are gracious and kind and that you have an amazing heart.
HSH's answer sounded pretty good to me. Your family is in my prayers.
You are really amazing, Jason. Snd so are your commenters. What a diverse range of feelings and wisdom - even comments that are at extreme opposite ends of the issue are still well thought out and rational, rather than emotional and condemning.
I agree with those who say you shouldn't take him into your home - he should learn that's a consequence of his act - and yet I also agree with those who admire your impulse to help him.
Because he needs help. And if he's not going to get it from someone as close to the situation as you, how can he? I think he needs to work very hard on his anger management and work to gain peoples' trust again - not necessarily to be with Elijah again, but to be with the family of human beings again.
Best wishes.
g at doves2day.blogspot.com
I don't really mind so much you reaching out and helping him through the healing process, but as for staying with you . . . No.
I don't think it's a good idea.
One day that beautiful baby boy is going to grow up and he's going to do some digging around and he's going to want the heroes in his life to be the ones who stood up for him and only him when he needed them.
I know that seems harsh, but that's how I feel.
On the other hand, after having kept my almost 3 month old grand baby for a few days in a row, I have to tell you, I have found a stress and frustration level that I didn't even know I had. Thankfully (?) I have lashed out at Mom #2 most often, but I was surprised that the rage was even there, because it's really not like me at all. It's almost (ALMOST) easy to see how someone who is ill equipped and unprepared for parenthood could lose their temper and do something uncharacteristic and unnecessary in a heated split second.
This is not to forgive or condone what happened, but after the past few weeks around this house, I can certainly see life from both sides of the fence.
So, now I've been of absolutely no help to you. Follow your conscience and your heart. No one has to answer for you but you.
Good luck. It's a toughie.
Oh sweetie..I missed a couple of posts and I'm sorry to hear about the babies health challanges. Thoughts and prayers are with you..and him. If any family in the world could deal/cope and give a baby what they need it's your family..extended as it is..it's amazing that baby is so lucky to have all of you.
Your son in law? I have NO idea how or what I would feel towards him. Forgiveness or acceptance (or whatever word that is that I've been looking for) is a HUGE thing to be able to do..and if that is right for you who is anyone to judge? I have no idea what I personally would do, I haven't been in your shoes and pray to God I never will be. Your heart and head knows what is best for your family.
xoxo {{{hugs}}}
Jason, you are in a pickle here.
My thoughts are that he did abuse his son. That is the worst thing to do. But I also believe he most likely did this out of frustration, from not knowing how to react to his frustration. This is something we have to learn, usually from our parents and it sounds like his parents DID not do their job.
I would think, that if he were in your home, he would not have this same anger towards your children or you for that matter. Does that make sense?
I remember when I first had my baby, I would get frustrated with the crying and NOT know how to fix it aside from getting angry myself. But I would never had gotten angry at someone else...I just felt it was all on my shoulders at the time. (don't worry, I never hurt my kids.)
I hate to think of him with no where to go and NO ONE to help him right his wrongs and try to make a better life for himself.
He still has time in his life to be a better person. Maybe not a dad to Elija, but still be a good person in society.
I would not write him off yet.
good luck in your decisions.
Wow, what a question. Forgiveness is one thing and he may deserve just that like anyone else. But to stay with you is another thing. I am not sure if you have mentioned this but if his parents are still alive, shouldn't he really become a man and mend his relationship with them, and ask them for help. If you can forgive him for what he has done, he should forgive whatever issues lie between him & his own parents and then ask them for help. This would be a true sign of growing up & learning & important before he ever becomes a parent to another child in this lifetime. I don't think he should live with you.
Jason everyone has said everything I have thought. Your kindness and empathy for Nathan are what make you the person you are.
Nathan has to deal with his own demons, what most people witness on the outside of others is usually far from what is going on in their mind. There are places for Nathan to go, half way houses for example.
