Living on Wisteria Lane: Filming a Reality Show?

Did you know that I live on Wisteria Lane? If you think I'm being facetious

or if you think I'm lying, here is photographic evidence:

Living in this part of Los Angeles county, it is not uncommon to see film crews, equipment, and Star Wagons lining the streets, in the process of producing movies and television shows. Talk to anyone who has lived here for any amount of time, and you'll hear stories about the time that such and such a show was filmed in their part of town, or when they saw a famous so and so. If you watch shows like CSI, Melrose Place, Weeds, 24, or Jag, to name a few, you will most likely see areas in our community.

Incidentally, an episode of a new, upcoming television series will be filmed on our street at the end of this week. We received a flyer explaining the details regarding film equipment, crew, no parking zones, and a description of the filming to be done:

"On Friday between the hours of 1:00 pm to 6:00 am: We will have exterior dialogue in front of 2706 Wisteria Lane to be followed by a picture car drive up and away and exterior dialogue scenes of talent along Wisteria Lane walking & talking towards 2706 where we'll ultimately move into the house for interior filming. We will have interior special effects of glass breaks and a body hit on a stunt man. Additionally, we'll have scenes along the entrance of Wisteria Lane/Magnolia Street whereby a police team and their cars with flashing lights facing toward the back porch of 2706 Wisteria Lane. We will have camera, condor/camera crane & equipment placement will be in the street. During this time we've requested for sheriff assistance for traffic/pedestrian control to ensure safety."

Except for the filming from one in the afternoon until six o'clock the next morning, it sounded reasonable. It seemed like another detective/police/crime drama, and of course it's interesting to have this done on my very own street. Curious, I went to the show's website to check out the show.

The show is touted as a REALITY show that takes place in LOUISIANA. They say all of the footage is actual, "the show is real." REALITY? Does this sound like reality to you?

"We will have interior special effects of glass breaks and a body hit on a stunt man. Additionally, we'll have scenes along the entrance of Wisteria Lane/Magnolia Street whereby a police team and their cars with flashing lights facing toward the back porch of 2706 Wisteria Lane."

I guess in show business, even the real stuff is made up.

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Au revoir, Mirrored Forehead

You may recall this unfortunate post, where I berated my very own shiny forehead.

And you may recall that my dear, loving, well-intentioned viewers left suggestions such as these as how to deal with the mirror above my eyes:

"I once had a beautiful table with a very high gloss finish...I sanded it down, and put a sealer on it. The sealer was optional to prevent moisture damage, something your forehead shouldn't have a problem with. But..I like your forehead just the way it is. Maybe bangs?"

Sand it down? Put a sealer on it? Bangs? Grandma J?!

"i recommend an oil free pressed powder. neutrogena makes a good one. seriously. if you get one of those little sponge applicators and barely put any powder on it people wouldn't even be able to tell you had any on...just a little powder to buffer the shine."

This sounds like it's two shakes shy of make up. But I did consider this, Natalie.

"One word my dear:

HATS."

Katy, I hate hats. I feel silly in hats. I only wear a baseball cap when it is really sunny and I'm going to be outside for a while and I don't want to burn. And I hate every minute of it. So not HATS.

"Have you tried spackle??"

Spackle? Spackle? Are you kidd---oh, wait, that was Michel, joking. Michel, that was a good one!

"Let Mama tell you what works: Smashbox anti-shine compact (semi-solid) followed by Bare Minerals powder foundation and mineral veil. As a bonus it has SPF 15 so your handsome forehead doesn't get skin cancer.

Don't even try to tell me you don't wear make-up either. I know all that handsome on you isn't natural."

You know I love MOM#1. And I thought about her suggestion for a while, until I saw the comment from my sister that threw me into an even deeper conundrum:

"I know all these people mean well, but do not start to wear make-up. do you hear me?! My brother is not going to wear make-up. Be proud of your shine!"

