His Own Private Idaho

Okay, so you've got to visit my sister's blog to read about her recent trip to Idaho to visit my Dad.

Burt's Own Private Idaho

This Episode: Pool Play Date

All my mommy friends and their kids came over to our pool for our turn at hosting the play date. We had a great time!

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Emma

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Olivia

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Alexis

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Lily

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Bella

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Grace

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Connor and Brady

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Eva

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Diego, who didn't want to look at the camera.

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Alison

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We love our play group!

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PS: While taking these pictures, I had to swear that I wouldn't post any mommy-in-bathing-suit photos. If not for that, you would have just seen whole bunch of hot mommies!

Welcome to Sunny Southern California

“Help! Help me, please! He’s trying to kill me!”
We were at a stop light, sitting in the sweltering Southern California summer heat, to which we hadn’t become accustomed in our first three weeks of living here.
“Help!” The haggard young woman screamed in desperation through the tiny crack in her car window, with a baby in her lap. Our heads turned to the car next to us, startled by the scene. A grim-faced man with jaw set and eyes riveted ahead sat in front of the frightened woman. Claire rolled down the window, making the cries louder and more gripping.
“Please! You’ve got to do something! He tried to run me over!”

“Jason, we’ve got to do something!” Claire asserted, as the light turned green and the beat up hatchback jolted forward and began turning right. “Follow them!”

“What? Follow them? I’m not sure that would be a good idea.” I stammered. The thought terrified me.
Claire wasn’t accepting that for an answer. “We’ve got to help her!”
I had already passed through the intersection, somewhat waveringly.
“Turn around and help her!” she persisted.
Very uneasy, I turned the car around and then made a left turn through the yellow light, in hot but reluctant pursuit. We followed the car into the parking lot of Camping World. The man jumped out of the car and rushed to the payphone. We pulled up, and Claire jumped out of the car, spilling a huge pile of important papers that I was taking home from work. I panicked as they went with the wind, scrambling to recover them while Claire opened the door of the other car and helped the woman and baby out, squeezing them into the back seat with Hilary and Amelia.
“Oh, thank you, thank you, oh, he tried to kill me!”

As we rushed away, I just knew gunshots were going to follow us. But glancing in the mirror, the man continued his phone conversation. I sped down the street to our new apartment, and to Claire’s urging, parked next to a different building, and rushed our kids over to our building and through our door, slamming and locking it. Trembling and heart racing, I called the police.

Meanwhile, Claire was trying to persuade the woman, who she determined was named Sharon, to follow her into our apartment. However, out of fear and panic, Sharon disappeared behind another building. Claire chased her calling, “Sharon! Sharon! It’s okay! We’ll help you! We’re calling the police! Sharon!” But she was gone.

Telling my story to the police, they said they would send a squad car to our complex, stating that there had been reports a few minutes previous that someone had seen a man trying to run over a woman and her baby.

Claire was still searching when the officers arrived. They looked around for a few minutes as well, but soon gave up the search and returned and asked us to give a statement. They asked us if we would be willing to make an identification or testify at a later date, to which we agreed.
A few weeks later we were subpoenaed to testify in this domestic abuse case, so we took the day off and went to court. After waiting for what seemed like forever, a frustrated attorney came out of the courtroom and informed us that the plaintiff had never shown up, which meant she was dropping charges and the case was dismissed.

I was baffled. How could someone possibly drop charges against someone else who deliberately tried to run her and her baby over? Since then, I've learned that this is actually common, and women live with this kind of abuse much more than you or I would ever guess.

In spite of this unnerving event, we loved living here and we didn't let it shake our determination to survive in hot, expensive, sometimes frightening Southern California. That is, until six months later when we were pounded by the Northridge earthquake. But that's a whole 'nother Welcome to Sunny Southern California blog post!

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Bushisms

Disclaimer: I purposely choose to keep my blog as non-political as possible. However, what's funny is funny! Even those of you who have spouses or siblings with conservative republican views (or maybe even yourself!) have to admit that our president often presents himself as a buffoon.

"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe--I believe what I believe is right."


"I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody."

"The suicide bombings have increased. There's too many of them."

"It's negative to think about blowing each other up. That's not a positive thought. That's a Cold War thought. That's a thought when people were enemies with each other."

"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the greatest enduring alliances of all time."
"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease."
"The thing that's important for me to remember is what's the most important thing."

Famous Quotes

These cracked me up.

1- Question : If you could live forever, would you and why ?

Answer: " I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live for ever."

-Miss Alabama is the 1994 Miss USA contest
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2- "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry, I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not all those flies and death and stuff."

-Mariah Carey
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3-"Researches have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. the researches also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."

-Matt Lauer
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4-"I haven't committed a crime, what I did was fail to comply with the law."