Yes his future is not as bright as it once was but this was his own doing and how bright is Elijah's future going to be now?
You do what YOU feel you must not what is the popular consensus.
What makes your mind clear and heart happy is all that matters.
I've been reading your blog for some time, though I'm not a blogger myself (I was recommended to your blog by a friend). This post finally moved me to comment - I believe that love and forgiveness are always more powerful, more effective, AND more protective than fear and anger - this is not some easy philosophy that I have arrived at, but one that, as most human beings past the age of 30, I have had to come to through struggle, wrestle with and even fail with sometimes. Love and forgiveness do not require one enormous step, rather they are like stairs - one move forward builds to another. I don't think you have to commit to taking him into your home, but you have already begun the climb upward. All you have to ask yourself is what is the next small step up. Maybe it is just you providing help to him in finding somewhere safe to stay where you can be involved in his life, but where you don't have him in the same home with Elijah and Diego. Climbing stairs takes time - we can't just teleport to the next landing. People do heal - even people who have negative behaviors. The ones who heal mostly seem to have people in their lives who love them - the actions those people take to assist them vary. I don't believe that once an abuser, always an abuser, but I do believe we have to be careful with our children. You are an inspiring human being - a good reminder that difficulties and obstacles do not have to make us jaded, but instead can make us more passionate, compassionate, and wise. Thank you for sharing your stories.
As you recall we had a baby abuse situation in our family. Baby almost died. Intestines ruptured, head injuries, and broken ribs. Mom or dad or both abused that baby. They regained custody over a year later and she got knocked up again. The new baby was DEAD within two months.
In my book no second chances. If you can harm a child, animal or other defenseless creature you are evil. I don't care if your mom beat you up when you were little. I don't care if you have pent up rage from your childhood. That's the same excuse people give to child molesters. He can't help it, it was done to him
You have to step up accept the consequences for your actions.
I would be so afraid letting that person in my house. What kind of message does that send to Nathan? Worse, what message does that send to Elijah?
I am rambling.
I'm going to answer your question before I read everyone else's answers because I suspect I may feel differently than most - although I might be wrong.
I would most likely help Nathan were I to be in your shoes. The help would come with strings attached, the most obvious and non-negotiable would be intensive counseling for Nathan for anger-management as well as the unspoken issues you are alluding to. Intensive meaning two or three times a week with a sincere effort on Nathan's part to work hard - harder than he has ever worked at anything in his life - at repairing himself into an adult who will not lose control of himself in such a manner ever ever again. This type of therapy, possibly combined with drug therapy for any underlying medical mental health issues, is what he needs more than anything. It is excruciatingly difficult, not just a 'sit and talk about your feelings for an hour twice a week' but deep, intensive, gut-wrenching therapy that will leave him feeling drained at the end of every session. There would be other conditions of course, the primary that he not be alone with any children ever - until further notice. Probably for years and years.
My feeling is that if someone has mental health issues that are treatable and potentially solvable, every attempt must be made to help them to get well.
Another thing I have to point out is that Nathan is so so young. I speak as someone who had her first child five months after her 20th birthday and then had twins 18 months after that. I did not have issues with controlling my anger and frustration, but the anger and frustration was there. If I hadn't been raised the way I was by the parents I was, I don't know that I wouldn't have ended up in Nathan's situation. I also didn't have the pressures of financial worries or having to work a job in addition to that of Mom. Husband is 12 years older than me and had oceans of patience, I had the stamina, we balanced each other well. I also had my Mom & Stepdad, Dad & Stepmom, cousins and best friend all available to help. Nathan and Hilary have you but you are Hilary's family no matter how supportive and including you are - and it must hurt Nathan to not have the same thing. It also sounds like maybe he didn't have the luxury of a loving, supportive family growing up to help him navigate his feelings and emotions as a child without losing control.
