No Man Knows My Pastries

"Among Mormons Sister Enid Christensen is a popular author, den mother, cook, and roll model. A prominent leader in the Payson, Utah, 227th Ward Relief Society, she has cooked countless inspirational meals and shared her testimony-strengthening culinary experiences with thousands of those weak in things of the kitchen. . . . Sister Christensen was born in Rexburg, Idaho; graduated from high school in 1966; attended hometown Ricks College that fall; transferred to Dixie College the next fall; and transferred to LDS Business College in the spring of 1968 where she met Brother LaMar Christensen. When their eyes met, they felt all tingly and knew that in the preexistence they had committed themselves to each other. They solemnized that promise three days later."

The above is an expert from the introduction of the most hilarious book on the planet, No Man Knows My Pastries--The Secret (Not Sacred) Recipes of Sister Enid Christensen, as told to Roger B. Salazar and Michael G. Wightman. However, if you do not have a Mormon background, you probably just won't get a lot of it.

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My dear brothers and sisters,

I would indeed be ungrateful if I didn't take this page to tell you how grateful and thankful I am to be able to bare my recipes. I feel so thankful to have been raised in the Jell-O Belt and not some foreign country where food doesn't matter. I hope and pray that these recipes, which I truly feel were inspired by the scriptures, church history, and family values, will inspire you, too.

These recipes are tried and true. Trust the main recipes, for many of these are manna from heaven. If followed step by step, line upon line, ingredient upon ingredient, they will guide you to celestial success in your cooking. Just look at all the lovely recipes our own sweet Sister Janet Lee pioneered. Have faith, persevere, be an example to the younger sisters in your ward. Become the culinary adventuresses you were foreordained to be.

Your sister,

Enid Christensen

With chapters titled "There's Always Room for Jell-O Salad", "Miracle Whip of Forgiveness", "In-Breads", and "Cheeses of Nazareth", you'll laugh out loud until your face hurts. Touting tempting recipes like Sin-o-Men Rolls, A Marvelous Work With Wonder Bread, Flaky Mormon Casserole, Secret Combination Plate, Kolob Kebabs, Supresso, Burning Bosoms, and Hide the Zucchini Bread, there is truly something for everyone's tastes.

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And now, for two last excerpts:

"I find that presentation is nine-tenths of a casserole. My three rules are: Chips, Chips, Chips. Corn chips and Doritos for ethnic casseroles and old-fashioned chips for tuna and mushroom dishes. As I was baking recently, Lamar composed a little song in honor of my casserole talent. it's called, "Casserole-serole," to the tune of "Que Sera Sera":

When I was just a little boy

I asked my father, "What did we at?

Did we eat pork chops?

Did we eat steak?

Here's what he said to me:

"Casserole-serole!

Whatever was in it, we ate it.

Your mother's the one who made it,

Casserole-serole."

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And finally.....

"It makes me sad to think there are brethren and sisters who have not discovered the joy of Jell-O salad or the wonder of diced Spam casserole. Finally I realized my duty to less fortunate sisters (especially our single career women) who have not yet learned the cardinal rule: 'The less it costs, the more of it you can make.' It is my sincere hope and prayer that my little book will find its way to the truly elect to become a leaven to the world. Those who abide by my precepts will add precious pounds to their families' delicate froms without squandering their inheritance. I have tried to include all any worthy mother would need to know to bring this glorious dream to pass. So, sisters everywhere, get out your aprons and let's get cooking."

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