-David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
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5-"Smoking kills. If you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life."
(Sorry--I forgot who said that one!)
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On that note, I'm currently working on a little collection of Bushisms to share with all!

Jason Show Shocker: Even Bigger News

Well, a few posts ago I shared that my big news of the year was the marriage of our daughter, Hilary, to Nathan. Turns out, that's not the biggest news of the year after all!

I. Am. Going. To. Be. A. Grand-- a grand----that's a grand----father. There! I said it! Can you believe it? Just for the record, I am 38 years old. Of course, Giancarlo is going to be a grandfather, too, and Dennis, and Claire is going to be a grandmother.

Read all about it in my son-in-law's blog (who knew he had a blog?) in the words of the daddy to be:

Nathan's Blog

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By the way, the photo above isn't actually my grandchild; Hilary isn't nearly that far along. The baby should arrive some time in March.

How do I feel about this? My head is still spinning, but of course we're excited to welcome a brand new baby into our unique family.

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Watch for these posts:

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The Grandparent Naming Contest

Uncle Diego, Preschooler

The Youngest Grandparents in the World

Is the Baby Out Yet?

Is There a Baby in Your Boob?

Jason's Adventures in Used Car Shopping

I've spent the last few days looking at used cars for Hilary and Nathan. This proved to be a very interesting experience, as I used Craigslist to guide me along the way. The people you can meet driving all over Southern California looking for that perfect car can be quite entertaining!
I spoke with and met several individuals, getting glimpses into their lives, often leaving me wanting to know more about them, my curiousity piqued. But the two individuals that I really wanted to share with you were these:

First I met an actor living in a Beverly Hills apartment who was selling a Ford Escort. Maybe you'll recgonize him, his name is Barry Ratcliffe. Click the link to see his latest work.

He was a totally nice guy, and I would have bought the car from him except that it had more miles on it than I really wanted. He was so nice, in fact, that he let Diego use his potty twice, once for #1, then later for #2! While Giancarlo was helping Diego in the bathroom, Barry gave me a bottle of water and then motioned for me to come and look through a doorway that was just off the kitchen. He pointed at a woman sleeping in a poofy white bed, dead to the world, and laughed at her saying how she's been working very hard and was completely knocked out. I felt that I was looking at something very inappropriate! I mean, I know that if my significant other brought some stranger who was shopping for economy cars to the doorway of my bedroom while I was sleeping and laughed at me, I would be furious! Sleeping is very private! Secondly, how did she not wake up? Not only were we gazing into the room while Barry laughingly spoke of her exhaustion, but Diego was talking in his normal unabashed voice about going pee-pee!

Next I met a young construction worker in the hills of Glendale named Austin who was selling a Kia Spectra that he bought from the police impound yard. He was wearing a tank top, and he was pretty good looking, except that he had the bushiest armpits in America. These weren't just hairy, they were out. Of. Control. I kid you not! The hair poofed out like sprays of seaweed waving in the water, calling all attention away from his chiseled cheek bones, perfect nose, and piercing eyes. I was struggling not to stare, thinking vaguely about the manscaping that needed to be done. While we were looking at the car, his mother came out to the street, dragging heavily on a cigarette, and reminded him to buy water and lettuce when he was done with me. I'm certain she was one of the Barbi twins.

As she commented on what a great car the Kia was, Austin took the cigarette out of his mother's mouth, put it to his, and pulled smoke deep into this lungs. Once again, I felt like I was witnessing something that I shouldn't, as if sharing a cigarette with your Barbi twin mother was somehow bordering on the incestuous. In any case, I didn't feel comfortable with the car and I moved on.

We ended up buying a Daewoo station wagon from a rental place in Downey. Yes, Downey, home of the late, great Karen Carpenter. Perhaps it was because this was the best deal. Perhaps it was due to the low miles on the car. Maybe it was due to the practicality of the car. Or, maybe it was because this was a place of business, something I am accustomed to, and there was no chance I would be shown things that maybe I shouldn't be shown.

Hilary and Nathan Outtakes

While taking photos for their wedding announcement, Nathan and Hilary let their personalities shine through (with a little help from Diego).

I think these photos speak for themselves.

The Eccentric Observations of Amelia

Amelia has jumped on board the blogger's bandwagon! I, for one, am looking forward to reading about the inner workings of my second daughter's brain. I'm sure you will, too!

The Eccentric Observations of Amelia

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http://www.ameliahope.wordpress.com/

Mr. and Mrs. Nathan and Hilary

My big news of the year is the surprise wedding of our oldest daughter, Hilary, to Nathan! On May 29th, the little rascals ran off to city hall without telling anyone and tied the knot....good old fashioned eloping, is what they call it, I do believe.