Scientists say our brains are not fully matured until we are 25. Now that I'm past that age, I think there is little doubt they are correct. Nathan is young and immature but if you think there is a good man there waiting to emerge if he could just get some help then I say extend that aid to him. You certainly know him beyond the actions that landed him and the rest of you in this situation and I can't think of anyone who didn't do something stupid and reckless and hurtful to others when they were young. Yes Nathan hurt his child, could have killed him, and he is paying for that and will continue to pay for that for the rest of his life. He will have to look Elijah in the eye at some point in his life and explain himself. His family and friends will probably never trust him completely again and I suspect he has lost many friends and family members forever. But if it were me, I would help him. If I thought he could grow beyond this and become a good person, I would help him.
That's my answer to your question.
I think you are in an incredibly tough situation. To me, it would depend on how Hilary feels about it. While I in no way condone what happened, I can see how it could. I was a young parent, and lord, you can feel so incredibly overwhelmed at times, and you don't know how to do things and there's no money, and everything piles up. I can see how it could happen.
I'm sorry you are in this position, to have to deal with such things. The horror of dealing with the person who hurt your grandson, balanced with the horror Nathan is facing, brought on by himself. I don't think that, as far as him staying with you, there is a right or wrong choice, and there isn't an easy choice either.
Jason, I'm not going to answer your question because there is no right answer. No matter what your decision is there will be those who think you are making a terrible mistake, there will be self doubt, and there will be pain. Either way.. I can't say this enough... you will not know if you are making the right choice and you may never know.
I don't know Nathan but what he has done and the pain he has caused are things I fear I may someday hear that my son has done. My son is intelligent and eloquent, he is a young man capable of great things who impresses everyone who meets him... he is also violent, deceptive, manipulative and self serving, especially if he is asked to put aside his own desires for someone else. Fortunately most people won't see that side of him but I fear for his future family.
Do you know Nathan's parents? Has anyone asked them why they haven't contacted him? Of course there are terrible parents out there and they may be as awful as he says... or they may have simply been unable to help a kid who didn't see anything wrong with his behavior. We've recieved several phone calls from people who never bothered to ask us anything about our kid before they welcomed him to move in with them but are now outraged that they weren't warned about how bad he can be. The sad thing is that I don't know what I would say if someone did ask up front, because I am still hoping that he will someday change and I don't want to be a reason for his failure.
There are no easy answers. Nathan may be a good kid who made a tragic mistake or there may be more to the story. You owe it to everyone involved to get as much information as possible before you make a decision.
I haven't read the other comments and maybe I'll change my mind if I do read them... which is why I'm typing this first.
I'd let him stay. I'd let him stay because he's a part of your family whether he has done something wretchedly horrible or not. He is Elijah's dad and Hilary's husband and he is human.
I would never leave him alone with a small child ever again, but I would let him stay. I don't know if you'll ever be able to truly forgive him, especially if Elijah's condition turns out to be worse. I firmly believe, though, that absolutely nothing good comes from turning your back on people when they are truly in need.
Now I'm off to read comments (and maybe comment again after I'm done).
After reading the comments...
Nathan will always be Elijah's father and Elijah needs to know that his father is not a monster. For his own sake. Because like it or not, Elijah and Nathan are connected and part of Elijah's self-worth will be based on the way Nathan is portrayed to him.
I stand by my opinion that you should accept Nathan back into your family. He should undergo therapy, he should not be allowed to be alone with small children EVER, he should learn how to deal with anger. It seems to me that his heart is where it should be and yours is, too.
I don't believe that helping someone who has made such a horrible mistake in any way excuses the mistake itself. How can he become a better person if no one gives him a chance?
I recently found your blog through the blog Twenty four at heart and I have to come out of lurking to tell you what a beautiful person you are. I have read many of your past posts and I am in awe of your open and loving heart.
Your response to this young man comes as no surprise to me because of what you have shown in the things you write...it flows through everything you write.
