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What you've been reading is really a love story, more than anything.
While it has been about me, it is only half of the story. To fully understand everything that happened, and why we each made the decisions that we did, you would need to read things from Claire's perspective. Perhaps someday you will be able to do just that. Then you will see that this is actually a story about an astonishingly generous heart.
There are so many things that could have happened during 1995 and 1996. I think most women in the world would have reacted very differently if they were faced with the things Claire faced. I've spoken to people and I've read stories about other peoples' similar situations, and my heart has broken every time for them. Almost every time, the wife has acted out of fury, resentment, and scorn, with ugly custody battles, finger pointing, and attemtpting to turn their children against their gay fathers. And who could blame them? To realize that the happy life you are living is actually a great big lie is beyond devastating. Why wouldn't you act out of pain, anger, and betrayal? But when Claire realized the truth, she did a very unique, selfless thing: She chose to act out of unconditional love, and I was the undeserving recipient.
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Why? Why did she react this way when she had every right and reason to react differently? Maybe it was because she and I shared a history that went clear back to junior high. Maybe it was because she was able to grasp onto the friendship while letting go of the marriage. Maybe it was because even though our marriage was a lie, it really wasn't in many ways. Maybe it was because she had the foresight to see that fighting would only hurt our family's future. Or maybe it's just because she is an extraordinary woman.
But it was more than love for me and love for our daughters that drove Claire's decisions. It was survival and self-preservation. She was faced with some incredibly difficult situations and choices, and I can't imagine anyone dealing with them better than she did. Nobody understood her decisions. Plenty of people judged her for them though. Somehow she ended up taking the brunt of all the judgement, aimed at both her and me, mainly because she refused to drag me through the mud.
I owe the happiness and fulness of life that I enjoy now largely to Claire. If it hadn't been for her desire for me to find happiness, I would have quite possibly continued living the lie. If it hadn't been for her wanting me to continue to play an integral part of our childrens' lives, I may have lost the joy of my daughters. Though it caused her immense pain, she opened the closet door and allowed me to walk through it out into a world where I could find fulfillment as a human being, finding out who I really am instead of what society tells me I should be.
Thanks to Claire, I am who I am today. And it's a great thing to be.
7 comments:
We love Claire!!!
She's the definition of courage and selflessness.
Jason is very complimentary to me in this latest post. I thank him for that.
He knows that I have been upset these past weeks as the wounds still feel tender after 12 years. Some of what we think we deal with is numbed with the time passing until it surfaces again. My biggest concern when we spoke yesterday about it was that people who don't know us who read this blog might feel I was the one making all the decisions without concern for him. That is the direct opposite of what actually took place. My decisions were to carry forward in a life rich with blessings without breaking to the social and religious pressures we would face. I certainly didn't take an easier path than Jason did. We carried equal yet different loads of strain. Strain that tested us to our very limits.
I will need to write a book not a blog. There is so much left out of this story in the interest of space and time. I am glad that you are telling your story, Jason. What we went through happens more than most people imagine. Religious and social issues certainly do play a role in the encouragement to marry. Regardless of a person's stand on gay issues, the encouragement to suppress and lie to a spouse is certainly a wrong choice.
I was raised in a religion that had a perfectly beautiful explanation for everything. When I was going through the most difficult processes on this issue I no longer found solace or refuge in religion. Where I found peace on day I found no bit of peace the next. It was that abrupt. My decisions were made that year to raise my girls and continue in family without the murky waters of gay issues in our religion. To give the girls the opportunity to be less influenced by anything other than our love alone. In time each person will return to faith or find God in his or her own way. Meanwhile I have three daughters who are compassionate and empathetic toward those who are less fortunate or judged wrongly. They know what it means to allow every one a free agency in choice.
When this was happening to Jason and I in 1996, we feared everything you can imagine as a repercussion of his coming out. We even feared his employment. Some of our family members have since asked us ridiculous questions such as "do other parents allow their children to have pajama parties with the girls?" The wrath of stupidity on issues relating to homosexuality is harsh and astounding.
If I had known the truth in 1990 I would have been better equipped to make choices that were less painful for myself. However, I absolutely would have given Jason the opportunity to be a father without hesitation. Jason and Giancarlo both know this to be correct. I love them very much and am thankful to the graces of God that we have been spared the ugliness of inner family division.
Hey Claire....when do I get to meet you?
PS: why is Katrine still above me on the comment list? I have commented like 200x her comment volume.
Claire is an extraordinary woman-I got that almost from the get-go of this story. However, Jason, don't sell yourself short. You are both pretty exceptional people. I'm glad our paths crossed for whatever reason. You have impacted how I feel about alot of things in very grand ways.
The old adage that says not to judge until you have walked a mile in another's moccassins is so very true. We would do well to always remember it.
I think Claire is an extroidinary woman and your (hers and yours) story is further proof for me that the Beaver Cleaver image of what family should be is the biggest farce ever promoted on TV. "Family" is the group of people you surround yourself with in order to be whole, healthy and happy. It takes many forms, and we should never judge others because we don't know how they arrived at their current destination. Thank you for giving us a shining reminder of that. I think you're pretty extroidinary, too Jason.
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