Hilary and Nathan decided to make a go of building a life here in sunny SoCal. They're staying with us for a few weeks until they are ready to get a place of their own.
They're the perfect couple--so alike in so many ways! Nathan--our son-in-law-- is a very nice, mellow guy, and it is a pleasure having him around.

Best wishes to them both!

The American Accent

A few weeks ago I posted about pop vs. soda. Remember that? Well, back to the topic of how people speak differently in different parts of the country... try this quiz to find out which type of American accent you have.

The American Accent Quiz

Strangely enough, it says I have a North Central accent, with a Western U.S. accent following that. Please post your results as a comment; I'm curious about how other people score...especially those of you that have always lived in Utah Valley!

The Curious Incident of the Squirrel, the Tricycle, and the Cinder Block

This is the scene of the crime, with the victim's chalk outline intact. The events that culminated in this grisly scene are strange, but true. Who, really, is at fault for this ghastly crime of passion? You be the judge.

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It was Christmas Day, 2000, and we were spending the holidays at Dennis and Claire's house in Seattle. We had just finished our afternoon Christmas meal, and everyone had gone their own way in the house to relax and digest. Giancarlo stepped outside in the front yard to talk on the phone. A few minutes later, the doorbell began ringing in desperation. I glanced out the window, and what to my wondering eyes did appear? Giancarlo, with a squirrel on his head! Claire, who was eating a dinner roll at the moment, ran outside and nervously began coaxing the squirrel off of Giancarlo's head with the roll. Her coaxing was very effective. The squirrel hopped from Giancarlo's head directly to Claire's! Of course, she began batting at the squirrel with her hands and her dinner roll, and in turn, it swiped repeatedly at the roll. Realizing what the squirrel wanted, Claire threw the roll to the ground. However, instead of jumping down to the ground, it hopped back on to Giancarlo's head! In shock that this was happening again, he shook his head back and forth, screaming, trying to get the thing off of his head. This caused it to grasp even harder, digging in its claws. Next, Giancarlo attempted to grab the squirrel to pull it off, and, chomp! It bit his finger.

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Meanwhile, Dennis, Lincoln (Claire's brother), Hilary, Amelia, Rennen, and I were lined behind the safety of the living room window glass, observing this spectacle with laughter and amazement. Since nobody else made a move to provide assistance to the victims, Lincoln dashed to the kitchen, grabbed a handful of dinner rolls and slammed out the front door. Lincoln to the rescue! He threw the rolls down onto the grass, and after weighing his options, the assailant leapt onto the ground to gather his treasure.

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Whew! What a story! We were sure glad that was over! No, wait! It seemd that Lincoln wasn't about to let it end at that. He loved his neices and he wasn't going to stand by and let them be attacked while going from the front door to the car. Casting his eyes about the yard, Lincoln's gaze settled on a red tricycle that was rusting in the endless Seattle rain. He grabbed it and headed toward the squirrel. Looking up from his meal, he wasn't about to be discouraged. Lincoln hucked the trike, and the squirrel dodged it, barely even looking up from his dinner roll. He tried again with the same results. And again. The tricycle was too hard to aim, too hard to control, too hard to hit with. Then Lincoln spied the cinder block. He thrust the trike to the side and seized it. After one throw, the squirrel knew he was in trouble. He immediately abandoned his rolls and scurried to the driveway to hide on the other side of the car. Lincoln pursued, leaving our line of sight. We all held our breaths. After what seemed like an eternity, Lincoln calmly sauntered back into view, empty handed, with no squirrel on his head. It was finally over.

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It had started misting, so everyone came back inside. Amelia was crying because Lincoln had killed the squirrel. Hilary was laughing. Rennen didn't know how to react. And Giancarlo was in a state of panic, already looking through the yellow pages for the numbers to animal control and the emergency room, trying to find out if he had been exposed to rabies.

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After things calmed down and the weather cleared up, Dennis went outside to dispose of the squirrel. The photograph above shows what remained, a perfect outline to fit a perfect crime.

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So, what do you think? Who was at fault? The squirrel, for being so aggressive and, yes, even violent? Giancarlo, for being such a soft and easy target? Claire, for provoking the squirrel further with home-made rolls full of buttery goodness? Or was it Lincoln, overreacting with bloodthristy intent? Or perhaps it was us, the bystanders, who refused to get involved but gawked at the scene unfolding in front of us.

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You be the judge.

Belly Buttons

Last night, we met some friends of ours who also have a 4 year old at our community pool for dinner and swimming. We had a nice, relaxing time. This was the first time we had gone to the pool with them, so I was a bit startled when I saw this:

The dad's belly button was big, and it stuck way, way out. It was seriously as big as a plum. I tried not to stare, but it was demanding my attention. And no! This is not an actual photograph of his belly button. I found this when I googled "gross belly buttons.") During my research for this post, I learned that he may have what is known as a herniated belly button. And now I feel bad. But not too bad.