I look at this situation a little bit differently than most people will. I almost fear speaking my feelings on this because I don't want to be misunderstood by you or anyone else that would read my comment. I come to this with the perspective of someone that hasn't always done the right things. In fact I have done some really bad things in my life. I will always regret them...I will always remember them...but, I can't ever go back and undo them. Have I paid the price? Yes, in more ways than anyone will ever know.
I could list all the reasons, factors, excuses...whatever you want to call them for why I made wrong choices or for my actions...but, it doesn't matter because I did them..bottom line.
I have taken responsibility for those things and they are now a part of my past...I am not that person anymore...far from it actually. The things that got me from there to here, are love, forgiveness and grace...there is more but those things were the foundation for my being able to change. If someone had not given me that first chance to show that I had changed, that I had worked hard to be free of those things, then I would not be here now.
I had to earn trust back...there was a lot of blood, sweat and tears that went into working my way back. The people that gave me the chance to live again taught me major life lessons...ones that I still carry with me today. What I did wasn't as "bad" as what this young man did...but it is the same concept in the sense that to the people I wronged and hurt, I was the "bad" person.
I have come to know that in each one of us, is the capability for "badness". We can each say "I would never do this or I would never do that". But, how do you know unless your put in that persons shoes, in that situation, that you would be capable of not doing just that?
When I first started on the road to having my life redeemed, it was grace...undeserved forgiveness that taught me and enabled me to get up each day and keep moving forward. I believe with all my heart that this young man will need this in order to change his life for the good. I also believe with all my heart that people can change and that if allowed, good can still come from their lives.
Only you can know if you are suppose to be one of those people offering this to him. I have read and seen stories where the parent, child, sibling of a murder victim has reached out to the person that killed their loved ones...amazing stories of how grace and love healed people on both sides.
I am not saying you should take this young man in...I'm just saying there is nothing wrong with reaching out to him with love and forgiveness in the ways you feel is right for you and your loved ones. Bless you for your beautiful heart.
You're in a tough spot, to be sure. I think your willingness to even consider helping Nathan speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.
I totally get wanting to help him get on his feet when that time comes. With that said, I would not let Nathan stay in my home. The fact that he was so mild (and I'm guessing, unpredictable) is one of the things that's so scary. Even though Elijah wouldn't be there, Diego would be. That would make me extremely nervous and would be reason enough for me to not allow Nathan to stay in my home.
I sincerely hope that Nathan gets the help necessary to be able to deal with his emotions/thoughts/past/what happened/etc.
Your family continues to be in my thoughts as you go through this ordeal.
I will remain anonymous but linked to your blog thru a serious of connections and have been reading for about a month...Maybe there is a way that you can be a source of support to Nathan without having him live with you. Some of your decisions may be affected by court proceedings...so it might be good to wait until more of that side has unfolded before you decide how to handle things. This is a terrible situation for your family to be in and there are clearly no easy answers. Hopefully a sort of "middle ground" will emerge where you can protect Elijah but not feel as though you are abandoning Nathan. I can't imagine the swirl of emotions you must be going through and I wish you the gifts of wisdom, courage and clarity as you face these difficult decisions.
When Jason came home in 1995 and told me he was gay, my life changed. When the phone rang June 16th and I was told Elijah had been hurt, my life changed. These two incidents are far from similar but the way this family makes things work is the same. We must diligently make decisions that are correct for the people directly involved and affected by the situation while understanding that what we do now carries great weight on how things will be forever in our tomorrows.
Diligently keeping our thoughts toward healing and reorganizing family structure, while maintaining solidarity is so important. It does not matter what everyone else thinks of what we do. Just as it did not matter then what anyone thought of what we did. We did and we do what makes things work for our family.
I lost almost every friend I had in 1996. Had I thrown Jason out of my house and claimed some christian righteousness toward homosexuality it would have destroyed my family. My girls would have learned intolerance and may have lost the benefit of a great relationship to their dad. I do not miss the friends I had who did not agree with me.