Alas, the Show producers are pleased to announce that Jason has finally solved his shiny forehead problem WITHOUT the use of sandpaper, sealer, spackle, corn starch, foundation, minerals, or MAKE UP. And all I had to do was look in the next cabinet over. Giancarlo came home with this magical stuff from The Body Shop and my shiny forehead worries are now a thing of the past:

Although I must say I will miss this special connection with Jamie:

"You + Me = 'shiny happy people holding hands...' "

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A Very Jason Show Autumn

         

 

   

Really Deep Thoughts About the Universe

Have you ever thought about the endless universe and how it goes on and on and on, infinitely? How does something continue to go on and on and on without ending? But then, try to imagine the idea of the universe just ending, like you get to the edge of it and then there is just nothing. But what is nothing? It's hard to imagine nothing! So I try to think about the universe never ending but it just boggles my mind too much. So then I just don't think about it anymore until I think about it again.

Do you know what I mean?

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Hot or Not?

Don’t answer that.

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(Photos courtesy of Tami H.)

At the Pumpkin Cracktch

Halloween actually is all it’s CRACKED up to be.

This photo really CRACKED me up.

Some of these pumpkins are CRACKED.

It was all I could do to not make a wise CRACK.

No wonder I couldn’t get him to CRACK a smile!

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How about you, dear Jason Show viewers? Care to take a CRACK at a CRACK one liner?

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Editor's note: Is everyone seeing the CRACK on the lady in blue on the left side of the photo? I have a feeling some viewers have been missing the point of this post. :)

Teacher Tales: The Great Bean Skin Debacle

Early in my teaching career I had the unforgettable experience of doing some substitute teaching. One of my first assignments was a sixth grade class, and it was my first time ever with students that old. The morning went smoothly; I was enjoying working with students who could do so much independently. At lunch time, I popped over to El Pollo Loco for one of their 99 cent BRC burritos (pinto beans, rice, and cheese--simple, but affordable and tasty).

The afternoon did not go quite as quite as well as the morning. There were no big issues, just some strange looks and giggles from some of the kids. In fact, I think you could call it sniggering. Yes, some of the kids were sniggering, but I couldn't tell at what. I shrugged it off.

That afternoon when I got home I went to the bathroom. As I was washing my hands, to my intense horror and utter humiliation, I saw in the mirror that one of my eye teeth was COMPLETELY COVERED WITH A BEAN SKIN. What the hell! How did I not feel it? How did I not dislodge it with my tongue or lips?

And most importantly, how did I make it through the entire afternoon without a SINGLE SOUL telling me about it?

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The Show City Non-Emergency Room

Welcome to The Show City Non-Emergency Room, where we treat your emergency like it isn't, because we're busy treating other people's non-emergencies like they are.

Dear Show City Non-Emergency Room,

Last week I took my daughter to the Show City Non-Emergency room because, after three weeks of unanswered questions, a seemingly unconcerned/passive doctor, and a day of extreme, intolerable physical pain, Amelia needed to get some care in an urgent way. You could say it was an emergency.

However, I failed to read the signs that were clearly marked all around the hospital. I guess I just assumed that they said Show City Emergency Room, so I didn't read that carefully. Imagine my chagrin when I left the hospital in extreme frustration and, for the first time, saw the sign clearly, which indeed said: Show City Non-Emergency Room (SCNER). What a difference a prefix can make.

If I had read correctly the first time, both my daughter and I would have been spared the agony and irritation of waiting to be seen while gazing repeatedly around the room at the other patients that we mistakenly assumed were also emergencies. When we did finally get called in by the triage nurse we were able to see the computer screen listing the NER patients and their ailments such as sore throat, or headache, cough, or stubbed toe.

I would also have understood why, when we entered the NER, the intake clerk looked at my daughter's sobs, tear-stained face, and inability to walk with the blankest of all blank expressions in the history of the medical profession. I thought for sure when a medical professional saw someone in extreme pain they would do everything they could to help the situation, possibly even placing them ahead in priority of the woman with a light, infrequent cough. But of course it turned out they were only in the business of treating non-emergencies.