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Of course, this all got me to thinking. About belly buttons. And about how weird they are. And about how there are so many different kinds of belly buttons. And that led me to thinking about abs. Hot abs. Then I thought about how Giancarlo saved Diego's dried up umbilical cord remnants in a yellow plastic Easter egg and how right now, if I wanted to, I could get up and go look in the desk drawer and see it.

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I digress.

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When one thinks about belly buttons, navels, or in Spanish, ombligos, different images come to mind. For example, the cute, inny, female belly button.

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Or sizzling male belly buttons.


And apparently, some people don't even have belly buttons, like this guy:


And, apparently, Patricia Heaton:

There are many various and sundry things people can do with their belly buttons, like piercing,

and using it to hang things, like champagne bottles and stuff.

Then, of course, tattoos are very popular. Making your belly button look like a monkey's anus can be fun.

Or, a belly button that looks like a cat's behind is quite nice.

Well, with all this talk about belly buttons, I'm sure I've got you wondering what MY belly button looks like.

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And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, I present to you. . .

Jason's belly button!

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I Love These Two

J-Lo and Tami. I can always count of them for a smile, a laugh, and a listening ear. Thanks girls!

Some things you may not have known about Tami and me:

-- We went through a month long phase when we emailed each other back and forth, obsessively writing long, descriptive epistles about ourselves and our lives. I could hardly wait to get to the computer, knowing there would be a fun, detailed, and interesting email from her.

--Once we danced together with a pair of underwear...all night long.

--Our children are currently going through the same particularly unpleasant phase having to do with boogers.

--We used to provide one another with free counseling/therapy sessions during which she referred to me as Jason-zac and I called her Tami-loft.

Some things you may not have known about Jen and me:

--We go on "Dream Dates."

-- One year during the holidays we would rush to work so we could leave a sung Christmas song on the other's voice mail. We sure cracked ourselves up!

--We used to have a daily contest to see if we could get a certain coworker to say the word "pickle."

-Her mother stalks me. Seriously. I'm considering a restraining order.

Blast From the Past: Episode 6

This shot hails from the summer that I decided I was taking charge of these children myself. They were going to have fun activities, they were going to go places, and darn it, people were going to take pictures of them! I had had my driver's license for about six months when I piled them repeatedly into Blue Thunder (the Chevy Impala station wagon) and took them to such exciting hot spots as American Fork Canyon, around Utah Lake, the BYU ice cream shop, and Temple Square.

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Here I am, in Kindergarten. This was taken on the Navajo Indian Reservation in Kayenta, Arizona. I was the only white boy in my class, and I learned to speak quite a bit of the Navajo language.

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This one is undoubtedly the most provocative photograph of the Blast From the Past series. Instead of giving you the story behind this photo, why don't we have a little contest? Can anybody come up with a catchy, even provocative caption for this one? Post a comment and share your ideas! Come on! Don't be shy! Don't just lurk like some sick voyeur, share your creative genius with all!

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During Amelia's year of vegatarianism about two years ago, this image repeatedly popped into my head. After spending so long proudly labeling herself as a carnivore, she gave it all up for almost 12 months. Then, after that was over, she admitted that she was secretly craving raw meat...."walking past the meat department in the grocery store, I see the raw steaks sitting there.....yummmmm......." (Sorry Marcie)

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And this is me with Claudia. She was Giancarlo's roommate and best friend when he and I met a little over ten years ago. She has always been such a fun, sweet friend, and I love her!

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And......this was taken at one of my dad's weddings.....he's been married three times and I wasn't invited to any of them....not even the first one, to my own mother! A few months after Mom died, he announced he was going to marry Linda. For many reasons, this wasn't a successful relationship, and it ended in tragedy. Dad and Linda were in a horrible, freak car accident. They were parked on the side of the highway having an argument and a distracted mother veered off the road and plowed into them, flipping their car over. Linda received severe head trauma, has been in the hospital or a nursing home ever since, and she doesn't really recognize anyone.

And that concludes the Blast From the Past series! Are you sad, or are you glad?

Blast From the Past: Episode 5

This one always cracks me up. I was teaching Amelia to ride a bike, and Giancarlo was taking pictures. I consider myself as not too terribly flamboyant. But look at my right hand!

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Tio Giampiero and Amelia

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As yappy as they are, they're beautiful and I love them!

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This photo was taken in Seattle about five years ago at during the Christmas holidays. Claire had just had serious kidney surgery, so her two ex husbands came to take care of her! Aren't we sweet? Dennis and I really bonded during this trip. At least I think we did.

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Amelia was very fond of dressing up.

Up next:

--Kindergarten baby, sittin' in the gravy

--Amelia, the carnivore

--My very short dad married a very tall woman

--The revealing bathroom instrusion

Don't miss it!