I will continue to be a parent to Nathan because his responses are appropriate to what has happened and he has a willingness to learn from his mistakes. As his parent there will be some very enormously difficult lessons I will expect him to absorb. These are obviously things that he has yet to learn from his own family and parents. His parents have simply not prepared this boy for life in any way shape or form. Plain and simply.
Nathan lost his position in this family as a father and quite possibly a husband when he hurt the baby. He will never be offered that position again to Elijah. Not by the courts and not by me the very angry grandmother who is SUDDENLY a new mother again.
My daughter has her own difficult mountain to climb. Nathan has his. They are both my children.
Healing this family will only come from forgiveness and a continued education of our souls on the life experience we are having.
Our family will survive this. ALL of us will come out of this in a better tomorrow because we do not expel those we love and we do not allow substandard expectations of ourselves or each other.
Elijah may have lost Nathan as a father but he has gained a loving grandfather who fully accepts the new role as father. Elijah will know nothing but the love we have for him. This will not become his identity because I will not allow it. He will face his physical challenges with me as his mother who helps him and calms him and makes every hurt not his own.
Our family will find the new roles for Nathan and Hilary and they will eventually earn our respect again. They will always feel our love. As hard as it is right now we have to work toward that goal!
It must be this way because anything less is unacceptable.
Should Nathan stay in Jason's home? That is up to Jason and Giancarlo. My hope is that there will be a social resource for him to use and that Nathan will work through his own steps to renewal without straining the family resources further. IF those are not available then I would hope that it was a VERY short few days.
The bottom line of this very long rant.....Nathan must not feel alone or unloved.
You and I have already talked about this. I think you need to do what is right for your family. If you do that, then whatever you do will be the right thing.
Jason-you have been in my thoughts and prayers for so many days!! In some ways you are perfectly positioned to love and nurture Nathan.
I hate it when society tells us we should hate someone and expel them from everything forever...their life does go on and whether we like it or not, our response to them shapes that future for better or worse.
I love your heart and the fact that you love people so completely and deeply. I love Claire's comment and I agree totally with her-his heart is right, he wants to do better. His crime is parental frustration and while we may not have done what he did-we all know how hopeless and alone parenting sometimes makes us feel! I am so thankful that Nathan is surrounded by such wonderful examples of unconditional love and my hope is that he will grow into a fine young man one day-he certainly has some good role models! May God bless your family and your loving heart.
Your wanting to help Nathan just shows what a compassionate and amazing person you are.
If you can figure out how to help Nathan in a way that protects Elijah, you must do it. He is still Elijah's father and one day he will know this whole story.
You want to help break the cycle and that is an honorable thing to do.
I came to visit again, saw more comments and felt like reading and I am glad I did. Smiles4U & Claire sure made some eye opening remarks. Claire sounds simply amazing but it doesn't surprise me based on your stories. You guys really do make the world go 'round. Good luck with whatever you decide. I think we all agree you have to do what's best for you but we offered opinions only because you were curious for them.
Jason,
I am a big believer in forgiveness. I have been the recipient of undeserved forgiveness in my past when it was the LAST thing I deserved.
It's so easy - especially for those of us in BlogLand who don't know Nathan - to throw stones at him. It's always easy to judge others.... forgiving is a much harder, steeper path to take.
Obviously, what Nathan did was wrong, and extremely serious. He is being punished for that now, by the law. I'm sure the punishment that is going on within Nathan's OWN psyche is far, far worse than anything the State of California (or LA County, or whoever) could dish out. He will probably agonize over what he did for the rest of his life (and yes, he SHOULD agonize over it....)
If it were my son in law, and I were in your shoes, I would try my best to forgive him. However, it would be very difficult. And, just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you can forget what they have done. It also doesn't mean that you have to be naive and put yourself in a place of vulnerability or foolishness with regards to that person. Obviously, he should never be left alone with Elijah again. Ever.