As we sat and waited hour after hour, the amazement and alarm in my mind grew. We saw several people in seemingly good spirits and no apparent discomfort sitting peacefully, watching late-night TV, chuckling softly in peaceful glee. We saw a family with two happy little girls consuming product after product from the vending machine, as though the whole thing were a picnic. Around one a.m. we noticed a couple making out and snuggling against the wall just before being called in for treatment. A couples retreat to the ER? Then there were the people absentmindedly snacking on Cheetos at 1:30. That really didn't seem like an emergency.

Around 2:00 am we noticed three female college students who were snuggling together, laughing, reading the bible aloud to each other, and singing softly with each other This just about pushed me over the edge. WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM?

It was a few minutes after that that Amelia turned to me and said, "Dad, let's just go home. This is doing no good. At least at home I can try to sleep before we go to the CT scan appointment in the morning."

And after four hours, out we walked. Fortunately, Amelia's pain had subsided a bit for the time being.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20. I should have made a big fuss, I have now learned that. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, I now see. But that became a moot point once I correctly read the sign; had I squeaked I probably would have been given a response like, "Oh, I'm sorry sir. This is the NON-emergency room. You'll need to go to another hospital if you have an EMERGENCY."

So why then, am I writing this letter? Just to make a teeny weeny suggestion. How about having the intake nurse clarify that your facility is a NON-Emergency room, right up front? Maybe highlighting that fact that is so deeply buried in the pages of paperwork would help as well, asking responsible parties to initial, showing that it is not place to go if your case is urgent. Then patients would better be able to find a facility that treats EMERGENCIES.

Thanks for nuthin,

Jason Show

Jason Show disclaimer: The writers of this episode understand that Jason is not a medical professional, nor could he possibly understand the inner-workings of an emergency room. This letter was written in frustration from the point of view of a dissatisfied hospital patron whose daughter was in extreme pain during the time that treatment was sought. The Jason Show would also like to encourage individuals who have emergencies to just call an ambulance, which would ensure prompt ER treatment.

Stream of Consciousness Blogging: Amelia Update and a Pink Martini Limo Ride to Korea Town

I'm thrilled to report that Amelia came home from the hospital Wednesday afternoon. She was thrilled to come home. The pain has been minimal and certainly controllable. Yesterday she was running a slight fever which had us concerned but it has since gone away. Good thing, too, because she was NOT thrilled at the thought of going back to the hospital.

I'll tell you one thing: I will never step foot back into that particular emergency room again! It made me so angry sitting there in the ER that night while she was suffering so badly, and nobody did a damn thing about it. But don't worry, I'm still preparing a whopper of a post about that night.

Poor Amelia is bummed though because she has been dropped from her college classes since she has missed FOUR WEEKS of school. Fortunately, the high school counselor and teachers have been extremely helpful and accommodating, so there are no problems there. We are requesting that she be given a home study teacher for a couple of weeks until she gets her strength back and builds up her immune system again. Not to mention allowing that gaping hole in her back to heal!

In the meanwhile, life has gone on. Tonight I'm getting picked up by a limo full of lovely ladies drinking pink lemonade martinis! In celebration of our friend, Stephanie's, 40th birthday we will cruise down the Los Angeles freeways to what sounds like an incredible Karaoke place in Korea Town. This place allegedly has several different private rooms with all kinds of modern karaoke equipment. What could be more fun than that? I love Karaoke, but all of the people who take it really super seriously make me nervous. And don't worry, I won't drink too much. Thanks, you're the third person today who has told me to take it easy. In my twelve year drinking career, I've only drunk to the point of vomiting twice (boy were they humdingers) but only twice. Have I shared those stories with you yet here? No, I believe I have not. (Note to self: Blog about the time I yacked for an hour in the Citiwalk parking lot in Giancarlo's new car while Pumpkin Delight rubbed my back and held my hair back for me and told me how proud she was of me. Also blog about the time I yacked in my in-laws' car without even opening the door and it all went down in the cracks in the seat and it took me months to get the smell out, and how the only thing that worked, ironically, was having my father-in-law come back from Italy and smoke in it.)

And now, a question. What is the longest you and your spouse (if you have one) have gone without having, erhm, secktual relationz? Why am I asking? Oh, no reason, of course, nothing to do with me whatsoever.

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The Upside!

Having Claire here to be with Amelia means we get Daniel too!