For better or worse, Nathan is always going to be Elijah's father. That's a permanent relationship and it won't ever change.
I think you are doing the right, and courageous thing, by trying to forge a path of forgiveness through all this. I’m proud of you for taking the high road, despite what others may think.
It seems to me that society has failed Nathan again and again and again. In doing so, society failed Elijah. We can condemn Nathan. We can condemn you for not condemning Elijah. But we are All responsible for what happened. All of us.
No he should never be allowed to be alone with his child again. That does not mean that he should not be helped by those who are close to him or those who are so willing to condemn him.
I don't know what you should do. I do know that one day Elijah will be a boy and then a man and the example you set him in dealing with his father will be a large part of the man he becomes.
I wish you all the best and can only wish there were easier answers here.
Hi Jason,
I am new to your blog and just put two and two together. I think you are an amazing and compassionate human being. Of course you go back and forth in your feelings about Nathan. He's a good human being who made one of the worst mistakes imaginable. I don't know what I would do, but I think you're on an excellent path to figuring out what you'll do. I suspect you will figure out a way to support Nathan and protect Elijah.
Bless you.
I don't have any answers, but find it inspiring that you have so much forgiveness in your heart.
Oh my gosh I just wrote an entire book to you and it is gone! Grrr.
To cool myself down, I read all the other comments and if I exclude everything in my comment that others have already said, then here are the cliffnotes of what is left:
When we were preparing to adopt a baby, we read every parenting book we could get our hands on, and I was very surprised to read in SEVERAL of the books, that adoptive parents can get postpartum depression. Men too. It's not exclusively caused by a chemical imbalance that happens post child birth in the mother. Interesting... and that thought has come to my mind several times while reading this story.
Then I said a bunch of stuff about how all parents can probably recall a moment they CHOSE to "take a breather" when they were about to "lose it" with their screaming kid. What if they didn't choose to take a break in that critical moment? Would they have ruin their lives as Nathan has ruined his?
Then i said a bunch of other crap that the other comments covered well, but my underlying thought was...
This is about Elijah. So perhaps you should talk to Hilary. Is she choosing to have Nathan continue to be a part of her (and therefore Elijah's) life? If so, Nathan will continue to be an influence on Elijah. Whether that influence is positive or negative. An impoverished (emotionally and otherwise) Nathan will not be a positive influence in your grand baby's life. However an edified Nathan has at least a chance to be a positive influence for E.
If all of that is true, then you need to decide if having Nathan stay with you (in your healthy, positive environment) will edify him? And is he open enough to BE edified by that experience? If so, then maybe it's best to give him the most character-building experiences possible.
(These cliffnotes didn't end up much shorter than the original. Oh well.)
What a difficult situation. I think everything has already been said- but I just want you to know I am thinking of you and your family. I am certain that you and your family will choose what is best for all of you.
I don't know this is so hard. So, so hard. My sister's boyfriend, the father of her child is in jail, not for doing anything to my nephew, but for something stupid and pointless. And I have trouble giving her advice when she asks for it, because I would like to tell her to write him off, to have nothing to do with him, but it's just not that easy when you love someone and I can see that you love Nathan as well, which, understandably, makes it a nearly impossible situation. I think, ultimately, you'll know what to do when the time comes. I think you have a good heart and it will lead you to the best solution for all of you.
Sitting in my comfortable part of the world it's easy for me to say "no I wouldn't". But in reality I don't know what I would do. This is a tough one.
I'm slowly catching up with this story and am very interested in how it is today, but I have to interject to say that, as a mother of a colicky baby (my son, 18 years ago), I totally gained empathy for people who shake babies. I'm sure some people who do it are real a-holes, but I'm sure some people are just frustrated, sleep-deprived, desperate people who lack skills or support or understanding of the consequences. Such a sad story...
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